Can anyone convince me to call my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you are a priority for me, and I can promise I will do my best to call you once every weekend--that means Friday evening through Sunday evening. But I'm not going to call you on an ironclad schedule like every Sunday at 10 a.m., because life happens, and I don't want you to be disappointed if I miss the 'window.' Let's try it this way and see how it works."

+1

+100 this is really it

[Anonymous]

OP - from what you've written here, it sounds like your mother is emotionally abusive and extremely controlling (don't doubt for a second that she didn't WANT you to beg for her help you while your child was in the hospital). Set clear boundaries as others have recommended. Also keep in mind that your children are seeing how she treats you and this will likely color their treatment of you.

PPs who clearly have no understanding of this type of abusive dynamic write that your children will treat you the way you treat your mother. As long as you explain the boundaries to them in age appropriate language, this will likely not be an issue. As I said before, they are much more likely to treat you the way they see her treating you. And trust me, these types of individuals (individuals like your mother) are very good at getting their grandchildren to turn on their parents. It most likely won't be blatant. It will be quite subtle - they will set themselves up as the "good guy", they will override your parenting decisions in front of you and your children, they will have little "secrets" with your children...

You've gotten some really great suggestions from PPs on what language to use to set the boundaries. Most likely your mother will still throw a fit, because she's not the one calling the shots. Stay firm! For your sake, and the sake of your husband and children.

I'd also suggest checking out the Out of the Fog website and forum (http://outofthefog.website). Whether or not your mother has a personality disorder, there are a lot of people there who have experience setting boundaries with difficult family members and won't judge you.

One more thing - you said she was angry with you for "not being grateful enough" that she helped you while your child was in the hospital. This is not normal or healthy behavior. I used to experience the same type of thing with my own mother. Nothing, ever, was good enough. You may want to check this out as well: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother-survey/ When things came to a head with my own mother and I was trying to figure out what exactly the hell was going on, I stumbled across that. I answered yes to 30 of the 33 questions. That, combined with other reading I've done, and a lot of therapy helped me know what kind of boundaries to set with my mother that were based in reality, and not society's idea of what a mother-daughter relationship should be.

Good luck! Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

Yes, Debbie. When you have your own kids, your parents become extended family. This is hardly a novel approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

I think what floors me is that you are incapable of understanding not all moms are Carol Brady or June Cleaver and that some really are truly not decent people.

You have plenty of friends who have learned to keep their parents at arm's length and erect boundaries but they aren't going to tell you given how much insight you lack into human nature and relationships.

I didn't say all mothers were perfect. We are talking about this situation where a mother wants to connect with her daughter. All these people saying things like "your mother isn't family now that you have your own family?" Just despicable. You're going to get what's coming to you, ladies.

You need a therapist, because you are so threatened by people who have healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Calling an orphan despicable is just as bad as not calling your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op: Yes, I love her. But I was so incredibly hurt that she didn't stick with me during the whole crisis. And for over a year afterwards, she said many hurtful things to me.

It's not about calling your mom, then. I am one of those people who sees nothing wrong with a weekly phone date. But that assumes a good relationship. If you're not ready to have a relationship with your mom, it is what it is. I would be open about that with her.

[Anonymous]

My mother died 8 weeks ago. She was the most obnoxious pain in the ass you could imagine and I dreaded speaking to her on the phone. I miss talking to her and I wish I could call her again. Call your mother. You won't regret doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

Yes, Debbie. When you have your own kids, your parents become extended family. This is hardly a novel approach.

You are an idiot. You mother is ALWAYS your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

Yes, Debbie. When you have your own kids, your parents become extended family. This is hardly a novel approach.

You are an idiot. You mother is ALWAYS your immediate family.

Says who? Leave and cleave, look it up. Also, did your mother teach you to name call? Tsk tsk, Debbie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

Yes, Debbie. When you have your own kids, your parents become extended family. This is hardly a novel approach.

You are an idiot. You mother is ALWAYS your immediate family.

Says who? Leave and cleave, look it up. Also, did your mother teach you to name call? Tsk tsk, Debbie.

Oh, we're going to quote Scripture? Here are two for your review: Exodus 2:12, Ephesians 6:2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

Yes, Debbie. When you have your own kids, your parents become extended family. This is hardly a novel approach.

You are an idiot. You mother is ALWAYS your immediate family.

Says who? Leave and cleave, look it up. Also, did your mother teach you to name call? Tsk tsk, Debbie.

Oh, we're going to quote Scripture? Here are two for your review: Exodus 2:12, Ephesians 6:2.

Oh, Debbie. Get off the internet and go torture your kids. Maybe think up the next nice put-down for your DIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was required to call her mom (my grandmother) 7 days a week, always at 7 pm, for many years, until Grandma died at age 95. It seemed like my mom dreaded this obligation, and Grandma was livid if she was one minute late. I don't want to fall into this pattern. Talking to my mom stresses me out. She is requesting that I call her every Sunday at 10 am. I have 3 dcs, one with serious medical problems. My mom and dad are healthy. Thoughts?

OP you're a grown up with three kids.

Stop acting like a little child and make up your own damn mind what you want to do. Then do it.

Cosigned.

If you don't want to talk to her, or anyone--don't do it. Perhaps if she weren't so demanding you'd want to talk to her once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

You aren't very compassionate yourself. Have you lived with their mothers? What if they were abusive? Ever think that there may be a REASON that someone doesn't want to talk to their mother? Just because someone pushed/cut you out of their uterus doesn't mean that you have to take their shit as an adult or kowtow to them the rest of their lives.

If you had a great mother, be thankful. It's not a given in life.

[Anonymous]

Sure, go for it. Until you're a grown woman, that is. Once that happens, you should be able to make decisions like this and set your own boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you are a priority for me, and I can promise I will do my best to call you once every weekend--that means Friday evening through Sunday evening. But I'm not going to call you on an ironclad schedule like every Sunday at 10 a.m., because life happens, and I don't want you to be disappointed if I miss the 'window.' Let's try it this way and see how it works."

Perfect- I think the scheduled time is controlling, but a once a week phone call is far from being too much to ask.