Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OK, I love to talk about my affair and one doesn't nearly get enough chances IRL.
I've cheated once. I mean, with one person over a number of months. I'm F, married 18 years. Late 40s. Did not cheat in HS, college, post college boyfriend. Just not interested. But, at the same time, I knew I had the capacity. And I knew it wasn't a definite dealbreaker for me if my DH cheated. Not because I expected it, but because I didn't know how I'd react to it.
Anyway, back to the story. DH and I have our own dynamic, which can work very well, generally. Then a number of years ago we had a crisis, and instead of letting that bring us together as we had in the past during other crises, and we started drifting apart. It was both of our faults, perfect storm, whatever. And we had issues that we didn't talk about, we did not talk about feelings, or being distant. I didn't even really notice the drift until we were very far apart. By that point I didn't want to touch or be touched by DH. Duty sex. When we had the duty sex I was thinking about other men. A few in particular. Before the drift I also always masturbated with DH in mind. Then afterwards ... anybody else. Well, not anybody! I had my favorites.
Then I met AP. We spent a bit of time collaborating on a project over a few months, and at some point I realized I had a crush on him, and that was really fun. I was enjoying it. I knew he liked me, too, at least for a while. And then I realized the feelings were mutual, and he REALLY liked me. We were both married.
So, after I realized that he liked me, too, I told him I had a crush on him, big time. I was a little nervous to tell him, but not because I thought it would go over poorly, b/c I was certain the feelings were reciprocated. But because it is always tough to put yourself out there like that, and we were still working together. And because I knew I should have told my DH instead of my crush. But the nervous was not enough to stop me.
Well, blah blah blah I told him, and it was received favorably. We talked about it over a couple of weeks and then he made the first physical move. Very much wanted wanted physical move. And it evolved into a full-blown affair.
A number of months later her was caught, and then I was caught. Fallout. Yes. I can't work with this person every again. I've really fucked up my marriage, and my kids, while they don't know what actually happened, can feel the tension, still.
Do I vow never to do this again? No. I don't. If ap approached me again I'd hook up with him again in a Rockville minute. But I don't have aspirations to getting involved with another AP. The timing and situations for both of us were perfect (or ... unfortunate, I suppose, if you look at it from our spouse's points of view). It was what he needed and what I needed. Not that we couldn't have met those needs in better, more productive, and less cheaty ways. I know. But since you aren't going to judge me.... (hahahahaha! JK, I know you are)
It wasn't a moment of weakness. It was thought out, planned, and very very deliberate. It wasn't that I was one moment away from cheating. I was hundreds and thousands of moments away from my husband. I made the choices, I took action, and I own those. I also, like I said, would do it again. I don't really regret it yet, and it has been 18 months since D-day.
Seriously?! What kind of person doesn't regret fucking up their marriage and their kids?!
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