Do we all hate spending time with our in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Hate is a strong word. None of my friends hate their in-laws - or none of them admit it, anyway. Everyone I know appreciates certain aspects of their in-laws and feels stressed about other parts, but overall tries to facilitate family closeness, even with there points of discomfort.

I'm sure my ILs feel the same - there are things I do that I'm sure make them a bit uncomfortable, but they try to be understanding and visa versa. Overall, I'm glad they're visiting and even happier that they're spending time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I love my inlaws and I love spending time with them. I think it really is about attitude, believing they have the best intentions, letting go of little details and being glad that they are here for my husband and my kids (and me, too!) None of us are offended if someone excuses them self to take a nap or work on a project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my inlaws and I love spending time with them. I think it really is about attitude, believing they have the best intentions, letting go of little details and being glad that they are here for my husband and my kids (and me, too!) None of us are offended if someone excuses them self to take a nap or work on a project.

Well if none of my in-laws were offended if someone excuses themselves to take a nap or work on a project, I wouldn't mind spending time with them, either. But that's not the case. I swear to you, if someone leaves the room for more than 5 minutes, my MIL is chirping like a parrot..."Where's Steve? Where's Steve?"

He's taking a dump, OK? We had chili last night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no personal issue with the in-laws. They're nice enough and they love spending time with our kids. I just hate having house guests and they stay too long. After 2-3 days of having to feed and entertain people morning, noon, and night, and trying to keep the house respectably clean, I'm ready for the funny farm. Did I mention that I can't even relax after the kids go to bed? FIL continues to occupy our time by talking non-stop about people I don't know and things I could not care less about.

Oh, sweetie, this is me, too. They expect to "chat" from the time DD goes to bed at 7:30 until 11 or so. I used to indulge that, but I don't anymore. I talk to them for maybe 45 minutes, and then I say I'm going to go take a shower, read and go to bed. And then I do. I just get up, say goodnight, and walk away. DH stays behind to talk to them, but he's fine with that.

Just do it. Just say you're going to read and go to bed, and do just that!

Ugh, yeah, having people who want to talk with you and spend time with you is just the worst!

You don't understand. They do this 16 hours a day for a week at a time. I am not allowed to watch television, use the internet, or read a magazine. If I sit down and start doing something quietly, they take this as a signal that I want to spend the next 2 hours talking about their latest club or hobby. DH responds to this by disappearing and leaving me to my own devices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my inlaws and I love spending time with them. I think it really is about attitude, believing they have the best intentions, letting go of little details and being glad that they are here for my husband and my kids (and me, too!) None of us are offended if someone excuses them self to take a nap or work on a project.

Well if none of my in-laws were offended if someone excuses themselves to take a nap or work on a project, I wouldn't mind spending time with them, either. But that's not the case. I swear to you, if someone leaves the room for more than 5 minutes, my MIL is chirping like a parrot..."Where's Steve? Where's Steve?"

He's taking a dump, OK? We had chili last night.

So true! Thanks for cheering me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my inlaws and I love spending time with them. I think it really is about attitude, believing they have the best intentions, letting go of little details and being glad that they are here for my husband and my kids (and me, too!) None of us are offended if someone excuses them self to take a nap or work on a project.

Well if none of my in-laws were offended if someone excuses themselves to take a nap or work on a project, I wouldn't mind spending time with them, either. But that's not the case. I swear to you, if someone leaves the room for more than 5 minutes, my MIL is chirping like a parrot..."Where's Steve? Where's Steve?"

He's taking a dump, OK? We had chili last night.

Maybe your MIL feels lonely in her day-to-day life and therefore likes everyone to be together on those occasions when she does see her family?

[Anonymous]

It's been a long road with my ILs. My MIL can spout more unsolicited advice in fifteen minutes than my parents give me in a whole year. She doesn't do that anymore, but sometimes I can see the sheer force of will it takes her not to.

Early bedtimes, naps, and visits of no longer that 72 hours, ideally less than 48 hours, are how we do it!

[Anonymous]

I will take an extended visit from my in-laws a thousand times over one from my parents. They are so much less drama. There are no pointed questions, no unsolicited advice, no bickering, no unreasonable expectations, no guilt trips. Yeah, I definitely won the in-law lottery, my husband on the other hand did not.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are ok; really nice people.

My own parents, whew, hard to deal with and very controlling. That MIL who won't let people out of her sight for 5 minutes to use the bathroom (etc...) is not just lonely, she's super controlling too--which is probably why she is lonely.

[Anonymous]

I don't hate my MIL. I just have a long memory of how she schemed and succeeded to cut my mom, dad, and sister out of every holiday for the first several years of my marriage. When I caught on to her and called her out on it. As a result of her BS, I don't have much motivation to go out of my way to see her. And talk about boundaries. She desperately wanted to be in the delivery room when our child was born and I did not want her there. I finally had to say, "I get to say who sees my vagina and you aren't on that list." Not even kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my inlaws and I love spending time with them. I think it really is about attitude, believing they have the best intentions, letting go of little details and being glad that they are here for my husband and my kids (and me, too!) None of us are offended if someone excuses them self to take a nap or work on a project.

Well if none of my in-laws were offended if someone excuses themselves to take a nap or work on a project, I wouldn't mind spending time with them, either. But that's not the case. I swear to you, if someone leaves the room for more than 5 minutes, my MIL is chirping like a parrot..."Where's Steve? Where's Steve?"

He's taking a dump, OK? We had chili last night.

Maybe your MIL feels lonely in her day-to-day life and therefore likes everyone to be together on those occasions when she does see her family?

Thanks for trying, but no. She has a husband, an active church life, several relatives in her area, etc.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE between spending time together and expecting people to spend literally every second together. In my family, we spend a lot of time together during the day, and after kids are in bed, my parents are fine with TV being on, people reading magazines, going to bed, going out to the movies or for a drink, doing whatever. Or even sitting around together, in the same room, but checking your phone and reading a magazine is fine...

With my ILs, you have to sit there and have dedicated "chat time." It is considered extremely rude to peek at your phone, read a magazine, suggest a TV show or movie, etc. They must have your full attention. Which is why conversation is recycled and stale. They tell the same stories, talk about the same people, ask the same questions...and don't even LISTEN to the responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are ok; really nice people.

My own parents, whew, hard to deal with and very controlling. That MIL who won't let people out of her sight for 5 minutes to use the bathroom (etc...) is not just lonely, she's super controlling too--which is probably why she is lonely.

THANK you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like spending time with my inlaws in limited quantities. We are local so I'm happy to see them frequently for short spurts and then retreat to my own place. I try hard not to judge and rind myself that they raised a son that I wanted to marry and spend my life with.
Thing is we picked the spouse and not the inlaws. We pick our friends but not the inlaws. They come as part of the package of being wither spouse and there is this family closenes concept that's foisted on everyone and the idea that you're supposed to really like them and choose to spend time with them as opposed to people with whine you have built relationships over time already when you don't really know them when you meet them. Some use this new connection as a mandate to be nosy and super close very fast when it's not warranted.

Nosy and super close resonated with me, because sil's were looking to judge the new female in the family. That not only kinda sucks, but super cedes any weak efforts at attempting to have a normal relationship, sadly. A little common sense, graciousness (in action, not words), and genuine (!) good will goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no personal issue with the in-laws. They're nice enough and they love spending time with our kids. I just hate having house guests and they stay too long. After 2-3 days of having to feed and entertain people morning, noon, and night, and trying to keep the house respectably clean, I'm ready for the funny farm. Did I mention that I can't even relax after the kids go to bed? FIL continues to occupy our time by talking non-stop about people I don't know and things I could not care less about.

Oh, sweetie, this is me, too. They expect to "chat" from the time DD goes to bed at 7:30 until 11 or so. I used to indulge that, but I don't anymore. I talk to them for maybe 45 minutes, and then I say I'm going to go take a shower, read and go to bed. And then I do. I just get up, say goodnight, and walk away. DH stays behind to talk to them, but he's fine with that.

Just do it. Just say you're going to read and go to bed, and do just that!

Ugh, yeah, having people who want to talk with you and spend time with you is just the worst!

You don't understand. They do this 16 hours a day for a week at a time. I am not allowed to watch television, use the internet, or read a magazine. If I sit down and start doing something quietly, they take this as a signal that I want to spend the next 2 hours talking about their latest club or hobby. DH responds to this by disappearing and leaving me to my own devices.

d

You have my sympathy, but NOPE...you need to tell your husband that if HE is not going to sit there and entertain them, you CERTAINLY aren't going to do so. Either he sits with them, or you both sit with them. That's it. Why do you allow your husband to get away with that behavior?

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are nice people, but they never stop talking. They will spout the most inane things just to fill the silence. It literally gives me a headache. I feel bad about excusing myself to go take a nap or read a book three times a day, but the alternative is that I will kill someone.