Anyone feel guilty for having money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just got in a weird text fight about this exact thing with my sister's MIL. (baby shower issue). There was an awkward beginning with a comment that I could pay for it all, and then when I suggested that the budget wouldn't work (MIL wanted to invite 50-60 people and rent a space on a $500 total budget), I pointed out that it wouldn't work because we couldn't afford to feed anyone anything and have the space. She said then I could just pay for all of it and that I should stop being so negative, and this party wasn't about me. Did I mention I've only met her 4-5 times?

I'm the only one of my family who left a small midwest town, and I feel like the more successful I get, the more my family resents me, despite that I super try to focus just on them when I talk to them. This is why I'm in therapy.

That's nuts!

[Anonymous]

One thing I've noticed about DMV is that a lot of people seem a generation removed from small town Pennsylvania, the South etc., so I guess these tensions are pretty common. Very different dynamic from the New York area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've noticed about DMV is that a lot of people seem a generation removed from small town Pennsylvania, the South etc., so I guess these tensions are pretty common. Very different dynamic from the New York area.

Yeah - lots more Pa, southern, and Midwestern folks here, so I feel like they wrestle with this issue more esp. if their family in Pa, southern, or Midwestern hometown isn't full of professionals. When I lived in NYC, it felt like practically every one of my peers was raised in Long Island, Westchester, Northern NJ, or CT -- they were used to a middle class life and more and no one in their family was jealous of living in Manhattan in a $2500 studio; often their parents/grandparents did that at a young age and then settled in LI etc. so they knew the positives/negatives of NYC life. Way different when your rural Pa. family can't possibly imagine any career positives in DC - or is SO jealous that they won't acknowledge it - and then they cling to -- you left bc you think you're better than us.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. The people in my family who don't have money are lazy and happy to sit around and ask me for handouts.

Not having money is usually the result of poor choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. If you're "rich," you're automatically a sob. If you're smart you go to the 4th tier small college down the road, commuting from home. If you choose ANY 4 yr university besides that one, you think you're better than everyone. If you go to some other school or work elsewhere but eventually return, it's bc you couldn't "make it" in the big world. If you pursue a career in a big city, money is all that matters to you and you've abandoned God and your family.

Some of those 2000 person small town can be tough.

This is my hometown 100%. 1500 people, I put myself through college and grad school and have worked my tail off every since. But every career bump I get, the less my family wants to do with me. I am looking at a move to NYC which will basically be the same as disowning my family. It hurts and there is nothing I can do to make it easier.

One of my friends here - one of the nicest people you'd ever meet and not at all a big spender - is from one of these 2000 person hometowns, and simply doesn't tell her family about promotions/good news. I thought that was crazy to not celebrate when you slog for 10 yrs and become an owner of a firm or something, but given what you're describing - if it'll just lead to jealousy or petty comments or minimizing contact, I can see why. She started her career in NYC (only for 1-2 yrs) and then moved here - and she has said that her family views NYC as just cutting off the family ties. Not sure what they think happens there, but obviously nothing good in their minds . . . .

[Anonymous]

President Obama was right to talk about bitter people in small town Pennsylvania clinging to guns and religion. Kind of dumb to have made that statement in San Francisco though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. If you're "rich," you're automatically a sob. If you're smart you go to the 4th tier small college down the road, commuting from home. If you choose ANY 4 yr university besides that one, you think you're better than everyone. If you go to some other school or work elsewhere but eventually return, it's bc you couldn't "make it" in the big world. If you pursue a career in a big city, money is all that matters to you and you've abandoned God and your family.

Some of those 2000 person small town can be tough.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This morning, a family member asked me to attend something next week and I said I'd love to, but we'll be out of town. Her reply was, "Again?! I wish I had the money to travel like you do. Must be nice". The thing is, we don't even have that much money, we just like to travel and forego other things (eating out, expensive clothing, etc) in order to do that.

OP as you know, sometimes the amount you can save by foregoing eating out or expensive clothes simply doesn't add up to the amount of money it takes to travel. The most important thing is that you know how much money you have, and that your spending reflects your values. If you need to re-examine your spending (or your values!), then do so. When people comment on your trip, you'll be able to answer from a place of gratefulness and not guilt.

This is interesting food for thought, thanks. I thought I was pretty grateful, but part of my gratitude is humility. So, unfortunately I still feel a bit of shame about my success.

[Anonymous]

Reversal of fortunes has happened in my family. When we were poor barely making it in our early years, no one in my family gave a shit. We were not invited to many things because we were poor and treated poorly. Too bad we didn't have a brand new car. Too bad we didn't have a nice big house. Too bad you can't afford better clothes. Too bad you can't give your kids everything they desire. Too bad. Too bad. TOO DAMN BAD.

I was expected to make it on my own. I was expected to deal with life's mishaps. I was expected to lie in the bed I made.

Now that we have a good life it's gimme this or gimme that. You live better than we do so you need to help us. Need ?

Do I feel guilty ? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. I made the money I have, and I worked hard to get it including studying a ton in college while a lot of people partied their way through. Why shold I feel guilty?

+1

I know people whose parents paid for everything - college, grad school, housing after college, trips, "studying abroad", you name it. And they have the audacity to expect anything from me? What a joke. DH and I were given absolutely nothing - no college, nothing. No apologies here. I don't have to tell you how poor we were (individually and separately) to justify myself to you or anyone else. When you figure out what poor actually is, you come back and talk to me about how DH and I got here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. I made the money I have, and I worked hard to get it including studying a ton in college while a lot of people partied their way through. Why shold I feel guilty?

+1

I know people whose parents paid for everything - college, grad school, housing after college, trips, "studying abroad", you name it. And they have the audacity to expect anything from me? What a joke. DH and I were given absolutely nothing - no college, nothing. No apologies here. I don't have to tell you how poor we were (individually and separately) to justify myself to you or anyone else. When you figure out what poor actually is, you come back and talk to me about how DH and I got here.

So you just switched sides. Where is the learning as a society. Look at me if I can do it you can do it too. Rubbing it in when talking to your gardener?
I totally get enjoying the fruit of your labor but some of you who made it out of a certain social class seem bitter.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people in the DMV are one generation removed from the "townies" they escaped and it shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people in the DMV are one generation removed from the "townies" they escaped and it shows.

Thanks, that's what I thought.

[Anonymous]

I did feel a bit guilty when I realized that I made more than my Dad. He worked very hard in law enforcement and luckily had excellent health coverage.

My sister notes the disparity in their joint income and ours. She'll throw out little comments like OP's sister. I don't feel guilty and she really is happy for me, as I am for her good luck when it comes. But, she knew her DH was unambitious and went ahead with the marriage anyway. Mine was/is very ambitious and keeps pushing to get up the ladder. Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

yes, I feel guilty.

My other family members also work hard for the money the earn, but at jobs that are not lucrative and pay low. Just because they get paid less doesn't mean they also aren't working hard for the money.