OW how do you feel knowing he will never leave her for you?

[Anonymous]

All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

PP, Why don't you get a divorce?

At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend to OW, who obviously is a snobby, self-righteous, pretentious b*tch, but you're not helping your marriage by giving her an ego boost with thinly veiled rage.

Put your rage on your husband, who deserves it. You're not doing it now. If you really need to get it out of your system, go ahead and call AP's husband and let her feel the turmoil you're feeling, but be careful. You never knows who has a gun collection in the DMV, and AP's husband could well be a raging psycho who knows all about her affairs and either doesn't care, puts up with it or has his own affairs.

The point is that these threads are victim-driven. I had the constant litany of "go into therapy," but many posters need it. Others simply need to divorce and move on with their lives.

Starting threads like this all the time makes you sound crazy.

[Anonymous]

This is why I would never stay with a cheater. Staying with someone who makes you bitter and miserable just isn't worth it. I'd tell him to pack his stuff and go on with his mistress and then go seek a fresh start for yourself. I know someone who was left for another woman and she said it turned out to be one of the best things to happen and is happily remarried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

PP, Why don't you get a divorce?

At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend to OW, who obviously is a snobby, self-righteous, pretentious b*tch, but you're not helping your marriage by giving her an ego boost with thinly veiled rage.

Put your rage on your husband, who deserves it. You're not doing it now. If you really need to get it out of your system, go ahead and call AP's husband and let her feel the turmoil you're feeling, but be careful. You never knows who has a gun collection in the DMV, and AP's husband could well be a raging psycho who knows all about her affairs and either doesn't care, puts up with it or has his own affairs.

The point is that these threads are victim-driven. I had the constant litany of "go into therapy," but many posters need it. Others simply need to divorce and move on with their lives.

Starting threads like this all the time makes you sound crazy.

I'm the PP. I am not friends with the woman. She worked with my husband and I have met her several times back when I didn't know she was a mistress. I haven't interacted with her since I found out.

Why am I not divorcing? I don't know if I won't yet. I found out about this whole situation about nine months ago and I really want to get through it because I have small children and, though it sounds insane, I still love my husband. I am trying to get past this, and I don't want to have rage towards anyone. I actually don't want to feel anything towards the OW. I am mostly upset that I am the one who is dealing with the negatives of their relationship most of all, yet I was not the one who did it. So, I am trying not to be bitter, because it is unhelpful. My advice to OP is the same - it is not helpful to wallow in the hellish stuff that has happened.

And yes, I am in therapy. But this is hard stuff. I always thought I would leave if my husband cheated on me, but turns out is so much more complex. He, along with my kids, is my family. And that's a very big deal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

I see this from another perspective. I have 3 good friends that were OW. They are all very damaged and sad people on the inside. I am friends with them because they are also sometime awesome friends. Nobody is perfect. I don't forgive them for the pain they have caused themself, their husbands and their children but I have empathy.

Your bitterness will slowly wash away if you look at the person with compassion (not pity) and realize that you were given something when you were created, raised, etc that this person did not get.

They fool themselves, lie to themselves and say... "but I have this under control", "I can walk away any time", "this is just for fun" ... but it is no different than being an addict, trying to self medicate the awful away.

Just thank god (or whoever) you have all the tools to be who you are ... and don't worry about who she is. I have seen it a million times... (just 3 friends, but more that are not friends).... the cards come crumbling down and it is not pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you talking about? Husbands leave all the time.

They rarely leave for the OW.

It's really not rare.

5%

Where did you find that number?

If you read Shirley Glass she has the study in her book. I did not memorize the name of the study.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

PP, Why don't you get a divorce?

At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend to OW, who obviously is a snobby, self-righteous, pretentious b*tch, but you're not helping your marriage by giving her an ego boost with thinly veiled rage.

Put your rage on your husband, who deserves it. You're not doing it now. If you really need to get it out of your system, go ahead and call AP's husband and let her feel the turmoil you're feeling, but be careful. You never knows who has a gun collection in the DMV, and AP's husband could well be a raging psycho who knows all about her affairs and either doesn't care, puts up with it or has his own affairs.

The point is that these threads are victim-driven. I had the constant litany of "go into therapy," but many posters need it. Others simply need to divorce and move on with their lives.

Starting threads like this all the time makes you sound crazy.

I'm the PP. I am not friends with the woman. She worked with my husband and I have met her several times back when I didn't know she was a mistress. I haven't interacted with her since I found out.

Why am I not divorcing? I don't know if I won't yet. I found out about this whole situation about nine months ago and I really want to get through it because I have small children and, though it sounds insane, I still love my husband. I am trying to get past this, and I don't want to have rage towards anyone. I actually don't want to feel anything towards the OW. I am mostly upset that I am the one who is dealing with the negatives of their relationship most of all, yet I was not the one who did it. So, I am trying not to be bitter, because it is unhelpful. My advice to OP is the same - it is not helpful to wallow in the hellish stuff that has happened.

And yes, I am in therapy. But this is hard stuff. I always thought I would leave if my husband cheated on me, but turns out is so much more complex. He, along with my kids, is my family. And that's a very big deal to me.

I wish you the best of luck PP. This is rough stuff you are dealing with but it sounds like you are doing the best you can. I hope you find peace soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will never get to retire with him to that nice big home on the water. Nope you'll be stuck in your apartment by yourself. Old. Alone and with a cat, watching Bravo. He'll never have kids with you, so no one to visit you at the nursing home. And as your looks fade it will become harder for you to keep pulling that stunt. And he'll dump you first and then no one will come knocking. Oh how sad it will be.

In my case it has more to do with my kids than anything else. And my AP feels the same about her kids and understands. It is difficult not spending holidays, vacations and other experiences with the person that I truely love. My situation is not normal... But my experience with my AP has added so
Much joy to what was a lonely life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

PP, Why don't you get a divorce?

At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend to OW, who obviously is a snobby, self-righteous, pretentious b*tch, but you're not helping your marriage by giving her an ego boost with thinly veiled rage.

Put your rage on your husband, who deserves it. You're not doing it now. If you really need to get it out of your system, go ahead and call AP's husband and let her feel the turmoil you're feeling, but be careful. You never knows who has a gun collection in the DMV, and AP's husband could well be a raging psycho who knows all about her affairs and either doesn't care, puts up with it or has his own affairs.

The point is that these threads are victim-driven. I had the constant litany of "go into therapy," but many posters need it. Others simply need to divorce and move on with their lives.

Starting threads like this all the time makes you sound crazy.

I'm the PP. I am not friends with the woman. She worked with my husband and I have met her several times back when I didn't know she was a mistress. I haven't interacted with her since I found out.

Why am I not divorcing? I don't know if I won't yet. I found out about this whole situation about nine months ago and I really want to get through it because I have small children and, though it sounds insane, I still love my husband. I am trying to get past this, and I don't want to have rage towards anyone. I actually don't want to feel anything towards the OW. I am mostly upset that I am the one who is dealing with the negatives of their relationship most of all, yet I was not the one who did it. So, I am trying not to be bitter, because it is unhelpful. My advice to OP is the same - it is not helpful to wallow in the hellish stuff that has happened.

And yes, I am in therapy. But this is hard stuff. I always thought I would leave if my husband cheated on me, but turns out is so much more complex. He, along with my kids, is my family. And that's a very big deal to me.

You know, I frankly think it isn't fair that you have to deal with this emotional fallout. I think you should tell the OW's husband. I've been reading a site called chump lady who basically thinks reconciliation after cheating is impossible. I'm not sure I'd go that far but she's very hard on cheaters and APs and it's fun to read.

[Anonymous]

Telling the other woman's husband doesn't reduce that PP's emotional burden though. It doesn't lessen her hurt or pain. And it would probably unleash a torrent of drama that someone already grappling with a lot of stuff simply doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling the other woman's husband doesn't reduce that PP's emotional burden though. It doesn't lessen her hurt or pain. And it would probably unleash a torrent of drama that someone already grappling with a lot of stuff simply doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with.

Maybe she doesn't want the situation to explode and become more public, like at their church. She may want to protect her children from embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Telling the other woman's husband doesn't reduce that PP's emotional burden though. It doesn't lessen her hurt or pain. And it would probably unleash a torrent of drama that someone already grappling with a lot of stuff simply doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with.

Maybe she doesn't want the situation to explode and become more public, like at their church. She may want to protect her children from embarrassment.

Yeah, I see what you mean. It still seems unfair that she hasn't suffered consequences though. Regardless, I'm sorry for everyone who's going/gone through this.

[Anonymous]

I was an OW until he left her for me. He walked away from everything to start a more modest life with me.

So, it happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was an OW until he left her for me. He walked away from everything to start a more modest life with me.

So, it happens.

This is rare. Check out the statistics. Most men just want a whore to fuck. When women have an affair, they are generally checked out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of this is sad. I get the OP's bitterness because my husband had a mistress for around nine months. I definitely do not like her and think she is not morally upstanding. She is married with three kids. I have not outed her, even though she is a raging hypocrite who is very involved in church and claims to be this amazing mom (who "worked" overnights with my husband for months, but somehow she is mother of the year). I haven't outed her because I just cannot deal with one more bit of hell from this and I need to try to put it behind me. So, I have bitterness, obviously, and it is unfair that I am the one suffering while she just glides along without having to deal with the wreckage she and my husband caused. So, I completely understand where the OP is coming from.

BUT, OP seems like she is trying to prop herself up by putting this other woman down. Not that I'm against putting the OW down, but that won't make OP feel better. Best thing is to try to get past it because life, unfortunately, is unfair and hating the OW won't make OP move on.

I also don't seem to get the people who out everything on the cheating spouse and not the other person. Believe me, I blame my husband and what he has done is utterly terrible. But why does that let the other woman off the hook? It takes two to tango, as they say, and while she did not say vows to me, there is a basic social contract that you should respect socially founded boundaries.

PP, Why don't you get a divorce?

At the very least, stop pretending to be a friend to OW, who obviously is a snobby, self-righteous, pretentious b*tch, but you're not helping your marriage by giving her an ego boost with thinly veiled rage.

Put your rage on your husband, who deserves it. You're not doing it now. If you really need to get it out of your system, go ahead and call AP's husband and let her feel the turmoil you're feeling, but be careful. You never knows who has a gun collection in the DMV, and AP's husband could well be a raging psycho who knows all about her affairs and either doesn't care, puts up with it or has his own affairs.

The point is that these threads are victim-driven. I had the constant litany of "go into therapy," but many posters need it. Others simply need to divorce and move on with their lives.

Starting threads like this all the time makes you sound crazy.

I'm the PP. I am not friends with the woman. She worked with my husband and I have met her several times back when I didn't know she was a mistress. I haven't interacted with her since I found out.

Why am I not divorcing? I don't know if I won't yet. I found out about this whole situation about nine months ago and I really want to get through it because I have small children and, though it sounds insane, I still love my husband. I am trying to get past this, and I don't want to have rage towards anyone. I actually don't want to feel anything towards the OW. I am mostly upset that I am the one who is dealing with the negatives of their relationship most of all, yet I was not the one who did it. So, I am trying not to be bitter, because it is unhelpful. My advice to OP is the same - it is not helpful to wallow in the hellish stuff that has happened.

And yes, I am in therapy. But this is hard stuff. I always thought I would leave if my husband cheated on me, but turns out is so much more complex. He, along with my kids, is my family. And that's a very big deal to me.

You know, I frankly think it isn't fair that you have to deal with this emotional fallout. I think you should tell the OW's husband. I've been reading a site called chump lady who basically thinks reconciliation after cheating is impossible. I'm not sure I'd go that far but she's very hard on cheaters and APs and it's fun to read.

Wow, wish I had found that (chump lady) site years ago... might have been the kick in the pants I needed to get on with my life and not stay with a cheater.