Fuming! Need some advice about SIL and how she handled soemthing

[Anonymous]

You need to let this go, OP.
You can't take your revenge on SIL by taking away the bag.

And I don't like the way you described your SIL. So what if she's this way? What harm has she ever done to YOU? You sound horribly jealous.

[Anonymous]

I think it was very nice of them. Your daughter is 2 years out from being adult. You should let her have her own relationships with her relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is 16, not 6. Let her enjoy the bag and I don't see why you'd bother being angry over this. This is not a big deal.

And while you described your wife as "VERY Type A" it sounds like that description also fits you.

Disagree it IS a big deal to parents who do not condone spending this kind of money on such an elaborate item. It would not fly in my house and my daughters would not be allowed at 16 to carry $2000 bags I don't care if an angel swooped down and gave it to them. I would package it up and return it with a nice note, and allow it to be a teaching moment to your daughter about earning those kinds of things....and it would surely school this woman who has no respect for your wishes.

You have to earn[i] gifts now? This is a sweet sixteen birthday; right or wrong, it is a culturally special birthday, a rite of passage. If someone else can afford to send your daughter a milestone birthday gift that is extravagant, who are YOU to decide she should package and return it? Mommy fucking dearest? That is so incredibly rude and piggish.

Have fun controlling your children's lives as they reach adulthood. See how that works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You need to let this go, OP.
You can't take your revenge on SIL by taking away the bag.

And I don't like the way you described your SIL. So what if she's this way? What harm has she ever done to YOU? You sound horribly jealous.

I agree. I especially didn't understand the relevance of being hard featured but having moments of attractiveness. Like, what?!

[Anonymous]

The present is not about you. It's not a slap in your face. This woman probably didn't even think about you when she bought it. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

You sound really bitter OP. You post offers so much insight into your own personality and emotions which are the driving force behind this, the. You sent an email to your brother (what are trying to accomplish by this - a fight?). This is all about you and you need to get over it. Also, everyone will think the bag is a knock-off anyway so don't even worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Graciously accept the gift. They can afford it, and it is consistent with their lifestyle, but not yours - and your DD knows this. Accepting the gift doesn't mean you are changing your own family's values or choices - and your DD understands that too. She's 16, and has grown up in your household, not yours.

You can act shocked and even let your DD know that you don't approve at all, that you think it's crazy, and talk about why. But at the same time acknowledge SIL's generosity.

Make sure your DD understands how to care for it properly and treat it well. And make sure she thanks them profusely.

But don't fume - they make different choices than you, that's all. And FWIW, I am like you and would never in a million years make such a purchase. My own bag is $30. My kids understand this about me, and it's how we live as a family, so I wouldn't make a big deal if my DD got an extravagant gift for a special occasion.

Your DD is being raised by you, not your SIL.

Agree with this entire post. OP, unless you wish to alienate SIL forever, you can't say anything. Have DD write a thank you note (you don't have to, the gift wasn't to you) and tell DD it is her responsibility to care for the bag. She can find out how to care for it, she can do the care, and if something happens to it, there is no replacing it unless she does so from her own money.

I buy my purses at Target. They cost $30. I sew them up when they get ratty until I no longer can do so. I would never in a million years buy a purse that cost more than $100, much less $1800. I find it to be shocking. But DD is 16, not 10; she's old enough to know what she wants and to develop her own style, and if that's markedly different from yours, all you can do is sigh. If she's not using your money to buy her stuff, and it's not completely inappropriate in a sexual way, then I say let her do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You need to let this go, OP.
You can't take your revenge on SIL by taking away the bag.

And I don't like the way you described your SIL. So what if she's this way? What harm has she ever done to YOU? You sound horribly jealous.

I agree. I especially didn't understand the relevance of being hard featured but having moments of attractiveness. Like, what?!

+1 geez. Please take the time for some self reflection, OP.

[Anonymous]

Ha ha, I think Baglatinnos... oh sorry just googled it guess they are Bagalinis! SO not into expensive purses... but I'd let this go. Make sure DD does not carry a lot of cash and have a copy of all credit cards for when the bag is stolen, as others have said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother (4 years older than me) who is a very successful surgeon who lives on west coast divorced 6 years ago and remarried 2 years ago. I didn't like his wife from the start. She is the opposite of me. VERY type A, super driven,rather hard looking but has moments of attractiveness, super fit (a runner), ambitious to a fault, did not have kids but became a stepmother to my brothers 2 girls. She takes very good care of herself and likes only the best thankfully my B can afford this. To her credit, she is a success in her own right and came with her own hefty bank account.

We are comfortable (my husband is an attorney) I stay at home but do some freelance work from home. My D is 16 and way more fashion forward than I. I am rather simple, as I favor athletic gear on a day to day basis, I am very active and not a super girly girl type mom. Brothers wife is so my D is in awe. My D recently had a sweet 16, we threw her a party, we of course invited my B and his wife and kids but they couldn't come. Now my entire family knows I am dead set against my D having a very expensive bag. I don't mind Coach or Kate Spade, something a few hundred dollars is OK but not a few thousand just on principle alone. I don't buy myself those kinds of bags! My H agrees.

4 days ago we get a huge box delivered from Louis Vuitton. It is a beautiful LV tote for my D from guess who........? Yes my brothers wife, of course it is signed all of them. Looked it up and this bag is around $1800!!! My D was ecstatic and went nuts and I needed a drink to calm myself down. She did this to defy my wishes, she knows my feelings on this as we have discussed it many times. My H was not thrilled but thinks we should let it go. I am not sure how to react. Please for someone who is reading this and is more level headed than I....tell me what to do/not do.

'll be the lone dissentng voice and say your SIL was wrong. She knows your views and went against your wishes. I suspect the grief you are getting OP is from women who identify themselves in your description of your SIL, so instead of looking at her actions they feel personally attacked and are defending themselves. Had you post been about your MIL you would have more support.

For those crying 16 is is not 6. Well it's not 18 either until then mom and dad have the right to set the values for their home. The role of the extended family is to respect those limits period. The bag would be going back.

For those worried about the dynamic. Being quiet and saying nothing wil not change this behavior. Keeping the gift sends the message that when mommy and daddy say no ask auntie she'll buy it for me.

[Anonymous]

Lol it's a gift. Do you really think your SIL gave any thought into what you want? No it's not a grand conspiracy just a grand gesture. Your insecurities are hanging out for all to see. I'd be hitting them up for a graduation gift in a couple of years if I were you. Your DD is old enough to make some choices. Have you thought about how much you are ruining a nice gift for her? It is not your place to say no at this age. Sweet sixteen is about growing up and preparing to be your own person.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with PPs. If you have discussed this with your SIL, I would write her a polite note thanking her for the gift, but pointing out that you'd agreed that your daughter would not carry such an expensive bag. And return the bag to your SIL so she can return it. You can tell her, politely, that you've agreed that a Coach bag or similar will be fine, but nothing more expensive is appropriate for a 16 year old girl.

I can afford a LV bag, but I wouldn't buy one ever! I think they are tacky, and super-tacky, beyond belief on a 16 year old girl!!

Send it back, OP, and don't think twice about it. You are your child's mom, and you decide what she can and can't have. Your house, your rules, and your SIL has to obey them.

If you can't bear to send it back, can you return it to the store? Get a refund and put the $$ into your DDs college fund!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is 16, not 6. Let her enjoy the bag and I don't see why you'd bother being angry over this. This is not a big deal.

And while you described your wife as "VERY Type A" it sounds like that description also fits you.

Disagree it IS a big deal to parents who do not condone spending this kind of money on such an elaborate item. It would not fly in my house and my daughters would not be allowed at 16 to carry $2000 bags I don't care if an angel swooped down and gave it to them. I would package it up and return it with a nice note, and allow it to be a teaching moment to your daughter about earning those kinds of things....and it would surely school this woman who has no respect for your wishes.

Help me understand this mindset. I understand that you are instilling values in your child such that you wouldn't want her to (or allow her to) SPEND that kind of money on a bag. I get that. But what value are you teaching her by not letting her keep a gift that costs that much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not a hill to die on. You might consider dialing back on the day-to-day "athletic gear" though.

Stupid comment. If someone works out everyday wouldn't athletic gear EVERY DAY seem appropriate? I am one of them and am comfortable, make sure i always look neat and as some wear designer jeans and fancy bags that suit their lifestyle so too does my athletic wear suit mine. Let me guess you weight 200 lbs?

Different poster here. I was with you until you started ragging on someone's weight. Unnecessary insult that says more about you than PP.

+1 You lost me and probably a lot of other non-fashionistas there, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not a hill to die on. You might consider dialing back on the day-to-day "athletic gear" though.

Stupid comment. If someone works out everyday wouldn't athletic gear EVERY DAY seem appropriate? I am one of them and am comfortable, make sure i always look neat and as some wear designer jeans and fancy bags that suit their lifestyle so too does my athletic wear suit mine. Let me guess you weight 200 lbs?

So you're in the gym 10 hrs a day? I work out too, but have an acutal real job that would frown upon "athletic wear". I'm not the PP, by the way. You just sound like an unattractive control freak who is envious of her new SIL. Get a makeover and some actual employment so you have other things on which to focus your extra energy.