Anyone feel guilty for having money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning, a family member asked me to attend something next week and I said I'd love to, but we'll be out of town. Her reply was, "Again?! I wish I had the money to travel like you do. Must be nice". The thing is, we don't even have that much money, we just like to travel and forego other things (eating out, expensive clothing, etc) in order to do that. But, I know we have more money than a lot of people in my family and I feel guilty about it. I don't brag about our life or trips, but since they're close by, they know about it and I think they assume we roll around in piles of money at night. It makes me feel awkward. Anyone else?

I feel the same way. I am an immigrant who came to the US with very little money and had to work very hard to have what I have now. I get a lot of "it must be nice to send your kids to private school, travel etc." drives me crazy. This money did not fall from the sky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We work very hard for what we have also and both come from blue collar humble beginnings. But, being in such a different status now and having it acknowledged by them especially, makes me feel weird.

I still wouldn't feel guilty even if they are blue collar and you aren't. Likely you worked hard through college, grad school, and any number of jobs to get to where you're at. I fee like people assume that those who have some money were just handed said money. I'm an atty and have put up with some difficult firms and my current shitty govt job to make money, so I won't be made to feel guilty about it.

+1

People who count others' pennies have zero idea what it takes to earn their own.

This. I have extended family in rural Pa that literally says - I'd be rich too if I went to a fancy Ivy League college. Not realizing that that involved - being at the top of my high school class to get into said ivy; loans; working my ass off to do well in college to get into a top 10 law school; more loans; working 24-7 in biglaw for a decade; getting pushed out and sucking it up in the govt until I figure out my next step.

Somehow people think money just shows up for the asking once you get admitted to a certain school by luck.

This is a great post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most cases, having money or not is all about work ethics, focus and priorities. To answer the OP question - No, not a bit!

So far, this whole thread has been pretty clueless, but you are officially the worst. And stupidest.

OP, I can't answer your question as we only have money compared to much of the country and world, but not much here, and it's really uncomfortable being on the poor end of that relationship. I am aware that our vacations are only to visit family, our house is small and shabby, our clothes are Target and Lands End, etc. I would never dream of saying anything to my monied friends - rude - but it is hard to feel, especially suddenly, like a poor relation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We work very hard for what we have also and both come from blue collar humble beginnings. But, being in such a different status now and having it acknowledged by them especially, makes me feel weird.

I still wouldn't feel guilty even if they are blue collar and you aren't. Likely you worked hard through college, grad school, and any number of jobs to get to where you're at. I fee like people assume that those who have some money were just handed said money. I'm an atty and have put up with some difficult firms and my current shitty govt job to make money, so I won't be made to feel guilty about it.

+1

People who count others' pennies have zero idea what it takes to earn their own.

This. I have extended family in rural Pa that literally says - I'd be rich too if I went to a fancy Ivy League college. Not realizing that that involved - being at the top of my high school class to get into said ivy; loans; working my ass off to do well in college to get into a top 10 law school; more loans; working 24-7 in biglaw for a decade; getting pushed out and sucking it up in the govt until I figure out my next step.

Somehow people think money just shows up for the asking once you get admitted to a certain school by luck.

This is a great post.

I honestly don't get the small town/blue collar mentality sometimes even though I grew up there. So many are content to go to high school and pursue the same jobs every generation before them did, but they complain/make comments about all the things city folk have - while criticizing those same people for being "snobs" bc they went to an ivy or "abandoning" the family bc they moved to a bigger city 2 hrs away for a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We work very hard for what we have also and both come from blue collar humble beginnings. But, being in such a different status now and having it acknowledged by them especially, makes me feel weird.

I still wouldn't feel guilty even if they are blue collar and you aren't. Likely you worked hard through college, grad school, and any number of jobs to get to where you're at. I fee like people assume that those who have some money were just handed said money. I'm an atty and have put up with some difficult firms and my current shitty govt job to make money, so I won't be made to feel guilty about it.

+1

People who count others' pennies have zero idea what it takes to earn their own.

This. I have extended family in rural Pa that literally says - I'd be rich too if I went to a fancy Ivy League college. Not realizing that that involved - being at the top of my high school class to get into said ivy; loans; working my ass off to do well in college to get into a top 10 law school; more loans; working 24-7 in biglaw for a decade; getting pushed out and sucking it up in the govt until I figure out my next step.

Somehow people think money just shows up for the asking once you get admitted to a certain school by luck.

This is a great post.

I honestly don't get the small town/blue collar mentality sometimes even though I grew up there. So many are content to go to high school and pursue the same jobs every generation before them did, but they complain/make comments about all the things city folk have - while criticizing those same people for being "snobs" bc they went to an ivy or "abandoning" the family bc they moved to a bigger city 2 hrs away for a job.

This. Being "rich" was a bad word in my blue collar family growing up. It implied you were snobby, thought you were better than everyone else, etc. So now, to be seen as "rich" by our family is obviously a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. If you're "rich," you're automatically a sob. If you're smart you go to the 4th tier small college down the road, commuting from home. If you choose ANY 4 yr university besides that one, you think you're better than everyone. If you go to some other school or work elsewhere but eventually return, it's bc you couldn't "make it" in the big world. If you pursue a career in a big city, money is all that matters to you and you've abandoned God and your family.

Some of those 2000 person small town can be tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I support liberal causes and give to the appropriate charities, so I'm good.

But, around your family do feel your bad?

No.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm rude but if someone said to me "it must be nice to travel all the time," my response -- not even to be rude just my knee-jerk response would be -- yes, it is great; we've had a long yr and I'm glad we're getting away.

No need to apologize or feel bad for the fact that you get to go away. They aren't paying for it. And they don't know if you're cutting back in one area in order to afford another area. I know I don't spend much day to day -- going out, clothing etc. But if I want to go somewhere -- I don't hesitate to buy a last minute flight and hotel, even if it's going to cost me. I'm ok with splurging on that bc it's more relaxing to me to go away for 2 days to a new city than to buy another pair of jeans.

[Anonymous]

Nope. But, I feel grateful every moment of every single day. Whatever I've put into this, that's luck too. (Or, a blessing, depending on your beliefs.) I was born a smarty with a strong sense of self-motivation. My mom believed in education and sacrificed to give my nerd ass what it needed to thrive.

I am so much better off than my peers. My kids are awesome, easy-going and fun. I have a nice house and live within (or below) my means. I was gifted with prudence, and this has served me well. I'm resilient, so things that would have waylaid others, I was able to take in stride.

I don't feel guilty. Ever. But, an awareness of how easily it could have turned out different keeps me humble. I practice gratitude will everything. I even thank god for my problems because I know what others face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This morning, a family member asked me to attend something next week and I said I'd love to, but we'll be out of town. Her reply was, "Again?! I wish I had the money to travel like you do. Must be nice". The thing is, we don't even have that much money, we just like to travel and forego other things (eating out, expensive clothing, etc) in order to do that.

OP as you know, sometimes the amount you can save by foregoing eating out or expensive clothes simply doesn't add up to the amount of money it takes to travel. The most important thing is that you know how much money you have, and that your spending reflects your values. If you need to re-examine your spending (or your values!), then do so. When people comment on your trip, you'll be able to answer from a place of gratefulness and not guilt.

[Anonymous]

I just got in a weird text fight about this exact thing with my sister's MIL. (baby shower issue). There was an awkward beginning with a comment that I could pay for it all, and then when I suggested that the budget wouldn't work (MIL wanted to invite 50-60 people and rent a space on a $500 total budget), I pointed out that it wouldn't work because we couldn't afford to feed anyone anything and have the space. She said then I could just pay for all of it and that I should stop being so negative, and this party wasn't about me. Did I mention I've only met her 4-5 times?

I'm the only one of my family who left a small midwest town, and I feel like the more successful I get, the more my family resents me, despite that I super try to focus just on them when I talk to them. This is why I'm in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe none of the PPs have said this -- but your family member's comment to you was rude and distasteful. I wouldn't let someone's rude comment make me feel guilty about what I have. If anything, I might have said, "That kind of comment is inappropriate." Your family member's comment was laden with judgment and envy.

+1

Alternate reaction: "Gosh, why would you say such a thing?"

[Anonymous]

Actually, I kind of felt guilty when i started making more than my parents did. I felt bad that they are working so hard and making less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly. If you're "rich," you're automatically a sob. If you're smart you go to the 4th tier small college down the road, commuting from home. If you choose ANY 4 yr university besides that one, you think you're better than everyone. If you go to some other school or work elsewhere but eventually return, it's bc you couldn't "make it" in the big world. If you pursue a career in a big city, money is all that matters to you and you've abandoned God and your family.

Some of those 2000 person small town can be tough.

This is my hometown 100%. 1500 people, I put myself through college and grad school and have worked my tail off every since. But every career bump I get, the less my family wants to do with me. I am looking at a move to NYC which will basically be the same as disowning my family. It hurts and there is nothing I can do to make it easier.

[Anonymous]

Of course not. I made the money I have, and I worked hard to get it including studying a ton in college while a lot of people partied their way through. Why shold I feel guilty?