We stopped exchanging gifts and I love it!

[Anonymous]

My family stopped doing gifts once I got to college or so. Life is so much easier this way at holidays. I dread going to DH's family because it is endless gift giving and receiving. But not in a thoughtful way. It's more like..."I know Aunt Shelly is going to get me something so we need to get her a giftcard." Exhausting...

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but I too would really love to hear people's advice about how, specifically, they got their families to agree to this. How did you broach the idea?

I am pretty certain my family would think we are selfish, lazy and cheap if I made this suggestion. The thinking would be, if everyone else in the family can make the effort (AND they all make less money than us) what is our problem? It doesn't help that my mom really loves shopping for gifts -- we end up with so much stuff we don't need or even like all that much. It would make her sad if we told her we didn't want to exchange gifts anymore, or even just limit it to the children.

Compounding the problem, my husband's family goes even more overboard than mine. We literally receive hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from his side of the family, and it is embarrassing that we don't spend as much on them, even though we buy a lot of individual presents for everyone -- and this happens EVERY year. I'm getting to the point where I really hate the holidays because we have over a dozen people to shop for, and each of them has to get multiple presents. Gift cards are a no go, it would be considered lazy and thoughtless. It is ridiculous. I hate it so much.

I just would really love to hear specific advice for how to deal with this issue with families where EVERYONE else seems to love buying tons of gifts for everyone, making the person who disagrees the spoilsport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but I too would really love to hear people's advice about how, specifically, they got their families to agree to this. How did you broach the idea?

I am pretty certain my family would think we are selfish, lazy and cheap if I made this suggestion. The thinking would be, if everyone else in the family can make the effort (AND they all make less money than us) what is our problem? It doesn't help that my mom really loves shopping for gifts -- we end up with so much stuff we don't need or even like all that much. It would make her sad if we told her we didn't want to exchange gifts anymore, or even just limit it to the children.

Compounding the problem, my husband's family goes even more overboard than mine. We literally receive hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from his side of the family, and it is embarrassing that we don't spend as much on them, even though we buy a lot of individual presents for everyone -- and this happens EVERY year. I'm getting to the point where I really hate the holidays because we have over a dozen people to shop for, and each of them has to get multiple presents. Gift cards are a no go, it would be considered lazy and thoughtless. It is ridiculous. I hate it so much.

I just would really love to hear specific advice for how to deal with this issue with families where EVERYONE else seems to love buying tons of gifts for everyone, making the person who disagrees the spoilsport.

It was easy in my family. As a child growing up I noticed that my grandparents gifted money to my parents and to us (they still do, as my grandparents are still living). When we got older (25+), my parents started gifting us money as well. They'd say "please buy a new washing machine/microwave/shop vac with this money." And voila! When kids were young we just asked for college money or if they actually needed anything, we'd have grandparents buy that. My mom is a little harder since she actually wants a real gift and enjoys opening things. But at least she's one person.

With DH's family we all have amazon wishlists and we all really enjoy buying off the wishlists. We put fun ideas up there, activities and things we'd like to get. We aren't greedy, but it ends up being things we'd buy anyways.

[Anonymous]

I would love to do this with my parents, but I don't think it will go over well.

My mom is like, oh, I don't need anything, you can just get me a gift card, your dad would like that too.

[Anonymous]

I've been pushing for this for a while. DH and I could care less if we get gifts at this point and have been trying to encourage family to give gifts only to our kids if they so choose to do. The gifts we've received from family over the past few years have more or less made their way to the Goodwill donation pile and I've noticed that the gifts I've given my parents over the years go unused or collect dust on their coffee table. My parents have everything they want, go to restaurants they like, can afford movies, etc. At this point, it feels like we're just going through the motions. My in-laws have given us stuff that costs more than we'd ever expect them to spend and most of the gifts don't suit our taste such as custom made items or jewelry that doesn't fit.

At this point, we simply don't have the excess funds to waste on gifts no one wants. I honestly don't even know what to gift people anymore. There is the idea of just mailing people cheaper Harry & David gifts right before Christmas but knowing my parents, unless it's perishable it will collect dust and before they know it, they'll have 5 year old crackers and jam. Not sure how to at least downsize the gift giving. I feel like we still need to give something to relatives who want to give our kids gifts. No way to break out of this politely, especially since we are a one income household right now. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

Amen! Why are you trying to push your way on someone else's family?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H's side of the family is huge. For many years we did a Secret Santa Exchange with Christmas ornaments. But after 10+ years of ornaments we were all done.

What we now do is a Shutterfly calendar. Each part of the family gets a couple of pages to decorate. It's fun to see pictures of the family we don't get to see a lot. Plus we add in all our birthdays so now we know when to say Happy Birthday. My son, who is 3, loves it and likes to look at the pictures and name everyone. It's much better than ornaments and can be enjoyed all year.

I love this idea. Totally going to steal it.

[Anonymous]

I am so jealous. Every year I tell my family and in-laws that I don't want or need any gifts. I have been accused of being selfish for not giving people ideas of what I want and I was making things too hard for others. Nobody believes me when I say I really don't want gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but I too would really love to hear people's advice about how, specifically, they got their families to agree to this. How did you broach the idea?

I am pretty certain my family would think we are selfish, lazy and cheap if I made this suggestion. The thinking would be, if everyone else in the family can make the effort (AND they all make less money than us) what is our problem? It doesn't help that my mom really loves shopping for gifts -- we end up with so much stuff we don't need or even like all that much. It would make her sad if we told her we didn't want to exchange gifts anymore, or even just limit it to the children.

Compounding the problem, my husband's family goes even more overboard than mine. We literally receive hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from his side of the family, and it is embarrassing that we don't spend as much on them, even though we buy a lot of individual presents for everyone -- and this happens EVERY year. I'm getting to the point where I really hate the holidays because we have over a dozen people to shop for, and each of them has to get multiple presents. Gift cards are a no go, it would be considered lazy and thoughtless. It is ridiculous. I hate it so much.

I just would really love to hear specific advice for how to deal with this issue with families where EVERYONE else seems to love buying tons of gifts for everyone, making the person who disagrees the spoilsport.

This sounds horrid. I will pray for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but I too would really love to hear people's advice about how, specifically, they got their families to agree to this. How did you broach the idea?

I am pretty certain my family would think we are selfish, lazy and cheap if I made this suggestion. The thinking would be, if everyone else in the family can make the effort (AND they all make less money than us) what is our problem? It doesn't help that my mom really loves shopping for gifts -- we end up with so much stuff we don't need or even like all that much. It would make her sad if we told her we didn't want to exchange gifts anymore, or even just limit it to the children.

Compounding the problem, my husband's family goes even more overboard than mine. We literally receive hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of gifts from his side of the family, and it is embarrassing that we don't spend as much on them, even though we buy a lot of individual presents for everyone -- and this happens EVERY year. I'm getting to the point where I really hate the holidays because we have over a dozen people to shop for, and each of them has to get multiple presents. Gift cards are a no go, it would be considered lazy and thoughtless. It is ridiculous. I hate it so much.

I just would really love to hear specific advice for how to deal with this issue with families where EVERYONE else seems to love buying tons of gifts for everyone, making the person who disagrees the spoilsport.

This sounds horrid. I will pray for you.

I wish I had some advice. I am in a similar situation. I am beginning to hate Christmas because it has become nothing but a gift buying occasion. The true meaning has been lost in my family. Family equates it with tons of presents. We all have more than we need. We end up buying gifts just for the sake of having a mound of presents beneath the tree. I find it so depressing.

[Anonymous]

My sister suggested that we stop exchanging gifts this year, at least temporarily. She's getting married and we're expecting a baby in Feb., and my parents are getting work done in their house, so everyone has a lot of expenses this year. However, we'll see if it actually works- my other sister is against the idea, and my mom keeps referring to it as "scaling back" which makes me think she's still buying stuff anyway!

That will never fly with my ILs though, they're a big gift giving family. I enjoy shopping for the niece/nephew but amongst the adults it does feel like we're just exchanging gift cards.

[Anonymous]

My aunts on my moms side of the family still give my siblings and I gifts- and we are in our 30s! It's exhausting, I never know what to get them so it usually ends up being good of some sort. The problem is too that it varies- a couple either give really thoughtful gifts or spend a lot of money, while the other just does something small like an ornament, so I never know how much is appropriate to spend. Two of the three typically only give us gifts years we are spending the holiday with that side of the family, the other will send us something in the mail every year regardless. Sobs and I have tried to put an end to it but it doesn't fly.

[Anonymous]

Oops "sibs" and I, not sobs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can *suggest* this approach to your husband's family, but why do you feel the need to *convince* them that it's the way to go? Great that it works for your family, but that approach is not right for every family.

Don't try to come in as "an outsider" and dictate their holiday. Suggest once, and if they like the idea, great! If they don't, fine!

OP here, my husband agrees with me. Of course we will look look the bad guys but we need to stop the nonsense. Our kids are older and want for nothing. We do not even see them. It really is exchanging gift cards.

It's not for you to "stop the nonsense." It may be nonsense TO YOU and it may be nonsense to YOUR HUSBAND, but that doesn't make it nonsense to his entire family. How self-absorbed and myopic can you be?!

*You are the outsider.* You do not get to dictate their holiday. Your *husband* can SUGGEST it to them. You two, together, can even announce, "Hey family, we get stressed by gifts, and will no longer be giving them. If you want to give to us, please make a donation to your favorite charity in our names." But you DO NOT get to dictate that someone else's family stop giving holiday gifts.