Married man going to lunch with single female inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

I go out to lunch with a very attractive female colleague every so often and I tell my wife that I am doing it. The female colleague and I attended the same graduate program but did not overlap. We have taken two different career paths but both paths are not traditional for our degrees, so we get together every once in awhile to compare notes. like I said she is attractive but all business, so after a minute or two it's all good.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife who posted earlier. I certainly don't expect my husband to limit his lunchtime conversations to work only. What a boring lunch. Co-workers and friends talk about their lives and that's okay! You can engage in personal conversation without it being inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I don't know....that's why I'm asking you ladies. I don't want to have any more lunches if I think she has romantic interest. If not, then I can handle it. I respect her as a friend.

It's very possible she sees it as a networking lunch.

You are attracted to her, though, so I'd tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much do you talk about work, vs. other things? Are you co-equals work wise? If so, this isn't necessarily any different than grabbing lunch with your male colleague. If you aren't really talking about work, but using that as an excuse to go have lunch, then maybe this is something to think about.
As a 40-something single woman I can promise you it is possible she is interested just in your work mind. I have lunch with married male colleagues all the time. But we are clearly discussing our jobs - not to say 'life' never comes up as a topic, but that's because we are dedicated professionals for whom work is part of every aspect of our lives.

Ugh. Work is part of 'every aspect' of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fine. It is unlikely she is interested unless she has done something else to express that. If you are having trouble keeping things separate though then you should stop.

+1

[Anonymous]

I can see both sides of this. I'm a married woman who has lunch with single male colleagues on occasion. In fact, I went out with two of them together a couple of weeks ago. Nothing odd happened, and it was kind of a working lunch where we went over some pending work projects but then also shot the breeze for a bit. So, nothing inappropriate at all.

My husband, however, was often going to lunch with a female coworker, always alone, and turns out he was having an affair with her. He was always "busy" for lunch so could never meet up with me when my work meetings took me near his office. I did not suspect a thing because I have had lunch with men, alone and in groups, with nothing odd going on. And they were going out to lunch multiple times a week, though I thought it was way less often at the time. Also, she is quite unattractive so I figured she was safe.

OP, it sounds almost like you are kind of attracted to her the way you write. If you have had fantasies about her and can't stop thinking about her, make sure you don't invite her for drinks or go to a more secluded place. Better yet, bring a third person with you on the lunches - one that has work things in common. For all we know, she is not attracted to you at all, but you seem uncomfortable, hence your question, so I would just make sure to keep everything above board and not try to expand things.

[Anonymous]

When I was single, I said yes to some lunches with married guys and no to others. The ones I said yes to were the one where I knew the wives, and the wife might join us or not. It was all open and there was simply friendship involved - sometimes I'd hang with the wife without the husband.

If the guy doesn't tell his wife, does things slyly, etc - no way. Even if he didn't think he wanted to cheat in the beginning, after a while,you could see their minds going there.

OP, if you don't think you want to tell your wife, you've got a problem. If you think she'd freak out because you mention a single female, you also have a problem in that you're not in a solid relationship. My DH will sometimes have lunch with a female colleague, and I hear about it and don't think much about it. We work in the same large government building, and I will sometimes bump into him in the cafeteria. If his demeanor changed when I got there, then I'd be concerned. But generally, if we see each other and have time, we would join in the conversation.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 work colleagues that go to lunch just with each other, always manage to arrange work lunch meetings and after work meetings to discuss their work, and are quick to announce to everyone about their project deadlines and long hours.

I picked June 15 for the day this blows up, with the bonus point option for his wife finding out first and the double bonus for her coming into the office and making a scene.
Now my colleague thinks they are doing a fairly good job at making it very logical and work related, has assessed the number of spouse pictures on their respective desks and is thinking this will go all the way to the holidays and has picked November 25, but thinks it's the other wife and for the double bonus points thinks it will be a sudden change of job type ending.
So we all just roll our eyes and nod along with the blocked out lunches for meetings on their planners.

[Anonymous]

Oh good grief Charlie Brown.

[Anonymous]

She's your friend, OP. You are allowed to have friends, of any gender. So does your wife, and everyone of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 work colleagues that go to lunch just with each other, always manage to arrange work lunch meetings and after work meetings to discuss their work, and are quick to announce to everyone about their project deadlines and long hours.

I picked June 15 for the day this blows up, with the bonus point option for his wife finding out first and the double bonus for her coming into the office and making a scene.
Now my colleague thinks they are doing a fairly good job at making it very logical and work related, has assessed the number of spouse pictures on their respective desks and is thinking this will go all the way to the holidays and has picked November 25, but thinks it's the other wife and for the double bonus points thinks it will be a sudden change of job type ending.
So we all just roll our eyes and nod along with the blocked out lunches for meetings on their planners.

Hilarious!

[Anonymous]

I totally understand this issue, OP.

I am a 40 year old married man, conventionally attractive for what it's worth. I am totally comfortable with women, treat them as equals of course. Yes, there are times when there are invitations for one on one networking lunches, drinks. And despite all the rhetoric in the world, there is still a slight bit of tension when its an attractive woman on the other side of the table.

Of course I tell my wife I am going to a happy hour with larla which always leads to that uncomfortable question of "who is larla" and I am sure a curious look-up of the professional website showing larla as a beautiful woman.

So on one hand, I agree with a lot of women that its sexist bullshit that women can't have these networking lunches as men would. But I also am cognizant that there is an element of flirtation and on occasion some "fun" but harmless sexual tension.

And yes, I am totally cool with my wife being on the other side of the table with an attractive man, flirtation and all. It's good for business, I trust her, and if she gets an energy from him, all cool as long as she brings it home to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 work colleagues that go to lunch just with each other, always manage to arrange work lunch meetings and after work meetings to discuss their work, and are quick to announce to everyone about their project deadlines and long hours.

I picked June 15 for the day this blows up, with the bonus point option for his wife finding out first and the double bonus for her coming into the office and making a scene.
Now my colleague thinks they are doing a fairly good job at making it very logical and work related, has assessed the number of spouse pictures on their respective desks and is thinking this will go all the way to the holidays and has picked November 25, but thinks it's the other wife and for the double bonus points thinks it will be a sudden change of job type ending.
So we all just roll our eyes and nod along with the blocked out lunches for meetings on their planners.

Hilarious!

I can put you in the pool if you want to pick a date and bonus/double bonus options! There is no real prize, just being able to shout "I told you so" is all this group really needs.
The months of June and July are open, that is when they typically take family vacations for up to 2 weeks and my thought was that they would get
caught by being unable to stop texting and sending bikini/trunk selfies to each other. The bonus for the first wife finding out (simply because she's pale and would seem like the type to spend more time inside snooping) and double bonus for sending the sexts to our entire team.
I'm just going to put you down for that, is that ok?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's inappropriate, as long as there's no funny business going on. I work in big law, and attorneys go to lunch withe each other frequently. (The attorney at my firm who was taking his secretary to "lunch" at the Watergate and ended up getting her pregnant is excluded from the above statement)

[Anonymous]

DW goes to lunch with male colleagues all the time. And she travels and goes to dinner or drinks with male clients and colleagues. What's the big deal?