We stopped exchanging gifts and I love it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but I too would really love to hear people's advice about how, specifically, they got their families to agree to this. How did you broach the idea?

I am pretty certain my family would think we are selfish, lazy and cheap if I made this suggestion. The thinking would be, if everyone else in the family can make the effort (AND they all make less money than us) what is our problem? It doesn't help that my mom really loves shopping for gifts -- we end up with so much stuff we don't need or even like all that much. It would make her sad if we told her we didn't want to exchange gifts anymore, or even just limit it to the children.

Compounding the problem, my husband's family goes even more overboard than mine. We literally receive hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from his side of the family, and it is embarrassing that we don't spend as much on them, even though we buy a lot of individual presents for everyone -- and this happens EVERY year. I'm getting to the point where I really hate the holidays because we have over a dozen people to shop for, and each of them has to get multiple presents. Gift cards are a no go, it would be considered lazy and thoughtless. It is ridiculous. I hate it so much.

I just would really love to hear specific advice for how to deal with this issue with families where EVERYONE else seems to love buying tons of gifts for everyone, making the person who disagrees the spoilsport.

This sounds horrid. I will pray for you.

I wish I had some advice. I am in a similar situation. I am beginning to hate Christmas because it has become nothing but a gift buying occasion. The true meaning has been lost in my family. Family equates it with tons of presents. We all have more than we need. We end up buying gifts just for the sake of having a mound of presents beneath the tree. I find it so depressing.

This is exactly how I feel when with DH's family for xmas. Everyone is so stressed over gifts. To the point where Dh and I have been at whatever is open on xmas...walmart, walgreens etc to buy gift cards for people who unexpectedly were in town/he forgot about/etc that got us a xmas present. It's all so tit for tat and frankly 99% of the things that aren't gift cards end up being donated or thrown out. I also don't care for spending $500 to fly there for the holidays and then spending about the same on presents for his huge family..I desperately wish they would either do secret santa, 1 gift per person or just gifts for the KIDS. Frustrating to buy so many presents for 50 yr old adults....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

[Anonymous]

I don't get why so many of you act like you have to "convince" your family to do what you want to do. Just decide what you want to do, inform your family of your decision, and let them do what they want to do!

"Bob and I have decided that the holidays are a bit too much for us with gifts; we want to focus on spending time with family. We'll be buying gifts for the young children, and we will be making a donation to Feeding America in honor of all the adults. If you want to get us something, please consider making a donation in our name, but know that the best present is just the time we'll be spending with you. If anyone is interested in an adult Secret Santa for one gift of $50 or so, we'd be willing to participate in that. Thanks for understanding!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

I have been pushing this for years. My ILs basically told my H to eff off when he suggested it to them. So that went well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been pushing this for years. My ILs basically told my H to eff off when he suggested it to them. So that went well.

Sounds like they've really got the Christmas spirit in their hearts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely agree with this approach. I was the only DIL (still am - go figure) and brought up "no gifts for the (well-earning, able bodied - not out loud) adults" in the early years. Of course, I was the bad guy - and am always willing to take that hit. But now, people just buy for whom they wish to buy. And it is great, honestly. I don't care if I have one less list to make. Not one of us needs more stuff, but if they want their inside jokes, so be it. The IL's are not exactly the warm, welcoming type, either way.

We still give a check to the nieces and nephews. The nephews are the type to complain (much like the parents, again, go figure). So it is a no win situation, just less so.

MIL still insists "she doesn't need anything" - which we all know, but jeez, give us something (anything) to work with, here. At least I can tell someone a store I like, if I have to.

I agree it is one less thing to do, during stressful times, OP.

I like your double-standard..."no gifts" for yourself and others (as you select), but you HAVE to buy for MIL in spite of her "I don't need anything" statement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been pushing this for years. My ILs basically told my H to eff off when he suggested it to them. So that went well.

Sounds like they've really got the Christmas spirit in their hearts.

They probably were sick of someone not even blood-related to them "pushing this for years."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

Sorry, no, I don't give gift cards. My family does a name draw for adults and presents for young kids. I'm getting my sister nice cheeses, which she will love as she has a cheese blog.

My husband's family, however, does exchange gifts, even though I would prefer not to. But I don't get to dictate what their family does, so here's what we got them:
MIL/FIL--Tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center that we know they want to see
DH's aunt--a cashmere shawl to wear during her chemo treatments, as she gets cold and uncomfortable. It's bluish-purple, her favorite color.
DH's cousin--an interview suit, as he will be a December grad (DH already took him out shopping for it)
SIL and her wife--multiple items from their baby registry, and a week of food delivery service (they live in CA and are expecting their first)

Yeah, we feel pretty confident they'll like those gifts.

[Anonymous]

S my family is trying to do the "no gifts for adults" this year, but it's not really working. One sister still wants to exchange among siblings (so the only people eliminated would be my parents). Then my mom says that she still has to get us Chrustmas ornaments and a book, because it's her tradition. Ok whatever, but the problem is that I'm the one who has to pick them out! It drives me crazy- each year she sends me hallmark catalog so I can pick out the ornament for DH. We don't need or want more ornaments, we have too many already. Last night she texts me that she needs our book selections by this weekend so she can get them before thanksgiving. I don't get the point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

Sorry, no, I don't give gift cards. My family does a name draw for adults and presents for young kids. I'm getting my sister nice cheeses, which she will love as she has a cheese blog.

My husband's family, however, does exchange gifts, even though I would prefer not to. But I don't get to dictate what their family does, so here's what we got them:
MIL/FIL--Tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center that we know they want to see
DH's aunt--a cashmere shawl to wear during her chemo treatments, as she gets cold and uncomfortable. It's bluish-purple, her favorite color.
DH's cousin--an interview suit, as he will be a December grad (DH already took him out shopping for it)
SIL and her wife--multiple items from their baby registry, and a week of food delivery service (they live in CA and are expecting their first)

Yeah, we feel pretty confident they'll like those gifts.

I'm sorry I got you so completely riled up that you felt the need to spell out every gift you've picked out for your family members. None of these are gift cards. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

Sorry, no, I don't give gift cards. My family does a name draw for adults and presents for young kids. I'm getting my sister nice cheeses, which she will love as she has a cheese blog.

My husband's family, however, does exchange gifts, even though I would prefer not to. But I don't get to dictate what their family does, so here's what we got them:
MIL/FIL--Tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center that we know they want to see
DH's aunt--a cashmere shawl to wear during her chemo treatments, as she gets cold and uncomfortable. It's bluish-purple, her favorite color.
DH's cousin--an interview suit, as he will be a December grad (DH already took him out shopping for it)
SIL and her wife--multiple items from their baby registry, and a week of food delivery service (they live in CA and are expecting their first)

Yeah, we feel pretty confident they'll like those gifts.

I'm sorry I got you so completely riled up that you felt the need to spell out every gift you've picked out for your family members. None of these are gift cards. Good for you!

I'm sorry you got so completely riled up that you accused me--based on zero evidence--of giving meaningless gift cards that the recipients don't like. Sorry to have to tell you that your assumptions were wrong. I guess some people are just more creative/resourceful/thoughtful than others and don't automatically resort to gift cards like you do. Shrug...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S my family is trying to do the "no gifts for adults" this year, but it's not really working. One sister still wants to exchange among siblings (so the only people eliminated would be my parents). Then my mom says that she still has to get us Chrustmas ornaments and a book, because it's her tradition. Ok whatever, but the problem is that I'm the one who has to pick them out! It drives me crazy- each year she sends me hallmark catalog so I can pick out the ornament for DH. We don't need or want more ornaments, we have too many already. Last night she texts me that she needs our book selections by this weekend so she can get them before thanksgiving. I don't get the point!

SO DON'T DO IT. Stop whining about things you can control.

"I'm sorry, sis, but Brad and I just can't afford gifts this year. We're honoring our siblings by doing a service project the week after Thanksgiving."

"I'm sorry, Mom, we truly don't need more ornaments. But we'd love a new picture of you and Dad if you've got one available, as the one in our frame is outdated."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

Sorry, no, I don't give gift cards. My family does a name draw for adults and presents for young kids. I'm getting my sister nice cheeses, which she will love as she has a cheese blog.

My husband's family, however, does exchange gifts, even though I would prefer not to. But I don't get to dictate what their family does, so here's what we got them:
MIL/FIL--Tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center that we know they want to see
DH's aunt--a cashmere shawl to wear during her chemo treatments, as she gets cold and uncomfortable. It's bluish-purple, her favorite color.
DH's cousin--an interview suit, as he will be a December grad (DH already took him out shopping for it)
SIL and her wife--multiple items from their baby registry, and a week of food delivery service (they live in CA and are expecting their first)

Yeah, we feel pretty confident they'll like those gifts.

I'm sorry I got you so completely riled up that you felt the need to spell out every gift you've picked out for your family members. None of these are gift cards. Good for you!

I'm sorry you got so completely riled up that you accused me--based on zero evidence--of giving meaningless gift cards that the recipients don't like. Sorry to have to tell you that your assumptions were wrong. I guess some people are just more creative/resourceful/thoughtful than others and don't automatically resort to gift cards like you do. Shrug...

Yes. Yes, some people don't automatically resort to gift cards. When EVERYONE resorts to gift cards (and we've come full circle here) such that you have ten adults exchanging gift cards, it has become straight. up. nonsense. Do you get it?