Resenting SAHD DH

[Anonymous]

You DH is lazy. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

Totally reasonable to be resentful. He's cheating, same as emotionally, in your relationship and he's become a slug.

The keeping him as and SAHD is a to cover snow days, doctors visits... do you have a network of friends, other SAHPs to rely on?

His lower income status, why was that... are you a lawyer and he was a bell hop? I'm wondering why the difference between you and him, and how that may be at play here. Do you share interests, enjoy the same shows/hobbies/activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

If he goes back to work, YOU have to be THE back up parent for sick days, snow days... for at least the first year since you have already built up PTO and work relationships. He needs at least a year where his job is first to build that up.

Hire out for the cleaning, have him take over the cooking/shopping- start with Blue Apron or similar.

He paid his and your dues regarding the heavy lifting of parenting in the early years and now that things are getting easier for him, now you want more. He stayed at home so you could keep your career on full throttle so it would get easier for you- things should be easier for you now since the more senior people get the more flexibility they can have. If you want more time with family and yourself, you need to dial down your career- it sounds like you get step won a bit and still have plenty of money.

Go to marital counseling and figure out what each of you is willing to do and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen. You married your husband and agreed for him to stay home so you can work and advance your career. He gave up his to support you in yours. He isn't your maid! He is your husband. Just because you earn the money you shouldn't undervalue the contribution he has made to allow you to have your career and get all the time during the day that you spend at the office away from the kids. You get adult time all day long. You are getting home at 9 at night. Why are you avoiding your children? Why aren't you getting home and helping him with the household work? He needs a break from the kids but it sounds like you even missed their bed time. He is holding all the family responsibilities while you are off doing what you want to for yourself all day long.

Would you say this "why are you avoiding your children?" bullshit to a man who works late and doesn't see his children during the week while his wife stays home? No, I doubt it. You would say, "He is working hard all day for the family, you should support him doing that!" Oh wait, you actually did say that. About this husband. Who does not go to an office and also does not take care of the home.

You clearly did not read the OP's post thoroughly. He's NOT holding all the family responsibilities. He's not doing the shopping or the laundry, the cleaning, the errands, etc. He's getting the kids to and from school and feeding them. He's not feeding OP, who is a part of the family. Why should the OP work all day and come home to do the cleaning while her husband sits around and plays video games while the kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

I am the pp who said that you should just hire a housekeeper. I have been in your position and the OP's position, and working 50-60 hours a week is not the same as working 80+ and really going full throttle in your career. It is a different family dynamic. And no, it hasn't been eight years since they had little kids. And in fact, I would argue that a four year old and a seven year old still require a lot of hands on attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP but yes, I think people would say that to a man who works 12+ hours a day and doesn't see his family much at all. I absolutely would.

OP, if he didn't even leave a bit of dinner for you I am certain there is strong resentment on his part. You are telling your side of the story but he has one, too. My guess is you haven't appreciated all the intensely difficult work of those early years of parenting. And your youngest is 4? Those days weren't long ago. I'm sure he is totally exhausted and feels unappreciated.

I agree he should do more now that the kids are in school but maybe he gets a few months of your graciousness while he tries to replenish. Then, maybe you can calmly discuss a new role with him.

"A few months to replenish"? He's been staying home for EIGHT YEARS. He should have been doing this stuff the whole time, but now he should get time to replenish, during which time OP will continue to do these things?

I work 50 hours a week. My husband works 60 hours a week. I do the grocery shopping. He does the laundry. If one of us is having a particularly long day or week, the other one picks up the slack. Neither one of us would ever pull the dinner crap that the OP's husband pulled. If DH and the kids ate all the dinner before I got home for whatever reason, he would make something for me (even if it was just a grilled cheese sandwich) as soon as I got home.

I am the pp who said that you should just hire a housekeeper. I have been in your position and the OP's position, and working 50-60 hours a week is not the same as working 80+ and really going full throttle in your career. It is a different family dynamic. And no, it hasn't been eight years since they had little kids. And in fact, I would argue that a four year old and a seven year old still require a lot of hands on attention.

I agree that it's a different family dynamic with more hours. I was simply pointing out that families where both parents work still have to do many of these chores, and no one gets a "replenishment" time period. I didn't. My husband didn't. The OP is the one going full throttle, and she's still the one doing the groceries and laundry most of the time. Hiring a housekeeper is a fine idea, but it will not solve the underlying problem, which is that the OP's husband is not respectful of his wife's time away from work.

I agree that the kids still require a lot of attention, but they are in school from 9-3. That's 6 whole hours a day, 30 days a week. The grocery shopping takes me about 2 hours a week - including making a list, going to the store, getting home and putting stuff away. The laundry takes another 2 hours a week, depending on how much we need to wash. The OP's husband could do those things and still have 26 hours while the kids were in school to "replenish."

[Anonymous]

I stay at home with a 1 and 3 year old and accomplish more than your husband. I don't understand how anyone could possibly feel good about him/herself if they are playing video games all day. Is something else going on? Depression? Surely no one is that lazy.

[Anonymous]

OP here - DH doesn't seem depressed to me but we haven't talked about it. It seems like he's really gotten used to an easy life and doing less and less as time goes by. For those who are saying I expect a maid - I don't. In fact we have a cleaning service, so all I really need him to do is the grocery shopping weekly, throw in SOME laundry and I can take care of the rest, and cook dinner a few nights a week and figure out a plan for take out the rest of the week. I really don't think this is a lot of work in exchange for a very comfortable life.

He does have a college degree - in hotel mgmt. We're high school sweethearts who were together for many many yrs before marriage and kids. To get ahead in hotel mgmt to where you're the GM of a large hotel, you basically have to spend a few yrs learning all the roles in the hotel. He started off doing that after college and was fine at it but had no real interest in busting his @ss for it. So when we got to a point where I didn't want to step back in my career, he wanted to do it in order to create a family life for us. I'm grateful for all he has done - he knows that - but when one person now has 30 hrs of downtime a week and the other has none and is still doing the grocery shopping, it causes resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - DH doesn't seem depressed to me but we haven't talked about it. It seems like he's really gotten used to an easy life and doing less and less as time goes by. For those who are saying I expect a maid - I don't. In fact we have a cleaning service, so all I really need him to do is the grocery shopping weekly, throw in SOME laundry and I can take care of the rest, and cook dinner a few nights a week and figure out a plan for take out the rest of the week. I really don't think this is a lot of work in exchange for a very comfortable life.

He does have a college degree - in hotel mgmt. We're high school sweethearts who were together for many many yrs before marriage and kids. To get ahead in hotel mgmt to where you're the GM of a large hotel, you basically have to spend a few yrs learning all the roles in the hotel. He started off doing that after college and was fine at it but had no real interest in busting his @ss for it. So when we got to a point where I didn't want to step back in my career, he wanted to do it in order to create a family life for us. I'm grateful for all he has done - he knows that - but when one person now has 30 hrs of downtime a week and the other has none and is still doing the grocery shopping, it causes resentment.

Have you told him that, OP? What does he say when you point these things out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

My friend did this with her husband. After 2 years her friends started saying stuff. She asked my opinion and I said that he should be working and contributing to a 401k etc. I asked if their home was paid for and if they were debt free. Of course the answer was no, so I told her he can't afford to stay home.

Not only that but he didn't do much. Played golf and would pick up the kid at daycare, real nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is a SAHD -- which was decision we made together 8 yrs ago before we got pregnant with DC 1. 2 kids now -- ages 7 and 4. I was working ALL the time back then and was on the cusp of getting promoted and I knew that I could not keep the work schedule I needed to while providing the type of care that kids need -- so my view was either he stays home or we don't have kids. He really really wanted kids and really didn't care about his job at all and was excited to stay home. He's a good dad and is the primary parent BUT now that it's been 7 yrs and I'm still working ALL the time, I am getting fairly resentful of his schedule.

Obviously in the early days, his schedule was tough -- caring of infants/toddlers 12+ hrs a day is not easy. But now the kids are SO manageable and are off to school by 8-9 am and don't get home until 3 pm. That means he naps, watches tv, plays video games, and spends all day on whatever fantasy sport is in season. When he first got into being a SAHD our agreement was simple - his responsibility was the kid(s) and if he could do stuff around the home, great, but there wasn't like a chore list or anything. Now though -- I expect (and have said) that since he has 7 hrs a day free, he could grocery shop, do laundry etc. He never does or very rarely. It set me off this week that I got home at 9 pm one night and found that he had fed the kids and eaten dinner and not even made anything extra or saved leftovers for me. Meanwhile I'm thinking -- me working 12+ hrs a day and making a huge income means you don't have to work, get 35 hrs a week to yourself, and have a luxury car and whatever tech toys you want -- couldn't you have picked up extra takeout or boiled some pasta for me too??!

When we had talked about being a SAHD back in the day, it was "temporary," but neither of us defined what that meant. Part of me thinks it's gone on too long now and he needs to go back to work -- but part of me thinks, there will still be sick days, snow days, days where I must travel and having him home provides flexibility. Should I approach going back to work again? Thing is -- he didn't have a career, he had a job; he was working at a hotel -- so while we don't need the money, I imagine he could pick up hotel shift work. He doesn't have the type of career that lots of guys on DCUM do where they can freelance, start their own small consulting firm etc.

Am I being unreasonable for being over the stay home thing?

You seem to be going about this all wrong, OP. You're happy with him being a SAHD, you just want him not to suck at it.

Being a SAHD means taking care of your needs and wants at home, not just taking care of the kids.

He doesn't need to go back to work, he needs to get good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - DH doesn't seem depressed to me but we haven't talked about it. It seems like he's really gotten used to an easy life and doing less and less as time goes by. For those who are saying I expect a maid - I don't. In fact we have a cleaning service, so all I really need him to do is the grocery shopping weekly, throw in SOME laundry and I can take care of the rest, and cook dinner a few nights a week and figure out a plan for take out the rest of the week. I really don't think this is a lot of work in exchange for a very comfortable life.

He does have a college degree - in hotel mgmt. We're high school sweethearts who were together for many many yrs before marriage and kids. To get ahead in hotel mgmt to where you're the GM of a large hotel, you basically have to spend a few yrs learning all the roles in the hotel. He started off doing that after college and was fine at it but had no real interest in busting his @ss for it. So when we got to a point where I didn't want to step back in my career, he wanted to do it in order to create a family life for us. I'm grateful for all he has done - he knows that - but when one person now has 30 hrs of downtime a week and the other has none and is still doing the grocery shopping, it causes resentment.

He needs to go back to work. He's not putting into social security or a retirement. The longer he stays home, the greater the impact to your future.

[Anonymous]

I'd let go of the 9pm dinner thing. If you usually don't come home that late, maybe he thought you ate already. I just don't think it matters. If he never had dinner for you, that's a separate conversation. I have a PT SAHD, but it help that I was once a SAHM, and I get that even though you have "all this time" to yourself, you also pay by never being able to count on anything happening as scheduled - you are always coping with sick kids, appts who don't show up, emerging problems, etc.