We stopped exchanging gifts and I love it!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

Sorry, no, I don't give gift cards. My family does a name draw for adults and presents for young kids. I'm getting my sister nice cheeses, which she will love as she has a cheese blog.

My husband's family, however, does exchange gifts, even though I would prefer not to. But I don't get to dictate what their family does, so here's what we got them:
MIL/FIL--Tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center that we know they want to see
DH's aunt--a cashmere shawl to wear during her chemo treatments, as she gets cold and uncomfortable. It's bluish-purple, her favorite color.
DH's cousin--an interview suit, as he will be a December grad (DH already took him out shopping for it)
SIL and her wife--multiple items from their baby registry, and a week of food delivery service (they live in CA and are expecting their first)

Yeah, we feel pretty confident they'll like those gifts.

I'm sorry I got you so completely riled up that you felt the need to spell out every gift you've picked out for your family members. None of these are gift cards. Good for you!

I'm sorry you got so completely riled up that you accused me--based on zero evidence--of giving meaningless gift cards that the recipients don't like. Sorry to have to tell you that your assumptions were wrong. I guess some people are just more creative/resourceful/thoughtful than others and don't automatically resort to gift cards like you do. Shrug...

Yes. Yes, some people don't automatically resort to gift cards. When EVERYONE resorts to gift cards (and we've come full circle here) such that you have ten adults exchanging gift cards, it has become straight. up. nonsense. Do you get it?

Nonsense *to you,* not nonsense *universally and objectively to everyone in the world.* Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:S my family is trying to do the "no gifts for adults" this year, but it's not really working. One sister still wants to exchange among siblings (so the only people eliminated would be my parents). Then my mom says that she still has to get us Chrustmas ornaments and a book, because it's her tradition. Ok whatever, but the problem is that I'm the one who has to pick them out! It drives me crazy- each year she sends me hallmark catalog so I can pick out the ornament for DH. We don't need or want more ornaments, we have too many already. Last night she texts me that she needs our book selections by this weekend so she can get them before thanksgiving. I don't get the point!

SO DON'T DO IT. Stop whining about things you can control.

"I'm sorry, sis, but Brad and I just can't afford gifts this year. We're honoring our siblings by doing a service project the week after Thanksgiving."

"I'm sorry, Mom, we truly don't need more ornaments. But we'd love a new picture of you and Dad if you've got one available, as the one in our frame is outdated."

Honestly it was initiated by my other sister- I'm happy to go either way if there were an actual consensus. We're not the ones who actually can't afford it, although we do have a lot of expenses this year. Wasn't really whining per se, just sharing a timely personal experience.

Yeah I said no ornaments. We'll get them anyway. Not responding about the books though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.

NP here. If you have a big family who all enjoy gift giving and it's a big jolly occasion and all the gifts are thoughtful and delight abounds, then yes, I agree with you. That is not what most people are talking about. We're talking about grown adults who are clinging to the tradition of exchanging gifts by all, to a person, just getting each other gift cards. A gift card is not a thoughtful gift. It is money, and not even as good as money. It is straight up nonsense.

It is straight up nonsense TO YOU. That doesn't make it nonsense to everyone else. Do you get it?

Oh, I completely get it. I'm sure you think all the recipients of your gift cards think they're really thoughtful gifts. (Hint: they don't.)

Sorry, no, I don't give gift cards. My family does a name draw for adults and presents for young kids. I'm getting my sister nice cheeses, which she will love as she has a cheese blog.

My husband's family, however, does exchange gifts, even though I would prefer not to. But I don't get to dictate what their family does, so here's what we got them:
MIL/FIL--Tickets to a show at the Kennedy Center that we know they want to see
DH's aunt--a cashmere shawl to wear during her chemo treatments, as she gets cold and uncomfortable. It's bluish-purple, her favorite color.
DH's cousin--an interview suit, as he will be a December grad (DH already took him out shopping for it)
SIL and her wife--multiple items from their baby registry, and a week of food delivery service (they live in CA and are expecting their first)

Yeah, we feel pretty confident they'll like those gifts.

I'm sorry I got you so completely riled up that you felt the need to spell out every gift you've picked out for your family members. None of these are gift cards. Good for you!

I'm sorry you got so completely riled up that you accused me--based on zero evidence--of giving meaningless gift cards that the recipients don't like. Sorry to have to tell you that your assumptions were wrong. I guess some people are just more creative/resourceful/thoughtful than others and don't automatically resort to gift cards like you do. Shrug...

Yes. Yes, some people don't automatically resort to gift cards. When EVERYONE resorts to gift cards (and we've come full circle here) such that you have ten adults exchanging gift cards, it has become straight. up. nonsense. Do you get it?

Nonsense *to you,* not nonsense *universally and objectively to everyone in the world.* Do you get it?

Sorry, there's no objective situation where this is not nonsense. I hope your family enjoys their gifts. They really do sound thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

I used to get really stressed out around Christmas, and hated watching my mother spend so much money trying so hard to do "the perfect Christmas," buying presents that none of us really wanted.

And now she's dead, as are all the wonderful things she used to do at Christmas that were hard for the rest of us to see at the time because the gift-giving issue had become such a sore point within the family.

Be a mite careful about what y'all wish for.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are 9 and 10. This is the 3rd year we are taking a trip instead of doing presents. It's the best thing ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are 9 and 10. This is the 3rd year we are taking a trip instead of doing presents. It's the best thing ever.

I love this idea. This is our DC's first Christmas but we've talked a lot about trying to keep Christmas sane as he gets older. We're not very materialistic people, and haven't even done gifts for each other the last couple years (donated to charity instead) and get a big squeamish watching DH's niece and nephew, who get bombarded with tons of gifts every year. ILs really go overboard in our opinion.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been pushing this for years. My ILs basically told my H to eff off when he suggested it to them. So that went well.

Sounds like they've really got the Christmas spirit in their hearts.

They probably were sick of someone not even blood-related to them "pushing this for years."

Your reading comprehension sucks. I said my husband suggested it to them. I never said a thing to them. I had asked my husband for years to end the exchange due to horrid behavior on the part of my in laws in regards to gifts, behavior that was so un-Christmas in spirit it left me dreading my favorite holiday. The final straw for him was when they called to complain that the box of presents had unequal numbers of gifts in it, despite the fact that my FIL had requested items that were significantly more costly than my MILs, so she had an extra present to make up for it. However, that conversation went so well that 6 years latter we are still in this exchange and now their poor behavior around gifts extends to our children, which is making my blood boil given our oldest is starting to realize that my ILs use gifts to show favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been pushing this for years. My ILs basically told my H to eff off when he suggested it to them. So that went well.

Sounds like they've really got the Christmas spirit in their hearts.

They probably were sick of someone not even blood-related to them "pushing this for years."

Your reading comprehension sucks. I said my husband suggested it to them. I never said a thing to them. I had asked my husband for years to end the exchange due to horrid behavior on the part of my in laws in regards to gifts, behavior that was so un-Christmas in spirit it left me dreading my favorite holiday. The final straw for him was when they called to complain that the box of presents had unequal numbers of gifts in it, despite the fact that my FIL had requested items that were significantly more costly than my MILs, so she had an extra present to make up for it. However, that conversation went so well that 6 years latter we are still in this exchange and now their poor behavior around gifts extends to our children, which is making my blood boil given our oldest is starting to realize that my ILs use gifts to show favoritism.

NP. You have poor life comprehension. If you don't think their exchange is healthy, and if it doesn't make you healthy, DON'T DO IT. Full stop. Period. You, and only you, are in charge of what you spend your money, time and mental energy on. Sounds like you and DH are on the same page about how you feel about this--that's a good thing. Now nut up or shut up: Are you going to perpetuate this problem, or are you going to disengage from it?

[Anonymous]

Christmas is out of control. Due to travel time/young kids, we stopped going to ILs on Christmas Day. This got us out of much of the sibling/aunt/uncle/cousin/etc. gift-giving/receiving by default. We give ILs each a gift during Christmas week (like a gift card for each IL to stores they frequent). They spend $30 per-person (to the penny) & fill stockings with junk from Walmart that we either donate or toss. There are 6 of us, so it would be very helpful to have that $180 to use for anything we might enjoy as a family, but it's no use. Or even a donation to charity in our name would be better than random Walmart cr@p. So wasteful, and it would be wonderful if we could just skip the entire ordeal.