He Wasn't Supposed To Date a Hot Preschool Teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do have photos of the bruises. But it is not my business what he does except to the extent he does something that hurts the kids. I am not stalking. He asked to remain Facebook friends. I did but I don't follow him so he can see the pics of the kids I post but I don't see his posts. He called me up to ask me to look at a post he made about a sports competition he was in. That's how I found out. I have no intention of contacting anyone. His entire family is in denial and shunning me even though they were originally involved in the addiction intervention attempts, so I know to keep my mouth shut. I learned that the hard way.

I keep a picture I have of when things were at their absolute worst before I got out. I out earn him, I do well with attracting interest in dating (not that I am very interested in it) and I have a good job. I also have a very close relationship with my kids and many friends and a supportive family. Yet that doesn't mean there are not moments when I still wish my marriage worked out and that he had been able to face what he needed to. Sometimes, in those moments, I look at that picture. Other times, I vent on DCUM. Someday maybe I will be over it, but I think life will always be a little bit grey for me. I really believed I was marrying the best guy in the world, you know? And then it became a nightmare. That's what abusers do - convince you the best guy in the world is the real guy and the other stuff is an aberration, when they are actually both parts of the same guy and you don't get one without the other. As someone said in another thread, abusers also tend to pick ultra-committed people. That's me. That's how you spend 20 years (or more, as someone else did) trying to make the unworkable work.

Op he picked a weak person he could do that to, otherwise you wouldn't have put up with all that. Something you need to realize so you don't get mixed up with that type of person again. Most women would have left as soon as there were signs of abuse etc. You're still over analyzing a co-dependent relationship with two unhealthy people. The first time he assaulted, choked..what have you the police would have been there and he would be in jail.

Why would you still talk to someone who gave you bruises and allow them on your FB? I would only text concerning the kids schedule, and that would be it. I would put a period in it, and go on. Don't allow him to rent anymore space in your head.

[Anonymous]

This bring joy to my soul. My ex was very hateful as we went through the divorce telling me I was too fat and that nobody would want to live with me in the future. The divorce was her idea. She doesn't know it yet but I've been dating a much younger woman for months. I'm sure the ex will go bonkers when she finds out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could find another man within two hours. Leave it be.

It's sad that many women think they need a man to be happy. OP is free at last, why mess it up.

[Anonymous]

I'm not an abuser, but when my ex wife left me her parting shot was that I would be much happier dating someone unattractive in the future, presumably because this imagined woman would be grateful just to be with anyone.

I've heard from friends that it really grinds her gears that my wife is younger and more attractive, and this post reminds me of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This bring joy to my soul. My ex was very hateful as we went through the divorce telling me I was too fat and that nobody would want to live with me in the future. The divorce was her idea. She doesn't know it yet but I've been dating a much younger woman for months. I'm sure the ex will go bonkers when she finds out.

I wouldn't let on then. I had a amiable divorce from #1, everything jointly agreed on. I didn't want to be friends or any of that, just wanted out. I didn't have much to do with him, but found out 6 months later he had hired a PI to spy on me. What kind of sick fucker does that after a divorce??? A year after the divorce he had an attorney send me a letter saying I took advantage of him, and he wanted to take me to court, lol. Nothing he could do because the house was mine, plus it was all loan. He was angry because I happen to find a bf soon after, and didn't want to be his friend. That made me grateful I divorced him and didn't second guess that ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not an abuser, but when my ex wife left me her parting shot was that I would be much happier dating someone unattractive in the future, presumably because this imagined woman would be grateful just to be with anyone.

I've heard from friends that it really grinds her gears that my wife is younger and more attractive, and this post reminds me of that.

Funny, PP, but my "parting shot" was that I will always love him and how sad I was that love didn't conquer all. Glad I could bring joy to you and other PP who incorrectly think this post is about who the ex husband hooked up with next rather than mourning a long, but troubled, marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To add insult to injury, who was introduced to him by one of his college fraternity brothers who grew up in this area. He was supposed to hit bottom, face his abuse and addiction, and try to reconcile the marriage. Everyone said, "Just wait until he sees what is in the post-divorce dating pool. Bwahaha. He'll realize what he's done and change."

Why is it abusers always seem to win somehow? If he is with her how he was with me, she won't see the abuse until AFTER they get married. I swear to God, it was like somebody flipped a switch at the stroke of midnight on our wedding day, and it got worse and worse over time. Took me 20 years to get out.

I wish I had friends from the area to introduce me to a hot future husband, but my luck doesn't run that way. Off to lick my wounds and create a good life for myself and my kids for the 50% that I have them.

Not that she will listen, but have you ever considered telling her about the abuse you have been through with him? May save her a lot of grief down the road and then you will feel that you have helped someone out instead of feeling like he got away with something. If she marries him and he pulls the same thing on her, she is going to wish someone had said something to her early on. Plus even if she doesn't listen to you it will always be in the back of her mind and if it starts up she will know to get out.

I would FB her or tell her as a courtesy, and what a decent person should do. If she has any documentation then I would give that to her. It's on her what she chooses to do, but I would be happy to be rid of a scumbag like that, and enjoy the 50% childless opportunity to enjoy my life with friends, dates, traveling, new hobbies, etc. OP chose to waste a lot of years with this loser, but she got out while she is still young while many don't.

Don't do that. It just won't go well for you. And it'll make you seem crazy.

This is one of those sucky situations that doesn't have any satisfactory resolution, other than you doing your best to separate and find something better for yourself.

And I'm sorry. This really is sucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. I have no doubt that if I left, my lazy, fat DH would suddenly shape up and find some adoring young girlfriend who somehow comanded more respect from him than I do. But you know what - leaving would be its own reward. Focus on what YOU have gained. He is still a miserable dick no matter who he can com next.

So why don't you leave your lazy, fat DH?

I don't know, but what OP said about abusers picking ultra-committed people rung a bell with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. I have no doubt that if I left, my lazy, fat DH would suddenly shape up and find some adoring young girlfriend who somehow comanded more respect from him than I do. But you know what - leaving would be its own reward. Focus on what YOU have gained. He is still a miserable dick no matter who he can com next.

So why don't you leave your lazy, fat DH?

I don't know, but what OP said about abusers picking ultra-committed people rung a bell with me.

True they pick weaker people who are insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To add insult to injury, who was introduced to him by one of his college fraternity brothers who grew up in this area. He was supposed to hit bottom, face his abuse and addiction, and try to reconcile the marriage. Everyone said, "Just wait until he sees what is in the post-divorce dating pool. Bwahaha. He'll realize what he's done and change."

Why is it abusers always seem to win somehow? If he is with her how he was with me, she won't see the abuse until AFTER they get married. I swear to God, it was like somebody flipped a switch at the stroke of midnight on our wedding day, and it got worse and worse over time. Took me 20 years to get out.

I wish I had friends from the area to introduce me to a hot future husband, but my luck doesn't run that way. Off to lick my wounds and create a good life for myself and my kids for the 50% that I have them.

I so relate to this, OP. Except swap hot preschool teacher for hot doctor. And 20 years for 23. Ugh.

You know this already but, really, all you can do is focus on yourself and your kids. And remember that you DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

Can't be a doctor at 20! At the most pre-med undergrad?

I think she meant that they had been together for 23 years, not that the new partner is 23 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not an abuser, but when my ex wife left me her parting shot was that I would be much happier dating someone unattractive in the future, presumably because this imagined woman would be grateful just to be with anyone.

I've heard from friends that it really grinds her gears that my wife is younger and more attractive, and this post reminds me of that.

Funny, PP, but my "parting shot" was that I will always love him and how sad I was that love didn't conquer all. Glad I could bring joy to you and other PP who incorrectly think this post is about who the ex husband hooked up with next rather than mourning a long, but troubled, marriage.

It was long and troubled but not about love at all. An abuser with a willing co-dependent who continues to view the dynamics inaccurately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not an abuser, but when my ex wife left me her parting shot was that I would be much happier dating someone unattractive in the future, presumably because this imagined woman would be grateful just to be with anyone.

I've heard from friends that it really grinds her gears that my wife is younger and more attractive, and this post reminds me of that.

Pretty shallow considering all will age so looks won't matter squat, only a trust worthy stable partner. My first husband said horrible things, I would marry a broke construction worker, his degree was great while mine wasn't marketable at all. Let me just say, I'm doing well he's not.

[Anonymous]

It was shallow of her for sure. She was beautiful when we married, while I'm pretty average and over time she tried to lord that over me.

I'm lucky that with my second wife I found someone beautiful inside and out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was shallow of her for sure. She was beautiful when we married, while I'm pretty average and over time she tried to lord that over me.

I'm lucky that with my second wife I found someone beautiful inside and out.

Most real beauties are bone ugly on the inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This bring joy to my soul. My ex was very hateful as we went through the divorce telling me I was too fat and that nobody would want to live with me in the future. The divorce was her idea. She doesn't know it yet but I've been dating a much younger woman for months. I'm sure the ex will go bonkers when she finds out.

Were you an abuser as well? Why would a story that doesn't mirror your own in any way bring joy to your soul?