So upset my kid can't count to 20

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The question is, WHY did you decide to stay home?

Is it because you truly thought you would be able to handle household duties and childcare better than anyone else?

Or is it because you couldn't handle work?

Because you are very, very high-strung and anxious, and don't realize that you need medication?

My 5 year old can barely read three-letter words. On the other hand she counts beautifully (and adds, and subtracts multiple digits). We all have our strengths, and sometimes they're so awesome they take their sweet time to develop!

My 10 year old was born premature, had major development delays, and it turns out now, 10 years later, that he's gifted. At 4, we all thought he was low-IQ.

You see where I'm going with this?
It's not your child, it's you.

Relax, find a job, leave your beloved children to the professionals.

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

I found the transition to parenthood to be very, very difficult for precisely the sort of reasons you're describing: I was very good at what I did before I became a SAHM, and I was very results-driven, respected by others, and a bit of a "climber" (wanted people to appreciate and promote me). I started SAH when my first kid was born, and I had terrible PPD in part because of the major life shift and identity shift. I couldn't breastfeed and felt this was a personal affront to my capacity as a mother and that I would never "succeed" as a mother as a result, yet I had given up my treasured career to do it and felt I "had" to be a good mother. You sound exactly like me, but several years later.

I think you need to see a therapist and work on these issues. You also need to give it time. How long have you been SAH? It took me several years to really feel comfortable and confident in the position. I'm not saying you need to continue to force yourself to SAH if you hate it -- just that it can be a rough transition, so if you recently started SAH, you might need to give yourself a little more time before you can definitively say it's not for you.

Talking with a therapist and finding ways to seek out respect and purpose in my life outside of my children really helped me. Can you do some consulting work in your field so you're working PT or in short-term positions where you can do a lot from home in your "down time"? Or can you seek out some volunteer work that you feel passionate about? Having these things in your life may help you direct your perfectionism, drive, and competitiveness away from your kids, and that would be beneficial.

Ultimately, kids need support and love. They will get the other stuff in time. The PP who said you need to stop seeing your kids as an extension of yourself is right -- they are not a reflection of you as a parent or of your talents and abilities. And that's okay. What's important is that you love them and give them attention and support.

Is your kid in preschool? Leave the teaching up to the teachers there. You don't need to be stressing about it. And if you are, then hire a tutor like DH suggested. He's not being empathetic to your emotional needs when he suggests this, but it might be a logical answer to the rational question of teaching your kid things like numbers and reading. It would also free you up to just be Mom, not teacher. Perhaps you could relax more and just play with your kids and have fun if you felt someone else was doing this other stuff. And that's what you and your kids need most.

[Anonymous]

^^ oops meant to start my own thread! sorry, people!

[Anonymous]

You may as well call it a day, op. Your child is an utter failure doomed to go to a horrible school. Life as you know it is over.

[Anonymous]

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

Well, you're not the most imaginative troll, OP.

How long has it been since you've had really good sex? That's probably what's been blocking the creativity.

Come back after you've had some mind blowing sex, and the creative juices really start slowing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm upset that my four year old was diagnosed with speech apraxia last month and will require years of speech therapy. Get over yourself OP.

Good post. OP, I'm saying this gently ok? Your HHI probably puts you in the top ten percent of humans on this planet. You have a healthy and normal child. You have the luxury of not having to go to work. You don't have to cook. You don't have to clean. Your DH is supportive if you want to get a tutor even! You are extremely extremely blessed in life. More blessed than 99 percent of the entire world. Figure out a routine that includes activities that bring you joy, whether that is volunteering or working or gardening. Being a mother is a relationship. Let go of the guilt, and find ways to enjoy your time with your child. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

Well, you're not the most imaginative troll, OP.

How long has it been since you've had really good sex? That's probably what's been blocking the creativity.

Come back after you've had some mind blowing sex, and the creative juices really start slowing.

flowing--damn autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking of your child as an extension of yourself. That is a tough role for a child and you will end up disappointed and with a bad relationship. Children are who they are and our role as parents is to help them become the best version of themselves, not an extension or accessory of us.

It is only natural to want your kids to do better than yourself. Problem is that DH has a perfect resume and ridiculously high standards. I had equal high expectations for my children. Reality has sunk in. DH seems not to understand and is too busy to help. When he does spend time with the kids, he is trying to improve the children's tennis or golf. I am so frustrated and angry.

You've got to stop. You and your husband are not unique. Your children are who they are. Your expectations of them can really damage them. They are children and you will end up with a bad relationship with them that they will want to escape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm upset that my four year old was diagnosed with speech apraxia last month and will require years of speech therapy. Get over yourself OP.

Good post. OP, I'm saying this gently ok? Your HHI probably puts you in the top ten percent of humans on this planet. You have a healthy and normal child. You have the luxury of not having to go to work. You don't have to cook. You don't have to clean. Your DH is supportive if you want to get a tutor even! You are extremely extremely blessed in life. More blessed than 99 percent of the entire world. Figure out a routine that includes activities that bring you joy, whether that is volunteering or working or gardening. Being a mother is a relationship. Let go of the guilt, and find ways to enjoy your time with your child. Best of luck.

Probably more like top 0.00001%. The global median annual household income is about $10,000.

But even very rich people can have real problems, and I mean that sincerely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The question is, WHY did you decide to stay home?

Is it because you truly thought you would be able to handle household duties and childcare better than anyone else?

Or is it because you couldn't handle work?

Because you are very, very high-strung and anxious, and don't realize that you need medication?

My 5 year old can barely read three-letter words. On the other hand she counts beautifully (and adds, and subtracts multiple digits). We all have our strengths, and sometimes they're so awesome they take their sweet time to develop!

My 10 year old was born premature, had major development delays, and it turns out now, 10 years later, that he's gifted. At 4, we all thought he was low-IQ.

You see where I'm going with this?
It's not your child, it's you.

Relax, find a job, leave your beloved children to the professionals.

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

Ah ha. You have a DH problem. Someone who doesn't want to cut back on his professional life, and has no interest in sympathizing with yours?

You could divorce. You could go back to work. You could apply that terrific brain to early childhood education (read up on the subject, and start applying a method, with tons if patience). I've a feeling you came into this thinking parenting and housekeeping would be easy compared to your other jobs. No, they're not.
Also, maybe it will get better when your child is older, and you find more intellectual ways of relating to him (because truthfully you don't seem flexible enough to deal with the exigencies of young children - high-strung, pushy smart people often don't).

I often wonder how I got myself into this situation. I admit that I am impatient and high strung. I'm very Type A. I do know that I love my children more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I often wonder how I got myself into this situation. I admit that I am impatient and high strung. I'm very Type A. I do know that I love my children more than anything.

The more important question right now is how to get yourself out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4yo preschooler can't count to 20. We count together constantly and he just can't seem to remember. DH and I are both ivy league educated and both our children are below average. I quit my job to focus on the kids and they are still behind. I feel like a terrible mother and failure. All these other mothers are bragging how their kids can read chapter books and my kid can't even count to 20.

Um not really developmentally appropriate. How about giving the kid some space to grow?

[Anonymous]

Agree with many of the PPs that it is the shift to SAH that is your problem.

Also the fact that you are English speaking.

I kid, but not really. English makes learning to count more difficult because the teens are backwards and illogical - it's why so many children have trouble with it. We teach them to count to ten in a base 10 number system and then we throw eleven and twelve at them? What do those random words even mean? And it's not much better after that - of COURSE a kid is going to thing 'Four Teen' is 41. Kids have it much easier in languages that effectively number these things 'Ten One', 'Ten Two', 'Ten Three', etc. the way it should be. English gets its act together by the twenties, but the damage is done by then.

Read a study that it's a similar problem with kids learning colors. English puts the adjective BEFORE the noun and that makes it much harder to learn because you haven't directed your kid to the object before you name the color. So kids much more readily learn colors if you direct their attention to the object in question before mentioning the color, i.e. if you say 'the ball is read' versus 'the red ball'

[Anonymous]

OP- I can empathize with your frustration but you really need to calm down and relax. My DS couldn't count to 20 when he was that age either and to be honest, it kind of bothered me too. But now at age 5 1/2, he can count to 100+, and he is one of the most advanced readers in his Kindergarten class. He is reading chapter books. The point is, he will count to 20 when he is ready. He will also read and do other things when HE is ready. And just because he can't count to 20 now does not mean he is "below average." That is a big leap you made.

Keep calm and keep it fun for him. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

This is a troll because someone who is an ivyleaguesmartypants would know that developmentally most children catch up by the 3rd grade and the playing field levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with many of the PPs that it is the shift to SAH that is your problem.

Also the fact that you are English speaking.

I kid, but not really. English makes learning to count more difficult because the teens are backwards and illogical - it's why so many children have trouble with it. We teach them to count to ten in a base 10 number system and then we throw eleven and twelve at them? What do those random words even mean? And it's not much better after that - of COURSE a kid is going to thing 'Four Teen' is 41. Kids have it much easier in languages that effectively number these things 'Ten One', 'Ten Two', 'Ten Three', etc. the way it should be. English gets its act together by the twenties, but the damage is done by then.

Read a study that it's a similar problem with kids learning colors. English puts the adjective BEFORE the noun and that makes it much harder to learn because you haven't directed your kid to the object before you name the color. So kids much more readily learn colors if you direct their attention to the object in question before mentioning the color, i.e. if you say 'the ball is read' versus 'the red ball'

PP, you have said this in multiple posts on DCUM, and I think what your posts mostly indicate is that you are not a native English speaker and that your native language does things differently than English does. Unless you have research support for this? There are plenty of languages in the world that don't count ten-one, ten-two, as well as plenty of languages that don't put the word(s) describing the thing after the thing. (I'm half-expecting you to say next that no wonder gender identity isn't fixed in English-speaking children until age 4 or 5, given that the general lack of gender in English grammar.)