Can anyone convince me to call my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my strategy for my mother, who is less into conversation, and more into an I can't get a word in edgewise monologue. I will call, and more than an hour later, she is still talking furiously, and I haven't said more than ummhmm. I say, mom, I really need to go, and she just keeps talking over me. There is just no way to get off the phone in under 90 minutes short of hanging up mid sentence. And since I'm a WOHM FT job, active kids, I don't have the time every week.

So, I started calling her during my morning commute once a week. I wait to call until I am about 15-20 minutes from the office. I put her on speakerphone and just tune her out while I drive. Once I get to the office, I do the mom, I'm pulling into the parking garage and going to lose the signal any second. Love you bye thing. I feel much less resentful, because this is wasted time anyway. And I am much more likely to do it if I can keep the conversation to under 20 minutes.

That's actually pretty clever, and sweet for your mom. She never knew, and she got to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

I think what floors me is that you are incapable of understanding not all moms are Carol Brady or June Cleaver and that some really are truly not decent people.

You have plenty of friends who have learned to keep their parents at arm's length and erect boundaries but they aren't going to tell you given how much insight you lack into human nature and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

I think what floors me is that you are incapable of understanding not all moms are Carol Brady or June Cleaver and that some really are truly not decent people.

You have plenty of friends who have learned to keep their parents at arm's length and erect boundaries but they aren't going to tell you given how much insight you lack into human nature and relationships.

I didn't say all mothers were perfect. We are talking about this situation where a mother wants to connect with her daughter. All these people saying things like "your mother isn't family now that you have your own family?" Just despicable. You're going to get what's coming to you, ladies.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents were healthy up until the days they died. And what does your child's medical situation have to do with this? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I think it's reasonable to set a goal time so you won't miss each other. If that time doesn't work for you, does another? We tend to call 10 am sun morn bc that's when we all can. I don't see the huge power play here. Maybe you are still resentful for what went on previously? I'd have no problem doing this for my mom - who wasn't perfect! - so I guess I don't see the big deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

I think what floors me is that you are incapable of understanding not all moms are Carol Brady or June Cleaver and that some really are truly not decent people.

You have plenty of friends who have learned to keep their parents at arm's length and erect boundaries but they aren't going to tell you given how much insight you lack into human nature and relationships.

Am praying that i don't have to be carol Brady or June cleaver to get a weekly call when my kids are grown!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

I think what floors me is that you are incapable of understanding not all moms are Carol Brady or June Cleaver and that some really are truly not decent people.

You have plenty of friends who have learned to keep their parents at arm's length and erect boundaries but they aren't going to tell you given how much insight you lack into human nature and relationships.

Am praying that i don't have to be carol Brady or June cleaver to get a weekly call when my kids are grown!

We talk to ILs every Sunday evening on Skype. If for some reason that doesn't work on either end, we mention in advance and shoot for a different time (they are in Asia).

Is OP's mother abusive? Can't we all put up with minor annoyances from our parents? This thread is depressing. My mother is not "extended family". Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never agree to a standing appointment. And I say this as an orphan. Besides, 10 am sunday is prime family time. She is no longer your nuclear family. She is extended family. If she is going to be annoying, she can get a call once a month.

Did you seriously just call someone's mother her extended family?

It absolutely fucking floors me how despicable some of the women are. I cannot fathom treating my mother this way, or anyone else's mother for that matter. You do realize someday your kids will be adults and you will be in your mothers place right? The whole thing is just so incredibly pathetic and sad. I don't know how anyone who treats their parents this way can be any sort of compassionate parent or member of society for that matter.

I think what floors me is that you are incapable of understanding not all moms are Carol Brady or June Cleaver and that some really are truly not decent people.

You have plenty of friends who have learned to keep their parents at arm's length and erect boundaries but they aren't going to tell you given how much insight you lack into human nature and relationships.

Am praying that i don't have to be carol Brady or June cleaver to get a weekly call when my kids are grown!

We talk to ILs every Sunday evening on Skype. If for some reason that doesn't work on either end, we mention in advance and shoot for a different time (they are in Asia).

Is OP's mother abusive? Can't we all put up with minor annoyances from our parents? This thread is depressing. My mother is not "extended family". Ugh.

Amen . Some truly nasty women on this thread.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, your mother was abusive in this regard, and for some reason you complied with her demand. Sorry but I don't have to comply. I will be calling you when I can, so that I can look forward to it instead of dreading it. Must go now, love you, bye."

I call my mother about 3 times a week, but what I'm balking at here is your mother's demand, particularly since it follows an apparently unpleasant pattern from the older generation! Sounds like your poor mother had a disturbed upbringing and doesn't know how to relate to others in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you ask your mom how she felt about your grandmother's request. Were there times she did did not want to call? What if she wanted to be out of town, away? What were her feelings about it? Ask her feelings. Then tell her your feelings. Then tell her what you are going to do; make your decision and don't feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

OP: My mom is not going to admit that she ever didn't want to call Grandma, even though I saw this directly. Also: I used to call my mom during my morning commute. I used to enjoy talking to her. When my son was in the hospital 2 years ago, she helped with my other 2 kids, but only after extreme begging on my part which I had to repeat daily, she left while he was still very ill in the hospital, and she was very angry at me for not being grateful enough. Things haven't been the same since, although they have improved tremendously with time, and I've been to therapy. She even agreed to a couple of sessions with me, which were very tense, but I really appreciate that she agreed. I'm not angry at her. I just don't want to repeat the relationship she had with Grandma.

[Anonymous]

OP - I have a similar scenario. My mom & her 2 siblings were expected to call their mom daily. My mom had a conflicted relationship with her mom I don't need to go into. My mom and I ourselves have a conflicted relationship. We too have gone to therapy some. My strategy has been to call whenever I have something I think of as low-hanging fruit: something fun to talk about (usually her grandkids) that is completely non controversial. Like a PP, I tend to call on my commute - using time I'd be in the car anyways and with an easy end point -- pulling into my garage, gotta go! Over time this has eased tensions between my mom and I. Likely she still wants more calls and/or visits, but I sidestep the power play demands and just continue to do this sort of thing. Really, as often as it occurs to me. About once a week but sometimes more. Sometimes I'll go a week or two but I try not to. Good luck OP. Complicated relationships with your mother run deep and I know this must be challenging to navigate.

[Anonymous]

I would give anything to be able to call my mom once a week. She died long ago.

I don't see anything unreasonable with your mom's request, OP. It is only once a week. Don't you love your mom? Would you really want to go more than once a week with no communication?

[Anonymous]

op: Yes, I love her. But I was so incredibly hurt that she didn't stick with me during the whole crisis. And for over a year afterwards, she said many hurtful things to me.