How to deal with this situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I think you handled it well OP. It's good for the teacher to know she is basically teased at school for something that was already painful. I like that there will be a reminder to parents and I'm glad you didn't confront the parents. No point. I am fine with my kids not being invited, but if kids called them party crashers at school and they were upset by it, I'd say something to the teacher too. Plus, it's so simple. Invite all kids of the same gender if over 75% are invited. You certainly don't invite almost all the kids except a few. Basic manners.

The teacher should be capable of addressing class issues i class. Having mom call isn't helping.

Neither is this 75% rule. OP's daughter is not in kindergarten she's 11 in middle school or will soon be it's time she starts to learn to deal with these things.


Do you think the 75% rule is followed in high school?

Actually, letting the teacher know is important. Most teachers notice most things, but they can't catch everything. Giving them a heads every now and then is usually appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, everyone. I left a message with DD's teacher and hope to speak with her tonight. I am also going to say something to the girl's mom, since a PP was right that it's a bit strange for just two girls to be excluded and I am curious why.

I am sure she will get over this in time, just sucks in the moment. I made some plans for a few of DD's friends to come over this weekend and we will do something fun, hopefully that will help.

I don't know that I would do this, OP. I mean this as gently as possible, but what do you stand to gain. The parents must have been aware that they were excluding two girls. Is doesn't take much empathy to realize how hurtful this is. They just didn't care. Confronting someone like that isn't worth your time. What possible explanation can they give?

Yes, don't speak to the party parent. Its actually none of your business who they chose to invite or not to their kids parties. You could find that approach blows up in your face and upsets you even more. Best leave that alone.

I would not speak to the party parent unless the birthday kid herself is one of the kids doing the "party crasher" teasing. If that's the case, then I would only address the teasing and not the fact that your DD wasn't invited to the party. I would not ask, "Is something going on" or "Is there some reason DD and the one other girl weren't invited" etc. but would just note that the party crasher talk is going on and that your child and DH were at the rink by accident but she's taking it hard.

It's interesting to me that some PPs here are blithely saying, "Change schools!" as if that were easy or as if this merited such a drastic reaction. It doesn't. It's unfortunate but it's kid drama. The part that is toughest for your DD, though, is that because she is in a small class it is all blown way out of proportion -- if this occurred in a larger class in a larger school, it would be over sooner.
Just know that if this is the kind of school where the kids will be with the same group of kids year after year because there's only a class or two per grade, then this kind of thing takes on a larger, longer life than it would in a bigger setting. It's not a reason to change schools but is a reason to keep lines of communication open and to work with teachers, counselor etc. on general behavior -- counselors should be doing lessons on how to treat others and teachers should be tuned in to students' behavior so they can nip rudeness in the bud.

[Anonymous]

I agree about talking to the guidance counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The easiest way to diffuse the teasing is to be able to laugh at it, or make jokes. I'm not saying she can do this. I personally suck at it. But it is a good skill to have. Is there any way she can at least fake laughing it off in front of friends?

"Oh you're just mad that you got busted. Wait til you see how I crash laser-tag parties!"

Exactly! Humor is best. This is a good line. Or throw in, "if you want a private party, you can't have it at a public place. DUH" . or a kinder, "Oh I just like skating. Do you go there often?" She'll need to role play to try a few lines out and see what works for her. She can DO THIS! Practice in front of the mirror. This is a horrible situation but an opportunity to learn some serious coping skills that will serve her well.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

NP and only read first couple of responses. Have you talked to the grade or classroom teacher(s) about how they think it could be handled and maybe what conversations if any the whole class could have about teasing? Even though I understand it hasn't risen to "bullying" yet, what is the school's bullying approach and are there any conversations abotu mean girls or cliques or leaving people out or treating each other with kindness that the school can do or build upon?

I know your DD would be mortified if this specific situation was highlighted any more than it is, but I absolutely believe in engaging kids in conversations that help them think about their own behavior and how they'd feel if certain things happened, like making your own plans for a weekend with your parents having no idea a party was going on. I'm an educator so this is just how I'd think, but I'd think up several scenarios and have the kids go into smaller groups and act out parts and then switch scenarios so everyone is both the victim of being left out and teased, and is also the teaser. Maybe even have a 3rd role in each scenario where there's an observer/witness, and engage the class in how each person did react, how it felt, and then in how they SHOULD have reacted. And end with a commitment they'll each make to being more thoughtful and kind to their fellow classmates, especially someone they aren't friends with or close to.

That's very specific and detailed, but you ask how we'd each handle it, and that's what I'd do.