So upset my kid can't count to 20

[Anonymous]

You need to stop thinking of your child as an extension of yourself. That is a tough role for a child and you will end up disappointed and with a bad relationship. Children are who they are and our role as parents is to help them become the best version of themselves, not an extension or accessory of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4yo preschooler can't count to 20. We count together constantly and he just can't seem to remember. DH and I are both ivy league educated and both our children are below average. I quit my job to focus on the kids and they are still behind. I feel like a terrible mother and failure. All these other mothers are bragging how their kids can read chapter books and my kid can't even count to 20.

Things might be better for you and for the kids if you went back to work at least part-time. I don't mean that to be nasty. I mean it as sincere, well-meant advice.

+1

Not everyone is cut out to SAH. And not everyone is cut out to teach kids.

Be kind to yourself and go back to work and outsource this.

I struggled with work life balance for years. DH and I both had very demanding careers and something had to give. We outsourced absolutely everything when I was still working. DH earns a 7 figure income so it made sense for me to stay home. I seriously don't think I am cut out for parenting. I resent DH for being able to pursue his ambitions while I am home failing. At the same time, I would be miserable if I had a successful career while not spending enough time with the children. I just can't win. I am probably depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4yo preschooler can't count to 20. We count together constantly and he just can't seem to remember. DH and I are both ivy league educated and both our children are below average. I quit my job to focus on the kids and they are still behind. I feel like a terrible mother and failure. All these other mothers are bragging how their kids can read chapter books and my kid can't even count to 20.

Things might be better for you and for the kids if you went back to work at least part-time. I don't mean that to be nasty. I mean it as sincere, well-meant advice.

+1

Not everyone is cut out to SAH. And not everyone is cut out to teach kids.

Be kind to yourself and go back to work and outsource this.

I struggled with work life balance for years. DH and I both had very demanding careers and something had to give. We outsourced absolutely everything when I was still working. DH earns a 7 figure income so it made sense for me to stay home. I seriously don't think I am cut out for parenting. I resent DH for being able to pursue his ambitions while I am home failing. At the same time, I would be miserable if I had a successful career while not spending enough time with the children. I just can't win. I am probably depressed.

Then get the depression treated or figure out a way to be different. Because a 4 year old who can't count to 20 shouldn't matter. Evaluate yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm upset that my four year old was diagnosed with speech apraxia last month and will require years of speech therapy. Get over yourself OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I struggled with work life balance for years. DH and I both had very demanding careers and something had to give. We outsourced absolutely everything when I was still working. DH earns a 7 figure income so it made sense for me to stay home. I seriously don't think I am cut out for parenting. I resent DH for being able to pursue his ambitions while I am home failing. At the same time, I would be miserable if I had a successful career while not spending enough time with the children. I just can't win. I am probably depressed.

If you are not happy as a stay-at-home mother, then it does NOT make sense for you to stay home. But if you stay home nonetheless, then if your husband earns a seven-figure income, you can still afford to outsource absolutely everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 4yo preschooler can't count to 20. We count together constantly and he just can't seem to remember. DH and I are both ivy league educated and both our children are below average. I quit my job to focus on the kids and they are still behind. I feel like a terrible mother and failure. All these other mothers are bragging how their kids can read chapter books and my kid can't even count to 20.

Things might be better for you and for the kids if you went back to work at least part-time. I don't mean that to be nasty. I mean it as sincere, well-meant advice.

+1

Not everyone is cut out to SAH. And not everyone is cut out to teach kids.

Be kind to yourself and go back to work and outsource this.

I struggled with work life balance for years. DH and I both had very demanding careers and something had to give. We outsourced absolutely everything when I was still working. DH earns a 7 figure income so it made sense for me to stay home. I seriously don't think I am cut out for parenting. I resent DH for being able to pursue his ambitions while I am home failing. At the same time, I would be miserable if I had a successful career while not spending enough time with the children. I just can't win. I am probably depressed.

Why don't you get something low-key and part-time? Why don't you sit on the board of a few cultural arts organizations, or other charitable institutions? With your financial and educational profile, people would welcome you with open arms. You'd be in a position of power, and do some good in the world.

The 120K HHI version of this is me, stay-at-home mother, and on the elementary school PTA board. This is how I exercise these graduate degreed neurons of mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The question is, WHY did you decide to stay home?

Is it because you truly thought you would be able to handle household duties and childcare better than anyone else?

Or is it because you couldn't handle work?

Because you are very, very high-strung and anxious, and don't realize that you need medication?

My 5 year old can barely read three-letter words. On the other hand she counts beautifully (and adds, and subtracts multiple digits). We all have our strengths, and sometimes they're so awesome they take their sweet time to develop!

My 10 year old was born premature, had major development delays, and it turns out now, 10 years later, that he's gifted. At 4, we all thought he was low-IQ.

You see where I'm going with this?
It's not your child, it's you.

Relax, find a job, leave your beloved children to the professionals.

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

[Anonymous]

OMG, those kids can't read chapter books. They can "read" chapter books.

Each of our kids excel in different things. Find at what your kid is brilliant at doing and brag about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The question is, WHY did you decide to stay home?

Is it because you truly thought you would be able to handle household duties and childcare better than anyone else?

Or is it because you couldn't handle work?

Because you are very, very high-strung and anxious, and don't realize that you need medication?

My 5 year old can barely read three-letter words. On the other hand she counts beautifully (and adds, and subtracts multiple digits). We all have our strengths, and sometimes they're so awesome they take their sweet time to develop!

My 10 year old was born premature, had major development delays, and it turns out now, 10 years later, that he's gifted. At 4, we all thought he was low-IQ.

You see where I'm going with this?
It's not your child, it's you.

Relax, find a job, leave your beloved children to the professionals.

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

Its ok to hire a tutor. Its ok to get help. I cannot imagine parenting alone. You may also want to go to an academic based school where it is taught.

[Anonymous]

Three pages and no Legally Blonde reference? This is a sad night on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 4yo preschooler can't count to 20. We count together constantly and he just can't seem to remember. DH and I are both ivy league educated and both our children are below average. I quit my job to focus on the kids and they are still behind. I feel like a terrible mother and failure. All these other mothers are bragging how their kids can read chapter books and my kid can't even count to 20.

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

OP, there are lots of issues here, none of which are that your four-year-old can't count to 20. I suggest that you focus on those issues. Let's start with

1. the things you base your sense of self-worth on -- do you need a lot of external validation?
2. your husband's idea (or so I infer) that his contribution to the family begins and ends with his seven-figure income.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else? I was always in GT classes as a kid and now, raising my own kid, I think it's an absurd title. I hate when parents describe their kids who excel academically as "gifted." All kids have "gifts" and "talents." Why not have a class called "Math 2" instead of "GT Math"? I just think it's bizarre, esp. since research shows labeling kids this way makes them risk-averse and afraid of trying things that are difficult for them because they don't want to lose the "smart one" label.

My own kid is just a baby now so this is not about any perceived personal failure -- just ranting as I think about what lies ahead in terms of schools in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The question is, WHY did you decide to stay home?

Is it because you truly thought you would be able to handle household duties and childcare better than anyone else?

Or is it because you couldn't handle work?

Because you are very, very high-strung and anxious, and don't realize that you need medication?

My 5 year old can barely read three-letter words. On the other hand she counts beautifully (and adds, and subtracts multiple digits). We all have our strengths, and sometimes they're so awesome they take their sweet time to develop!

My 10 year old was born premature, had major development delays, and it turns out now, 10 years later, that he's gifted. At 4, we all thought he was low-IQ.

You see where I'm going with this?
It's not your child, it's you.

Relax, find a job, leave your beloved children to the professionals.

I have always excelled at everything except parenting. I was at MD level and can handle work. Our family problem is that DH is very successful and works a lot of hours. He did not share any child duties with me. Whenever I have a complaint, he tells me to throw money at the problem. Even now, he is suggesting that I hire a tutor.

Ah ha. You have a DH problem. Someone who doesn't want to cut back on his professional life, and has no interest in sympathizing with yours?

You could divorce. You could go back to work. You could apply that terrific brain to early childhood education (read up on the subject, and start applying a method, with tons if patience). I've a feeling you came into this thinking parenting and housekeeping would be easy compared to your other jobs. No, they're not.
Also, maybe it will get better when your child is older, and you find more intellectual ways of relating to him (because truthfully you don't seem flexible enough to deal with the exigencies of young children - high-strung, pushy smart people often don't).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to stop thinking of your child as an extension of yourself. That is a tough role for a child and you will end up disappointed and with a bad relationship. Children are who they are and our role as parents is to help them become the best version of themselves, not an extension or accessory of us.

It is only natural to want your kids to do better than yourself. Problem is that DH has a perfect resume and ridiculously high standards. I had equal high expectations for my children. Reality has sunk in. DH seems not to understand and is too busy to help. When he does spend time with the kids, he is trying to improve the children's tennis or golf. I am so frustrated and angry.