Resenting SAHD DH

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is bitter about all those years he was essentially a single dad, and now he feels like he's reaped the rewards. It's not right, but maybe there's some bitterness there, even though he chose to be the sahp.

Being a sahp with little ones is no cake walk. Yea, it's not the hardest job, but it's unrelenting. When I was wohm, I could take breaks, go out to lunch, chitchat with my coworkers; I couldn't really do much of that as a sahm to little kids. So, I can see how some sahp become resentful of wohp - they feel that you had it a bit easier than them.

It's basically a case of "grass is greener" and lack of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Listen. You married your husband and agreed for him to stay home so you can work and advance your career. He gave up his to support you in yours. He isn't your maid! He is your husband. Just because you earn the money you shouldn't undervalue the contribution he has made to allow you to have your career and get all the time during the day that you spend at the office away from the kids. You get adult time all day long. You are getting home at 9 at night. Why are you avoiding your children? Why aren't you getting home and helping him with the household work? He needs a break from the kids but it sounds like you even missed their bed time. He is holding all the family responsibilities while you are off doing what you want to for yourself all day long.

Would you say this "why are you avoiding your children?" bullshit to a man who works late and doesn't see his children during the week while his wife stays home? No, I doubt it. You would say, "He is working hard all day for the family, you should support him doing that!" Oh wait, you actually did say that. About this husband. Who does not go to an office and also does not take care of the home.

You clearly did not read the OP's post thoroughly. He's NOT holding all the family responsibilities. He's not doing the shopping or the laundry, the cleaning, the errands, etc. He's getting the kids to and from school and feeding them. He's not feeding OP, who is a part of the family. Why should the OP work all day and come home to do the cleaning while her husband sits around and plays video games while the kids are in school?

Actually, yes I would.

[Anonymous]

Oh please, as my husband would say, "you married a MAMBO".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

You seem to be going about this all wrong, OP. You're happy with him being a SAHD, you just want him not to suck at it.

Being a SAHD means taking care of your needs and wants at home, not just taking care of the kids.

He doesn't need to go back to work, he needs to get good.

+1

You dont sound bitter about him being home while you make all the money. You just want a reasonable amount of housework done. i would just make sure to point out how you appreciate all that he does for the kids when you raise this discussion.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

You are totally missing the point. Neither you nor your husband had FT care of your children when they were young. I'm not talking about laundry and groceries. I'm talking about the exhausting, unrelenting work of FT care for young people. You have never done that. Neither has your husband. You went to work and got loads of adult time and solo time. It is not the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

You are totally missing the point. Neither you nor your husband had FT care of your children when they were young. I'm not talking about laundry and groceries. I'm talking about the exhausting, unrelenting work of FT care for young people. You have never done that. Neither has your husband. You went to work and got loads of adult time and solo time. It is not the same thing.

You are correct that neither one of us SAH with the kids when they were young, but I really don't see how that is germane to this situation. The tasks still need to get done. The person who is working full time at an office is doing those tasks, in her hours outside of that office. The person who is staying home with the young children is only rarely doing those tasks and is filling up the time when the children are not around with leisure activities. Going to my office is not the same thing, relaxation-wise, as sitting around playing video games. One of those things is work. One of time is not. The person who is working should not have to pick up the chore-slack from the person who is not working simply because it is tiring to care for young children.

Unless what you're telling me is that no one who stays home with children under school age is able to do laundry or do the grocery shopping regularly. Is that what you're saying? I'm not saying that he should get ZERO free time. I'm just saying that he currently has a lot more free time than she does and the balance of free time could be evened out a little bit by him using some of his free time to go to the damn grocery store every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please, as my husband would say, "you married a MAMBO".

What does that stand for?