Do we all hate spending time with our in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws also want to spend every second with us. If you get up to use the bathroom they might comment that you just went two hours ago. MIL is a huge control freak. She tries to pick where everyone sits (and my seat in the living area doesn't face the tv so I can't even zone out on that unless I get up and argue that I'm going to sit on the floor). We aren't allowed to even grab a glass of water without asking permission, and she often says no. There's no guest bedroom (we sleep in the living room on a pull out couch) so thus no escape. When we tried to stay in a hotel she absolutely LOST it. Holidays are the worst. On the bright side, my kids don't seem to notice her quirks and absolutely love MIL.

Whaaat?? Who are these people that would deny you the ability to get a glass of water? I'd be bringing a 24-pack of Poland Springs with me

PP here -- I do, now! There's always a bottle of water in my purse for our visits. Sad, but true.

I have so many questions. What justification do they give? Or do they just say "no" when asked for water? What would they do if you got up and got a glass yourself? What if you move your chair to see the TV?

Are they nice to you aside from this, or is their crazy control freakiness a symptom of hating you and wanting to make your life miserable?

Does DH recognize how odd it is? Does it bother him? Were they always like that?

They're very nice, actually, just strange. MIL has answered requests for water with "we're eating in an hour, you can get a drink then." As for getting up and getting it myself, she'd say she isn't comfortable with people in her kitchen (which is true). DH was never allowed to get himself a snack when growing up. He always had to ask and his mom would get it for him. Same today. DH knows it's odd but it doesn't really bother him. As for moving the chair, I wouldn't try because it's a heavy chair and wood floors. I've pointed out that I can't see the tv and they've shrugged. A lot of things go in one ear and out the other for them. Now that we have kids, we bring our own bag of snacks so that helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws also want to spend every second with us. If you get up to use the bathroom they might comment that you just went two hours ago. MIL is a huge control freak. She tries to pick where everyone sits (and my seat in the living area doesn't face the tv so I can't even zone out on that unless I get up and argue that I'm going to sit on the floor). We aren't allowed to even grab a glass of water without asking permission, and she often says no. There's no guest bedroom (we sleep in the living room on a pull out couch) so thus no escape. When we tried to stay in a hotel she absolutely LOST it. Holidays are the worst. On the bright side, my kids don't seem to notice her quirks and absolutely love MIL.

I'm having a hard time imagining what this looks like. You're all just lounging around the living room, some one gets up to refill a glass of water, and MIL says "where do you think you're going?" as if that person can be ordered around like some kind of servant? Is your MIL otherwise kind & welcoming, but just socially super awkward and controlling out of untreated anxiety? I think I'd have a hard time not being snarky & rude, ie "I'm sorry, I thought I was an autonomous person, free to determine and fulfill my basic bodily needs, but if this a hardship assignment, I'll be sure to pack differently next time" and I would put my foot down on staying at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws also want to spend every second with us. If you get up to use the bathroom they might comment that you just went two hours ago. MIL is a huge control freak. She tries to pick where everyone sits (and my seat in the living area doesn't face the tv so I can't even zone out on that unless I get up and argue that I'm going to sit on the floor). We aren't allowed to even grab a glass of water without asking permission, and she often says no. There's no guest bedroom (we sleep in the living room on a pull out couch) so thus no escape. When we tried to stay in a hotel she absolutely LOST it. Holidays are the worst. On the bright side, my kids don't seem to notice her quirks and absolutely love MIL.

I'm having a hard time imagining what this looks like. You're all just lounging around the living room, some one gets up to refill a glass of water, and MIL says "where do you think you're going?" as if that person can be ordered around like some kind of servant? Is your MIL otherwise kind & welcoming, but just socially super awkward and controlling out of untreated anxiety? I think I'd have a hard time not being snarky & rude, ie "I'm sorry, I thought I was an autonomous person, free to determine and fulfill my basic bodily needs, but if this a hardship assignment, I'll be sure to pack differently next time" and I would put my foot down on staying at a hotel.

Hotel. And when they whine about it, "In a hotel, I am free to get a glass of water, and can sit in a spot where I can see the TV."

[Anonymous]

No, I enjoy spending time with my in-laws. I guess I got lucky that way.

On the other hand, my family drives me nuts. Can't spend very long at my parents' house before I need a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws also want to spend every second with us. If you get up to use the bathroom they might comment that you just went two hours ago. MIL is a huge control freak. She tries to pick where everyone sits (and my seat in the living area doesn't face the tv so I can't even zone out on that unless I get up and argue that I'm going to sit on the floor). We aren't allowed to even grab a glass of water without asking permission, and she often says no. There's no guest bedroom (we sleep in the living room on a pull out couch) so thus no escape. When we tried to stay in a hotel she absolutely LOST it. Holidays are the worst. On the bright side, my kids don't seem to notice her quirks and absolutely love MIL.

Whaaat?? Who are these people that would deny you the ability to get a glass of water? I'd be bringing a 24-pack of Poland Springs with me

PP here -- I do, now! There's always a bottle of water in my purse for our visits. Sad, but true.

I have so many questions. What justification do they give? Or do they just say "no" when asked for water? What would they do if you got up and got a glass yourself? What if you move your chair to see the TV?

Are they nice to you aside from this, or is their crazy control freakiness a symptom of hating you and wanting to make your life miserable?

Does DH recognize how odd it is? Does it bother him? Were they always like that?

They're very nice, actually, just strange. MIL has answered requests for water with "we're eating in an hour, you can get a drink then." As for getting up and getting it myself, she'd say she isn't comfortable with people in her kitchen (which is true). DH was never allowed to get himself a snack when growing up. He always had to ask and his mom would get it for him. Same today. DH knows it's odd but it doesn't really bother him. As for moving the chair, I wouldn't try because it's a heavy chair and wood floors. I've pointed out that I can't see the tv and they've shrugged. A lot of things go in one ear and out the other for them. Now that we have kids, we bring our own bag of snacks so that helps.

What happens if you just... Sit in a different chair? Or tell DH to scooch over and share with him?

[Anonymous]

Alright, I don't want to derail the thread . ILs House rules are food and drink in the kitchen only. MIL doesn't like people in her kitchen period, so if I got up to walk into the kitchen she would ask what I was doing and then sometimes she will insist on getting the water for me and sometimes she will say no because we're eating in an hour.

[Anonymous]

There are four possible places to sit and four total adults, so stealing another chair isn't possible. I've made DH switch with me before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws also want to spend every second with us. If you get up to use the bathroom they might comment that you just went two hours ago. MIL is a huge control freak. She tries to pick where everyone sits (and my seat in the living area doesn't face the tv so I can't even zone out on that unless I get up and argue that I'm going to sit on the floor). We aren't allowed to even grab a glass of water without asking permission, and she often says no. There's no guest bedroom (we sleep in the living room on a pull out couch) so thus no escape. When we tried to stay in a hotel she absolutely LOST it. Holidays are the worst. On the bright side, my kids don't seem to notice her quirks and absolutely love MIL.

Whaaat?? Who are these people that would deny you the ability to get a glass of water? I'd be bringing a 24-pack of Poland Springs with me

PP here -- I do, now! There's always a bottle of water in my purse for our visits. Sad, but true.

I have so many questions. What justification do they give? Or do they just say "no" when asked for water? What would they do if you got up and got a glass yourself? What if you move your chair to see the TV?

Are they nice to you aside from this, or is their crazy control freakiness a symptom of hating you and wanting to make your life miserable?

Does DH recognize how odd it is? Does it bother him? Were they always like that?

They're very nice, actually, just strange. MIL has answered requests for water with "we're eating in an hour, you can get a drink then." As for getting up and getting it myself, she'd say she isn't comfortable with people in her kitchen (which is true). DH was never allowed to get himself a snack when growing up. He always had to ask and his mom would get it for him. Same today. DH knows it's odd but it doesn't really bother him. As for moving the chair, I wouldn't try because it's a heavy chair and wood floors. I've pointed out that I can't see the tv and they've shrugged. A lot of things go in one ear and out the other for them. Now that we have kids, we bring our own bag of snacks so that helps.

Um, I think I would be packing an entire cooler of my own food and just plunk it down right in the middle of the living room - making it rather obvious that this kitchen policy wasn't family friendly for us. I'd also lug around a giant jug of water.

[Anonymous]

Well, PP, you officially win the crazy in laws award! Maybe you should start an AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no personal issue with the in-laws. They're nice enough and they love spending time with our kids. I just hate having house guests and they stay too long. After 2-3 days of having to feed and entertain people morning, noon, and night, and trying to keep the house respectably clean, I'm ready for the funny farm. Did I mention that I can't even relax after the kids go to bed? FIL continues to occupy our time by talking non-stop about people I don't know and things I could not care less about.

Oh, sweetie, this is me, too. They expect to "chat" from the time DD goes to bed at 7:30 until 11 or so. I used to indulge that, but I don't anymore. I talk to them for maybe 45 minutes, and then I say I'm going to go take a shower, read and go to bed. And then I do. I just get up, say goodnight, and walk away. DH stays behind to talk to them, but he's fine with that.

Just do it. Just say you're going to read and go to bed, and do just that!

EXACTLY!! I used to fulfill their expectation that we would sit and drink wine and talk to them (actually listen to their repetitive, self-serving, agenda-laden stories) for hours after dinner every night - excruciating. Now I just don't. Not even for 45 minutes. I do the dishes, sit down for a small glass of wine with them, then excuse myself and go to bed to surf the internet. I grew up and took responsibility for myself. No more resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my inlaws and I love spending time with them. I think it really is about attitude, believing they have the best intentions, letting go of little details and being glad that they are here for my husband and my kids (and me, too!) None of us are offended if someone excuses them self to take a nap or work on a project.

Well if none of my in-laws were offended if someone excuses themselves to take a nap or work on a project, I wouldn't mind spending time with them, either. But that's not the case. I swear to you, if someone leaves the room for more than 5 minutes, my MIL is chirping like a parrot..."Where's Steve? Where's Steve?"

He's taking a dump, OK? We had chili last night.

Maybe your MIL feels lonely in her day-to-day life and therefore likes everyone to be together on those occasions when she does see her family?

Thanks for trying, but no. She has a husband, an active church life, several relatives in her area, etc.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between spending time together and expecting people to spend literally every second together. In my family, we spend a lot of time together during the day, and after kids are in bed, my parents are fine with TV being on, people reading magazines, going to bed, going out to the movies or for a drink, doing whatever. Or even sitting around together, in the same room, but checking your phone and reading a magazine is fine...

With my ILs, you have to sit there and have dedicated "chat time." It is considered extremely rude to peek at your phone, read a magazine, suggest a TV show or movie, etc. They must have your full attention. Which is why conversation is recycled and stale. They tell the same stories, talk about the same people, ask the same questions...and don't even LISTEN to the responses.

OMG this is exactly how my ILs are too. There are some stories they tell every single visit! How they stood up to someone rude in their gym, how someone sought their advice, how they parented in xyz situation, why they are superior. How my MIL skipped dinner for a few months to lose the baby weight. How she is so industrious she does her grocery shopping at 4:30am, and has not slept in - ever - that would be lazy.

[Anonymous]

FIL tells the life story of whoever he met that day in great detail. He wears a hat of DH's alma mater for the express purpose of striking up a conversation with random other alumni, so that he can eventually drop in that his son went there, and his father was v. important there and has buildings named after him (prestigious school). It seems like serendipity, but I have witnessed it so many times. I feel sorry for the hapless alumni, they are being ensnared and set up for the eventual denouement of being informed who FIL and family are and why they should care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright, I don't want to derail the thread . ILs House rules are food and drink in the kitchen only. MIL doesn't like people in her kitchen period, so if I got up to walk into the kitchen she would ask what I was doing and then sometimes she will insist on getting the water for me and sometimes she will say no because we're eating in an hour.

And so you say right back, "I am thirsty now, and will gladly accept a glass of water now, thank you. If i can't have access to water, we will be staying in a hotel next time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are four possible places to sit and four total adults, so stealing another chair isn't possible. I've made DH switch with me before.

Or...JUST DONT SIT WITH THEM. If the television goes on, say, "I can't see the TV from my seat, so I'm going to go read for a bit and go to bed."

Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no personal issue with the in-laws. They're nice enough and they love spending time with our kids. I just hate having house guests and they stay too long. After 2-3 days of having to feed and entertain people morning, noon, and night, and trying to keep the house respectably clean, I'm ready for the funny farm. Did I mention that I can't even relax after the kids go to bed? FIL continues to occupy our time by talking non-stop about people I don't know and things I could not care less about.

Oh, sweetie, this is me, too. They expect to "chat" from the time DD goes to bed at 7:30 until 11 or so. I used to indulge that, but I don't anymore. I talk to them for maybe 45 minutes, and then I say I'm going to go take a shower, read and go to bed. And then I do. I just get up, say goodnight, and walk away. DH stays behind to talk to them, but he's fine with that.

Just do it. Just say you're going to read and go to bed, and do just that!

EXACTLY!! I used to fulfill their expectation that we would sit and drink wine and talk to them (actually listen to their repetitive, self-serving, agenda-laden stories) for hours after dinner every night - excruciating. Now I just don't. Not even for 45 minutes. I do the dishes, sit down for a small glass of wine with them, then excuse myself and go to bed to surf the internet. I grew up and took responsibility for myself. No more resentment.

Ding ding ding ding! This. Be polite, be cordial, be as flexible and giving as you can...but do what you gotta do.