Husband called me fat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

This sounds great in theory, but in reality the term "fat" is not a neutral adjective for the vast majority of people. And using that term is mean.

I totally agree. Come ON, pp. It's great that you're confident but objectively calling someone fat, whether they are or not, is unkind. As is calling someone stupid, ugly, etc.

I used to be heavier. Not sure how we are defining "fat" - I do agree with PP that if you're 140 and were 130 before kids, it's different than if you're 250 lbs (the former would indicate that he's controlling and abusive, the second potentially that he's unkind/frustrated/etc). When I was heavy, I knew it. My husband knew it. He would never have said it, but Id never have called myself fat and expected him to disagree, either. I started working out a lot and eating better and I've lost a bunch (could still stand to use a bit, but am normal BMI now) and I know he appreciates it but bottom line - I did it for myself, not for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

This sounds great in theory, but in reality the term "fat" is not a neutral adjective for the vast majority of people. And using that term is mean.

I totally agree. Come ON, pp. It's great that you're confident but objectively calling someone fat, whether they are or not, is unkind. As is calling someone stupid, ugly, etc.

I used to be heavier. Not sure how we are defining "fat" - I do agree with PP that if you're 140 and were 130 before kids, it's different than if you're 250 lbs (the former would indicate that he's controlling and abusive, the second potentially that he's unkind/frustrated/etc). When I was heavy, I knew it. My husband knew it. He would never have said it, but Id never have called myself fat and expected him to disagree, either. I started working out a lot and eating better and I've lost a bunch (could still stand to use a bit, but am normal BMI now) and I know he appreciates it but bottom line - I did it for myself, not for him.

Sorry that you have such loathing for the shape your body used to be, but "fat" is NOT akin to "stupid" and "ugly". Fat is just a size, just like tall or short. It is a description. It is sad that some people use it as a pejorative, but it is not inherently pejorative. (Don't even get me started about how moderate fatness is actually highly correlated to better health outcomes and longevity.) Anyway, it's really, really sad that you equate your former size to being stupid and ugly. And I feel sorry for all the fat people in the world to whom you automatically attach negative associations.

"Fat" is not inherently unkind. Please stop teaching your kids that it is. Without all the unnecessary hatred associated with the label, perhaps more fat people would love the bodies they are in and treat them with love and kindness -- which may result in better nutrition, exercise, and self-care in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the DH with the overweight wife, have you ever asked your wife, after she complains about her weight, if there's anything you could do to make it easier for her? If my dh said that to me, I'd take him up on it in a second - I'd love to be able to take a walk or jump on the treadmill while he handles some evening kid duties, or have him do the morning routine, etc., etc.

I am already the primary parent and handle the majority of the child care (morning and evening duty), all of the cooking, most of the laundry and housekeeping. My DW has a relatively stressful job, a long commute and when she gets "downtime" she prefers to collapse on the couch and watch TV. I don't begrudge this at all, but I also know that if I took our son even that little bit more, she would not choose to spend that time working out. I am not about to start "nagging" her to work out.

When I have asked, her answer is generally "stop cooking" but when she cooks, she makes giant carbfests which are not weight losers for her, and they are weight gainers for me. I am reducing portion size, which is her other big complaint. However, she tends to eat a lot of junk during the day...and I'm not getting into policing an adult's food intake.

[Anonymous]

This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

"Quit" being attracted implies that it is a choice. If my wife gains fifty pounds and I can't even find the naughty parts I'm looking for under those big folds of fat, how can anyone blame me for that? Attraction isn't something you can just will yourself to have.

For almost everyone, getting fat is a choice - not in the same category at all as the other conditions you mention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

"Quit" being attracted implies that it is a choice. If my wife gains fifty pounds and I can't even find the naughty parts I'm looking for under those big folds of fat, how can anyone blame me for that? Attraction isn't something you can just will yourself to have.

For almost everyone, getting fat is a choice - not in the same category at all as the other conditions you mention.

It's sad you are so willing to believe that gaining weight is a choice but rejecting your spouse isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

"Quit" being attracted implies that it is a choice. If my wife gains fifty pounds and I can't even find the naughty parts I'm looking for under those big folds of fat, how can anyone blame me for that? Attraction isn't something you can just will yourself to have.

For almost everyone, getting fat is a choice - not in the same category at all as the other conditions you mention.

It's sad you are so willing to believe that gaining weight is a choice but rejecting your spouse isn't.

If I intentionally changed my looks to be off-putting to my spouse - say, shaved my head - would I be allowed to complain if my spouse didn't feel attracted to me in the same way?

If you married a person when you were normal weight then let yourself - through your own actions - become fat, you have changed your looks in a way that is likely a turnoff to your spouse. Whether your spouse is honest with you or not about it, it is likely the truth. I am not talking about the 5-10 pounds that most people gain as they age, I am talking about really letting yourself go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

"Quit" being attracted implies that it is a choice. If my wife gains fifty pounds and I can't even find the naughty parts I'm looking for under those big folds of fat, how can anyone blame me for that? Attraction isn't something you can just will yourself to have.

For almost everyone, getting fat is a choice - not in the same category at all as the other conditions you mention.

It's sad you are so willing to believe that gaining weight is a choice but rejecting your spouse isn't.

If I intentionally changed my looks to be off-putting to my spouse - say, shaved my head - would I be allowed to complain if my spouse didn't feel attracted to me in the same way?

If you married a person when you were normal weight then let yourself - through your own actions - become fat, you have changed your looks in a way that is likely a turnoff to your spouse. Whether your spouse is honest with you or not about it, it is likely the truth. I am not talking about the 5-10 pounds that most people gain as they age, I am talking about really letting yourself go.

If my spouse doesn't like it, whatever it is, he can get to stepping. I'm not on this Earth to be his charm bracelet. When you call your spouse something derogatory KNOWING it will hurt their feelings, you are a hateful piece of shit. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

"Quit" being attracted implies that it is a choice. If my wife gains fifty pounds and I can't even find the naughty parts I'm looking for under those big folds of fat, how can anyone blame me for that? Attraction isn't something you can just will yourself to have.

For almost everyone, getting fat is a choice - not in the same category at all as the other conditions you mention.

It's sad you are so willing to believe that gaining weight is a choice but rejecting your spouse isn't.

If I intentionally changed my looks to be off-putting to my spouse - say, shaved my head - would I be allowed to complain if my spouse didn't feel attracted to me in the same way?

If you married a person when you were normal weight then let yourself - through your own actions - become fat, you have changed your looks in a way that is likely a turnoff to your spouse. Whether your spouse is honest with you or not about it, it is likely the truth. I am not talking about the 5-10 pounds that most people gain as they age, I am talking about really letting yourself go.

Again, you are just treating it as gospel that a person gaining weight is doing so by choice. That isn't so.

I took my vows seriously, my spouse may change how much they weigh or how they look but they will always be the wonderful, kind, loving person I fell in love with. You, however, will probably be a d-bag forever.

[Anonymous]

I took my vows as well, and will love my spouse regardless of size. but I find it bizarre that you are supposed to accept and remain attracted, no matter what your spouse's size/weight/self destructive behavior or else you are a terrible person. Both of us know it is a responsibility to keep our marriage strong and healthy--that includes trying to be healthy ourselves and making an effort to be attractive to each other. If my spouse stopped brushing teeth or bathing, am I supposed to accept it no matter what-- otherwise I am a horrible person? or is it reasonable to expect reasonable effort on the part of each spouse to maintain basic standards of weight and hygiene? I'm not talking perfection here--people age, hair thins, metabolism slows, wrinkles appear. But if you support each other in healthy eating and exercise to maintain reasonable size and health, it seems to me that you should.

as for us, we joined a gym together with childcare and try to go a couple times a week together. No negative comments ever made but we make positive comments--you look great, I can tell you've been working out, that shirt looks great on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took my vows as well, and will love my spouse regardless of size. but I find it bizarre that you are supposed to accept and remain attracted, no matter what your spouse's size/weight/self destructive behavior or else you are a terrible person. Both of us know it is a responsibility to keep our marriage strong and healthy--that includes trying to be healthy ourselves and making an effort to be attractive to each other. If my spouse stopped brushing teeth or bathing, am I supposed to accept it no matter what-- otherwise I am a horrible person? or is it reasonable to expect reasonable effort on the part of each spouse to maintain basic standards of weight and hygiene? I'm not talking perfection here--people age, hair thins, metabolism slows, wrinkles appear. But if you support each other in healthy eating and exercise to maintain reasonable size and health, it seems to me that you should.

as for us, we joined a gym together with childcare and try to go a couple times a week together. No negative comments ever made but we make positive comments--you look great, I can tell you've been working out, that shirt looks great on you.

Agree with you, staying in shape and practicing basic hygeine show respect for your partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating discussion.

I agree with those who say that fat is really just an adjective - not really any different than calling someone bald, short, or many other negative characteristics.

I also think that getting really fat after marriage threatens that marriage. Weight is something that almost everyone can control, with a few rare medical exceptions. It is time for people to take responsibility for their bodies and not just call their partners shallow for no longer being attracted to them.

And so it's the fact that you think it is so easily controlled that means it's okay to quit being attracted to them and possibly leave the marriage?

I'm just asking because something like cancer or MS or bipolar disorder can also make spouses less attractive. Is it shallow or okay, do you think, for people in those situations to no longer want to be with their spouses? Is the idea here that I'm allowed to reject my husband for something he can control but not allowed to reject him for something he can't control? That doesn't sound like the vows I took.

"Quit" being attracted implies that it is a choice. If my wife gains fifty pounds and I can't even find the naughty parts I'm looking for under those big folds of fat, how can anyone blame me for that? Attraction isn't something you can just will yourself to have.

For almost everyone, getting fat is a choice - not in the same category at all as the other conditions you mention.

It's sad you are so willing to believe that gaining weight is a choice but rejecting your spouse isn't.

If I intentionally changed my looks to be off-putting to my spouse - say, shaved my head - would I be allowed to complain if my spouse didn't feel attracted to me in the same way?

If you married a person when you were normal weight then let yourself - through your own actions - become fat, you have changed your looks in a way that is likely a turnoff to your spouse. Whether your spouse is honest with you or not about it, it is likely the truth. I am not talking about the 5-10 pounds that most people gain as they age, I am talking about really letting yourself go.

Again, you are just treating it as gospel that a person gaining weight is doing so by choice. That isn't so.

I took my vows seriously, my spouse may change how much they weigh or how they look but they will always be the wonderful, kind, loving person I fell in love with. You, however, will probably be a d-bag forever.

Stating basic facts about men - that they are visual creatures who were sexually attracted to your looks when they married you, and would love for you to retain a little o that sex appeal - doesnt make me a douchebag. It does make me wonder how fat you are and whether you are happy the way you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

This sounds great in theory, but in reality the term "fat" is not a neutral adjective for the vast majority of people. And using that term is mean.

I totally agree. Come ON, pp. It's great that you're confident but objectively calling someone fat, whether they are or not, is unkind. As is calling someone stupid, ugly, etc.

I used to be heavier. Not sure how we are defining "fat" - I do agree with PP that if you're 140 and were 130 before kids, it's different than if you're 250 lbs (the former would indicate that he's controlling and abusive, the second potentially that he's unkind/frustrated/etc). When I was heavy, I knew it. My husband knew it. He would never have said it, but Id never have called myself fat and expected him to disagree, either. I started working out a lot and eating better and I've lost a bunch (could still stand to use a bit, but am normal BMI now) and I know he appreciates it but bottom line - I did it for myself, not for him.

Sorry that you have such loathing for the shape your body used to be, but "fat" is NOT akin to "stupid" and "ugly". Fat is just a size, just like tall or short. It is a description. It is sad that some people use it as a pejorative, but it is not inherently pejorative. (Don't even get me started about how moderate fatness is actually highly correlated to better health outcomes and longevity.) Anyway, it's really, really sad that you equate your former size to being stupid and ugly. And I feel sorry for all the fat people in the world to whom you automatically attach negative associations.

"Fat" is not inherently unkind. Please stop teaching your kids that it is. Without all the unnecessary hatred associated with the label, perhaps more fat people would love the bodies they are in and treat them with love and kindness -- which may result in better nutrition, exercise, and self-care in general.

Virtually everyone would choose to be normal weight vs overweight. Most people would also equate being fat with being unattractive vs normal weight.

[Anonymous]

Agreed. My wife has gained 50 pounds and I am NOT attracted. Please people: don't get fat. Or if you do, don't be suprised when your spouse calls you fat or loses attraction.