Can anyone convince me to call my mother?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone noticed that OP's anger over the hospital issue sort of echoes this fight over phone times?

OP is willing to call her mom but on her own terms, and resents being told exactly what she must do to show her love. HOWEVER, OP felt she could dictate exactly how long and how much help her mom had to give her when her kid was ill.

It seems to me you guys are each doing the same thing--dictating to each other what the other must do to "prove" their love. You: Mom failed me by refusing to stay exactly as long as I wanted when my kids were sick. I am going to disregard the fact that she did come and help a lot. Mom: If my kid does not call me exactly when and how often I want, she is abandoning me.

I don't think you should call your mom on her schedule. But I don't think you should demand that she jump through the hoops you set for her, either. You both should just stop.

[Anonymous]

This like so many posts on this board is like two 6 year old children fighting in the sandbox.

Very emotionally immature!

[Anonymous]

op: The hospital issue is different from the phone call issue. I was terrified when my son was in the hospital. He lost the ability to walk and talk. I have 2 other kids who needed a relative at home in the evenings for emotional support during a turbulent time. My mom is healthy and so is my dad. I've never used her for free child care, and I paid the nanny (who works 7-6, because I work FT) the whole time Mom stayed. And I had to beg her to stay every day.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can say "I needed a relative of mine at home in the evenings".....but your need does not make that a fact that everyone in the world must agree with and fulfill.

Maybe your mom had her own competing needs. Maybe she *needed* to be with her husband and not be away from home for so long. Maybe she did not feel up to emotionally supporting young children. Other people have needs too! They are legitimate. You may not think so, but you cannot just disregard other people's needs.

You had to beg her to stay every day? Why did you do that? Seriously, why did you not turn to friends for help? You could have hired additional help in the evenings. Do these children not have a father?

The phone call issue is *exactly* like the hospital issue. "Do as I say, what I *need* you to do, or you do not love me and I am entitled to be furious at you." You might *wish* that your mom would have stayed longer and done everything you want. And she *wishes* that you would call her every week at the same appointed time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can say "I needed a relative of mine at home in the evenings".....but your need does not make that a fact that everyone in the world must agree with and fulfill.

Maybe your mom had her own competing needs. Maybe she *needed* to be with her husband and not be away from home for so long. Maybe she did not feel up to emotionally supporting young children. Other people have needs too! They are legitimate. You may not think so, but you cannot just disregard other people's needs.

You had to beg her to stay every day? Why did you do that? Seriously, why did you not turn to friends for help? You could have hired additional help in the evenings. Do these children not have a father?

The phone call issue is *exactly* like the hospital issue. "Do as I say, what I *need* you to do, or you do not love me and I am entitled to be furious at you." You might *wish* that your mom would have stayed longer and done everything you want. And she *wishes* that you would call her every week at the same appointed time.

NP here. While what you say is true, PP, would you leave your child in the lurch when they are going through such a hard time, when what they are asking for is so little? Geez, I wouldn't even leave a neighbor in the lurch like that. But those are my values, and it sounds like they are OP's too.

That being said, I would accommodate the call when you can, and when it isn't possible or convenient I would let your mom know that you will call when you're able. How she reacts to that is her own issue - you aren't being unreasonable. Would you make more effort to accommodate her request if you felt supported by her? Probably. But it's still a perfectly fair and reasonable arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it wasn't "so little" to her mom. Her kid was in the hospital for 2-3 months. I understand that it was a tough time--truly, a life-altering crisis--but it is enormous to ask someone to live with you and care for your kids for months. Would you do that for a neighbor? I wouldn't.

I *think* I would do it without question for my kid but when people get old they change....my parents find any change in their routine highly disruptive and anxiety-producing. Stuff that seems like it should be no big deal to me is very difficult for them.