Husband called me fat

[Anonymous]

I've been overweight since I've had my son (4 years ago) and haven't been unable to shake the weight off. I know I'm overweight but have struggled with loosing it. Just to hear the words from my husbands mouth cut me to the core...Then he gets mad at me for being upset. He says "you call yourself fat how is that different if I say it" But it's not the same. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

[Anonymous]

How often do you denigrate yourself, OP?

That's more unattractive than any extra weight you may be carrying.

Did he say it out of exasperation (i.e., have you been complaining incessantly about your weight?) or in a nasty, hurtful way to leave a mark?

Context matters. At some point, I think a partner who listens to someone complain about something about themselves for four years tries to find a new tack for engaging on the topic.

[Anonymous]

You acknowledged in your post that you're overweight. How is it different when your husband says it? Do you think your husband doesn't notice? I'm not sure what you're really angry about- yourself for being fat or for your husband for noticing?

[Anonymous]

Ignore the haters. Your DH was out of line and he knows it. It is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the haters. Your DH was out of line and he knows it. It is not OK.

Who is hating? This sort of response isn't helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

Would you rather he said nothing and continued to build up resentment?

[Anonymous]

I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

+1

Be honest, OP. Are you upset because of his emotion behind how he said it, or are you upset because you wanted him to keep pretending you're not overweight?

[Anonymous]

So? Own it if you don't plan to do anything about it.

[Anonymous]

I've been on both sides of this scenario before and it's really tough. I have to agree with 8:09 though, context matters.

My DH has gained weight since we met and he talks so badly about himself all the time. He's so uncomfortable about his body now. I never say anything to him other than encouragement and reassurance that I think he looks amazing and that I'm still incredibly attracted to him but it doesn't help. I try showing him that I'm still attracted to him but I get shut down. I feel awful but, the way things are going, I can see myself snapping at him one day out of desperation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

This is a great post. Saying it in a hurtful way is unacceptable.

If my weight were a problem for my spouse I don't know of any non-hurtful, productive way of approaching the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

I am a DH, and my DW is fat and it is weight she gained during pregnancy which she hasn't been able to lose. She was pudgy or "curvy" before and then packed on a good bit and hasn't lost any.

She regularly complains she's fat, and I regularly tell her she's not really and it's fine and she will eventually lose the weight. It is a lie, and I think we both know it, but saying anything else would be deemed hurtful, I think. I'm bummed, but I don't see a way out of this corner...I just hope it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your husband should put you on a "Performance Plan" to lose the weight. Structure incentives and bonuses that you'd like to shed the fat.

[Anonymous]

How big are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been on both sides of this scenario before and it's really tough. I have to agree with 8:09 though, context matters.

My DH has gained weight since we met and he talks so badly about himself all the time. He's so uncomfortable about his body now. I never say anything to him other than encouragement and reassurance that I think he looks amazing and that I'm still incredibly attracted to him but it doesn't help. I try showing him that I'm still attracted to him but I get shut down. I feel awful but, the way things are going, I can see myself snapping at him one day out of desperation.

I feel you, PP. My DH is overweight right now, knows it, feels bad about it, and is struggling to address it. He has a stressful job, we have two small kids, and none of it helps him make healthy choices.

I try to say as little as possible about it, yet I am concerned and he knows that. I still let him know that he is attractive to me. And he is awfully kind about changes to my body postpartum.

It's a sensitive thing, and it wouldn't be a bad idea for you and DH to have a dukes-down, honest conversation about it. Calling you fat wasn't a nice thing for him to do, but I can also see how he might be tired of hearing you complain about it, tired of hearing you beat yourself up, and probably a little worried too.

Also: I make it a big point never to have my son hear me criticize my body. My four year old thinks I am pretty, and I bet yours does too.