Married man going to lunch with single female inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

Woman here. 3-4 times a year is fine and I wouldn't think anything of it. If you feel uncomfortable, invite another coworker friend to come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I'll be the other side. My husband had a co-worker that he saw when he travelled to her city 3-4 times per year. She was always very friendly and welcoming and would bring him lunch, coffee "since you're traveling" kind of thing and keep in touch between trips. No big deal.

Until she showed up at his hotel sauna in a bikini after he mentioned he was going to work out before dinner.
Thankfully he is a nerd and turned around so fast he walked into the glass door and had to regain his balance awkwardly before opening it and walking away.

So you sometimes don't really know what the other person's intentions are, but you can only be in charge of your reactions and intentions.

In hindsight, this woman was overly welcoming and involved since she didn't really deal with him directly and it wasn't her role to have lunch meetings with him, etc.

So a couple things:
Are these work related at all?
Is she single?
Is the conversation more work than social?
Does she try to get you to talk about your wife or talk about her dating life/relationship?

From your questions at the end, it appears you believe a man should not go to lunch with a woman unless she is single and it is work related. And they should not talk about their social lives or his wife. Is that right?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, unless she is MARRIED!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I'll be the other side. My husband had a co-worker that he saw when he travelled to her city 3-4 times per year. She was always very friendly and welcoming and would bring him lunch, coffee "since you're traveling" kind of thing and keep in touch between trips. No big deal.

Until she showed up at his hotel sauna in a bikini after he mentioned he was going to work out before dinner.
Thankfully he is a nerd and turned around so fast he walked into the glass door and had to regain his balance awkwardly before opening it and walking away.

So you sometimes don't really know what the other person's intentions are, but you can only be in charge of your reactions and intentions.

In hindsight, this woman was overly welcoming and involved since she didn't really deal with him directly and it wasn't her role to have lunch meetings with him, etc.

So a couple things:
Are these work related at all?
Is she single?
Is the conversation more work than social?
Does she try to get you to talk about your wife or talk about her dating life/relationship?

From your questions at the end, it appears you believe a man should not go to lunch with a woman unless she is single and it is work related. And they should not talk about their social lives or his wife. Is that right?

?
No idea how you came to that conclusion. Sorry!

[Anonymous]

It's fine. It is unlikely she is interested unless she has done something else to express that. If you are having trouble keeping things separate though then you should stop.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Conversations mostly not about work. She is single, but has BF sorts of. She not too interested in talking about wife, but I always bring up wife, kids, etc. She brings up her dating life sometimes. She is a good person but I don't want to send wrong signals or encourage he in any way.

[Anonymous]

3-4 times a year is ok

does your wife know about it?

[Anonymous]

Another married woman professional. Throughout my career, I have grabbed lunch with men I've worked with, some married, some single. Nothing remotely inappropriate has happened, even in my mind. We talk about work, politics, our families. Who cares? Not DH, who trusts me. And what is going to happen? Steamy passionate sex while walking to lunch in the middle of the sidewalk? Or maybe we tear our clothes off in the middle or the restaurant? As long as "lunch" isn't room service in a hotel, I just don't see the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Conversations mostly not about work. She is single, but has BF sorts of. She not too interested in talking about wife, but I always bring up wife, kids, etc. She brings up her dating life sometimes. She is a good person but I don't want to send wrong signals or encourage he in any way.

Going to lunch with someone is not encouraging anything other than you like going to lunch with the person. Perhaps you're the one with the problem if you haven't told your wife about this. Are you secretly hoping she has a crush on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a happily married man. Over the last year or so I have been going to lunch with a female colleague, 3 to 4 times a year. We are about the same age, in our mid 40s. She is well aware that I'm happily married but does not seem to be bothered by it. Truth is that I do find her attractive but no way I would do anything inappropriate. I enjoy her company and we talk about work, life, etc. I have never cheated on my wife of over 20 years, either emotionally or physically and I don't ever plan to. Do you think it is inappropriate for me to continue having the occasional lunch with her? Also, do you think she may be interested in me romantically even though she is aware about my situation? I would appreciate a lady's perspective on this. If she sees me as a good friend, then it may not be too risky to continue. If not, then probably best to stop. I have not discussed with my wife yet.

Yep it's inappropriate and you know it.
Do you share with your wife that you have lunches with this woman? Does your wife know her even?
How would your wife feel when she learns of the lunch dates? That's what will tell you what you've really been doing here.
If your kids saw you out to lunch with this woman what would you tell them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Conversations mostly not about work. She is single, but has BF sorts of. She not too interested in talking about wife, but I always bring up wife, kids, etc. She brings up her dating life sometimes. She is a good person but I don't want to send wrong signals or encourage he in any way.

Here's my gauge:
If you could video tape the entire outing and show it to your wife, your mom, have it played on the Oprah Winfrey show and a transcript on the front page of the NY Post, you're good. Not that you would, but for the hypothetical "is this ok"
Seriously.
You can't control her intent, her thoughts, what she thinks about, but you can make sure you are acting as a father and husband should and with respect to yourself and your marriage. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Your post makes me thing you have a thing for her lol. You day this has been going on for a year, why get concerned now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I guess most women would not go out to lunch with a married man alone multiple times unless they had romantic intentions.

This is a shitty, sexist thing to say. If she was male, you wouldn't suspect attraction. You would just assume you were buddies. Women are allowed to engage in friendships with men without having ulterior motives. Maybe you should leave her alone for her own good.

Spare your shitty, judgmental attitude. Outside the issue of him being married, that's the attitude men must have if they ever want to have sex because, unlike women, we don't have the luxury of sitting on our fat little asses and waiting for people to proposition us for sex.

I'm sorry, WTF are you even trying to say? That men need to assume women who have lunch with them want sex because...otherwise men won't ever get sex? You don't even make sense.

[Anonymous]

How much do you talk about work, vs. other things? Are you co-equals work wise? If so, this isn't necessarily any different than grabbing lunch with your male colleague. If you aren't really talking about work, but using that as an excuse to go have lunch, then maybe this is something to think about.
As a 40-something single woman I can promise you it is possible she is interested just in your work mind. I have lunch with married male colleagues all the time. But we are clearly discussing our jobs - not to say 'life' never comes up as a topic, but that's because we are dedicated professionals for whom work is part of every aspect of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Woman professional here, once every 3-4 months is not frequent enough, smells platonic.