How to deal with this situation

[Anonymous]

We live in Chicago now (have been there for 2 years), but I would love advice on how to handle this situation with my 9yo DD.

Over the weekend DH took her to a local ice skating rink as a fun daddy daughter activity. Well, they got there and quickly realized that one of the girls in DD's class was having a birthday party and DD hadn't been invited. Fine, it happens and after a certain age not everyone is invited to all parties. However, DD goes to a small private school and there are only 20 kids in her class, and according to her she and one other girl were the only ones who weren't there/invited (since all of her other "friends" were there supposedly). What made it worse is that one of the boys apparently came up to her and asked what she was doing there - so I guess he knew she wasn't invited somehow? DD got upset and they ended up leaving, and despite the fact that we explained that people can't always invite everyone to a party, and that she can be sad but she has some really great friends of her own, so not to dwell on this. The birthday girl isn't one of her best friends, but they do play every once in a while and have never had an issue seemingly. I am fairly friendly with her mom, but not close enough to say something without it being awkward.

DD seemed kind of down the rest of the day, and this morning she woke up saying she was sick and didn't want to go to school. Clearly she was faking so we sent her, and by 10am we got a call from the nurse saying she was there and upset. We picked her up and she said people were teasing her for being a party crasher and she doesn't want to go back to school anymore.

Clearly we are not pulling her out of school over this, but is there anything more we can do to help her come to terms with this? It's really horrible to be excluded and I know that's life, but it's just really tough at this age.

[Anonymous]

What on earth do you think you can do? Teach her to deal.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is much you can do, but it is really awkward. I'm sure it's hard for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any words to help, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that some kids are such hurtful little assholes.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, not being invited was bad enough but being teased and called a party crasher makes it even worse! You have my sympathy. I think the only thing that can be done here is to ignore it and downplay it and wait until the next "scandal" comes along. This won't be a big deal forever, the kids will move on.
It does suck in the meantime though.

[Anonymous]

Not much you can do about that particular situation, but why not let her have a slumber party to get closer to some of her friends?

[Anonymous]

What a nightmare, especially the part about being a party crasher. I would talk to the teacher, principal, and others about how things are going socially. I think I would also talk to the parent. If the answers are not satisfactory, it's time to find another school.

[Anonymous]

Hey, it'll only get better at New Trier (or wherever).Oh wait. It won't. These people sound awful.

[Anonymous]

The easiest way to diffuse the teasing is to be able to laugh at it, or make jokes. I'm not saying she can do this. I personally suck at it. But it is a good skill to have. Is there any way she can at least fake laughing it off in front of friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a nightmare, especially the part about being a party crasher. I would talk to the teacher, principal, and others about how things are going socially. I think I would also talk to the parent. If the answers are not satisfactory, it's time to find another school.

I agree that it's appropriate to talk to the teacher about the kids teasing her and calling her a party crasher. As for not being invited in the first place, I think that depends. If she was really one of only a few kids not invited, I would try to figure out why. There's a mom in our small private school who complains/makes a stink to the school whenever her kid isn't invited to something. But what the mom doesn't seem to realize is that her kid isn't invited because her kid is a jerk. I'm not saying your DD is a jerk, but this would make me wonder what's going on with my kid socially and I'd try to get to the bottom of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any words to help, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that some kids are such hurtful little assholes.

+1

[Anonymous]

You throw a special party for your daughter and the other girl making sure the other little snots know about it.

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry that happened. My daughter and one other girl were the only two not invited to a spa sleepover party around that age. I was furious. We don't do birthday parties every year, but when we do, we invite every girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any words to help, but just wanted to say I'm sorry that some kids are such hurtful little assholes.

+1

Yeah, me too. Its one thing to have an upper number limit at a party, its quite another to tease about "crashing" a party which clearly wasn't the case.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your daughter. That's a painful experience. I agree, tell the teacher, who hopeful will be able to lecture those little sh*ts about kindness and doing unto others. Not much hope for the parents, who probably taught them this behavior.