Reply to Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

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[quote=Anonymous]OP back with an update; I appreciate your kind thoughts on these updates (it's lengthy, so the TLDR is below).

I tabled custody issues over the holidays; this wasn't a discussion I wanted to have during that time and I wanted to let ex visit DD without these issues on the forefront. He saw her once, then flew to California to spend NYE with friends, and returned overseas shortly thereafter. It was disappointing that he didn't see her more than once, but it's what I've come to expect. I emailed him to revisit the discussion in January, then February. No response. Then, his plans seemed to change. He abruptly returned to the US, and just as quickly was gone again. Sometimes stateside, sometimes not. (He's not military, fwiw). I began to have doubts about him being where he said he was, and it didn't matter anyway...he'd update me with his whereabouts over text but never in the context of wanting to see DD. Frankly it was irritating, as his whereabouts are none of my business except as it relates to our child. If it's not in the context of seeing her, I really don't need to know. Finally, he visited DD in late Feb and I sat him down and asked about all the emails I'd sent. What where his thoughts? Could we work out a custody agreement together? Did he want to share custody? What are his wishes? And why didn't he answer any of my emails?

"I didn't think they needed a response", was his reply. Regarding the agreement, he wants nothing to do with it. Doesn't want to sign anything, doesn't see the need for it. Doesn't wish to have any increased responsibility for DD. Asked if I'd absolve him of child support. "Are you saying you want to give up your parental rights?", I asked. (Of note, I don't want this. I don't think it's best for DD. He's not a substance abuser nor violent). He said he doesn't want that. "So what do you want?", I asked. He just stared at me.

Turns out he's moved back to the US. Was he always overseas? I really don't know at this point, and it doesn't matter. I asked directly how long he'd be back in the US, what his plans are. Was he with the same company? When would he know anything else? He refused to give me any details. It's obvious he wants no further responsibility, and has no interest in communicating with me in a transparent way. But I guess wants to still see DD every 1-2 mos? Every 3 mos? Hard to say.

So, we ended up where I thought we would. My attorney has drafted the custody pleading. She is adamant that I pursue child support. I'm pretty sure if CS is involved this is going to get ugly.

What I want is peace from this instability. Not just for now, but for good. If he comes and goes, it is what it is. But I feel the legal protection and finality of a custody order will allow me to close this chapter. I am comfortable financially, and my family helps us a great deal. I believe in all sincerity that the amount of CS he could provide (if he even pays it, which I doubt), will not be worth the cost of pursuing it. I need healthy boundaries around DD and I, especially given the fact that she's almost four and he's never softened. Never become nicer, or more functional. But the attorney feels this is a big mistake, and says a judge may order it anyway. I'm actually OK if a judge orders it...it's out of my hands at that point. But pursuing it personally I feel sets the stage for a lifetime of conflict for us. Still, my attorney knows more than I do and I don't want to do something stupid.

TLDR: I have to serve the ex. Atty says ask for CS. We don't need it, and I'm pretty sure ex will dig his heels in if money is involved. I can't make him the father I wish he was, and have accepted that. I want to finalize custody and be done.

Thanks for reading. [/quote]

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