Resenting SAHD DH

[Anonymous]

DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

[Anonymous]

I don't think she should return to a job like that. He should continue to stay home.

He needs to make all weekday meals, cleaning, groceries.

[Anonymous]

*he

[Anonymous]

I felt that way about my DH. Then he went back to work. Now we're both exhausted and miserable. Im not sure that his being miserable alongside me made my life any better. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Have you had a (calm) discussion with him about picking up more of the household responsibilities? That seems more the issue than whether or not he has a job that pays income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you had a (calm) discussion with him about picking up more of the household responsibilities? That seems more the issue than whether or not he has a job that pays income.

I agree. My DH was a SAHD for a while and I had to give him a list of things to do every day. If not, he'd get lost in the black hole called Internet. Sure, he'd make dinner but that would be the only thing he did. If his job is the household, you need to define what, exactly, that is. Good luck. My DH ended up getting a part time job.

[Anonymous]

WTF. I can't even fathom that your DH didn't make you dinner and routinely doesn't do the laundry or grocery shop. I think a HUGE reallocation of chores is in order, or he should go back to work and hire some help with his pay. Because 6 hours a day is a LOT to work with toward keeping the house clean and stocked. It doesn't have to be a CAREER, but a job, at least!

Dang. 4 is still young, and it is SO SO helpful to have somebody with flexibility to be there for doctor's visits, school trips, etc. etc. But it sounds as though your system is not working and needs an adjustment!

[Anonymous]

I'm married to a SAHD, too, and I'm not the treat-it-like-it's-a-job type, either. Love that my husband is home to get everybody where they need to be, hang out with the kids, and feed us all healthy food. But i would be really frustrated if I were in your shoes, OP. It's a SAHP's job to make sure you have a good meal to come home to, and to take care of as much during the week as possible so that you can chill and enjoy the kids when you're home. Way back when my H first started staying home and shit wasn't getting done--I was coming home exhausted and doing laundry and cooking--and I told him our marriage wouldn't make it if things didn't change. Things changed after that.

[Anonymous]

I am the husband with a SAHM wife with kids the same age as yours and same schedule, i.e. kids in school most of the day. I am ok with it, but ONLY because my wife takes care of 100% of the domestic. All the kids stuff, the cooking, all cleaning (I help with dishes and stuff when home) and doctors, dentists, etc. So when the kids go to bed, we can chill. She doesn't work as many hours as I do, but I am grateful for her contribution.

If she was napping, screwing around on computer, not keeping a good house, I would be resentful too. Time for your DH to get a job.

[Anonymous]

I am a wife, I work about 10 hours a week and I td

[Anonymous]

SAHD of 6 years here.

I think this is completely unacceptable. I think you need to have a discussion about your expectations.

[Anonymous]

See, this goes back to that long thread about how men don't do enough housechores/childcare, and their definition of it vs. a woman's definition. Yes, it is the job of the sahp to make sure the house is somewhat clean, dinner cooked, shopping done, kids' hw done, kids' activities, dr's appts, etc.. on the calendar. Why doesn't the sahd know this? Isn't this part of the point of having a sahp, so that the other parent doesn't have to deal with most of this stuff when they get home?

The dinner thing I totally don't get. Was he just being a jerk on purpose for some reason?

OP - if he isn't going to do more, then he might as well go get a job and contribute financially. Hire out the cleaning; put your kids in aftercare; and get take out, or precook some meals on the weekends and freeze it. If his income can pay for all of this, and then some, then he needs to go back to work.

slacker is the word for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be pretty resentful in your shoes, too. My DH is a SAHD to our 2.5yo and does 90% of the household chores - cleaning, groceries/errands, laundry, cooking. I think you need to revisit the topic with your DH. There could be a reason he's not doing these things, or maybe he's just lazy and inconsiderate. Regardless, your DH either needs to step up at home or perhaps get a PT job.

[Anonymous]

This is why I would never consent to my DH being a SAHD. He thinks he would do all the housework but the reality is, he would be trolling the Internet for 6 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Your situation sounds very familiar to me. I feel as if I have heard your story over and over again over the last decade. Unfortunately, as you said, you didn't define the terms of your arrangement with great specificity from the get go. Now that things have calmed down, your husband seems to have a lot of time free and that annoys you. It is totally understandable. That being said, I think you wrote your post when upset. You need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Be honest, be sincere, don't be mean. Sleep well, eat well, AND then talk about it. Don't do it when tired or hungry - trust me. If he gets it and agrees that he was wrong and shows commitment he will change, then I think he should continue to stay home. If not, let him go back to work, hire a nanny - you have the money!! It will be easier. It is tough to have a stay at home spouse, that is why I decided that my husband and I needed to both work so that we are on equal terms and can be going through the same difficulties in life. Of course, it makes childcare expensive and more difficult to manage, but I fee like that way we can be on the same page and we can better understand each other. Its tough. Good luck, anything can be resolved.