Help me convince DH that this is the fairest way to settle Christmas issues...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When couples marry they need to start their own holiday traditions that do not involve going to parents/in laws houses. You have your own house now and three children and the time has come to spend holidays at your house and start your own traditions. Also, remember this when your children have their own families and do not guilt the,m into spending holidays with you.

+1

My DH and I did this early in our relationship. We just told everyone when/if we were coming, and that was that. No one gets dibs, stipulations or whatever else. We decide what we are doing (his family, my family, or our own home) and that is that.

[Anonymous]

This is one reason why we don't travel for Christmas. I think what you've proposed is more than reasonable.

You staying home this year is reasonable and makes sense. There are no "stipulations." You make your offer to have them too and if they decline, that's up to them. You carry on next year as you would (or wait the two years to get back on schedule).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once tue kids were in the prime Santa years, we stopped travelling and did Christmas Eve/morning in our own house.

This. We did the same; told all they were welcome to join us (and for parents we'd even pay, if it involved a flight), but doing this was the best thing we could have done for our kids.

[Anonymous]

I think you are going to find your kids want to have Xmas at home -- ours do. There's nothing like being at home in your bed and going downstairs on Xmas morning.

I'm a big believer in families building their own holiday traditions. It sounds like it may be time for this in your home.

[Anonymous]

Do DHs parents and your parents like each other? Are DH's parents able to travel?

If the the answers are "yes," why not host everyone at your place next year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do DHs parents and your parents like each other? Are DH's parents able to travel?

If the the answers are "yes," why not host everyone at your place next year?

What a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

How can you convince your husband that the fairest way to handle this is to do everything you want and disregard what he might want?

I think fairness is not your goal.

[Anonymous]

I'm totally with you on your plan, OP. I would not agree to stipulations for next year. Your life may be totally different with 3 kids. I would ABSOLUTELY NOT want to travel 6.5 hours in the car with 2 kids while 7.5 months pregnant. No way. Unfortunately, I don't know how to get your husband to come around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do DHs parents and your parents like each other? Are DH's parents able to travel?

If the the answers are "yes," why not host everyone at your place next year?

What a nightmare.

pp you sound lazy

[Anonymous]

So difficult when in laws start stipulating and demanding. This happened when we had our first. My in laws required us to travel up north for all of Christmas. We were stranded so many times with our baby at the airport for hours. They never cared. By the time I had my second I was done with their demands. The bad hing was they came every Christmas without fail and stayed for weeks at a time. It's still happening but at least my kids stay home for Santa. It's really a huge point of resentment for me. I wish families would think about things before reacting about holidays.

[Anonymous]

I think the danger with having a rigid schedule of "we do this on the even years and that in the odd years" is exactly what the OP is encountering. Having young families means developing flexibility. If you are asking everyone to be flexible with you because of the pregnancy then you can't expect them to grant you rigidity with this schedule.

I absolutely think the best policy is Christmas Day is to be at home and travel on the other days.

And also recognize now that no matter what you do in a family to be "fair" everyone usually feels ripped off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once tue kids were in the prime Santa years, we stopped travelling and did Christmas Eve/morning in our own house.

This.

[Anonymous]

Santa can be anywhere, but memories for you and your family in your new home. Stand your ground and invite all who can come to your house. As your parents age, they might not be able to come to you and you can go to them then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll go ahead and throw my dilemma on the DCUM pile and try to crowdsource an answer. We've split Christmas between our two families for the past 8 years. His parents (whom I love) live about 6.5 hours away; my parents are local. I would like to spend this Christmas at our own house even though it is a travel year because it is our first Christmas in our new house, and I will be 7.5 months pregnant with our third baby (other kids are 4.5 and 2.5). DH agrees with me on this. He told his parents about it-we invited them up to stay for the whole holiday (Xmas eve, day, etc). DH's brother is also local in Arlington. His parents and brother declined to do this; they will have their regular Christmas at home, then come up on the 26th, like they do when it's my parents' turn to host. HOWEVER, their stipulation is that next year we travel to them. I cannot agree to that-that is my family's year, and I'd be missing the holiday with my parents, my sister and her family, and my brother. I also would like to spend another Christmas in our own house-although DH grew up traveling every single Christmas, all of my Christmases were in my own house, and we'd like our kids to experience both.

DH says he sees his parents' point-they don't want to wait until Christmas of 2017 to have us all back to their house. However, as I said, going down there for Christmas 2016 will totally put us out of sync with the rest of my family, which I don't think is fair to me or my kids. My solution is that for the next 2 Christmases (2015/2016), we stay put in our own house. This Christmas we give his parents rights of first refusal. Next year, my parents get it (although they are local, we always go to their house to stay over on Xmas eve). My sister, parents, and brother can all choose whether they'd like to come to our place for 2016 Xmas eve/morning and dinner, or stay at my parents' house instead. Then 2017, a travel year, we would go back down to my in-laws.

Because this is an emotionally-fraught topic, my DH and I are butting heads. I love his parents almost as much as mine, and would really like to find a workable solution. Do you think mine is fair? If not, what seems fair to you? Thanks if you are still reading and sorry it's so long!

How many other sibs does DH have? Time for DH to consider your house his home. Father of 2 and 1 on the way? Does he use this time to meet up with all his high school friends and do they have big get togethers with a bunch on extended family at this place 6.5 hours away?

Why don't you sleep at your own house on Christmas Eve if your parents are local? Or why don't they sleep at your house? OMG. Your kids are oold enough to come down and find their gifts under their Christmas tree or do you even put on up? The true workable solution is for both sets of grandparents to realize YOU and DH are adults and parents. Time for them to accept the role of Grandparents. 6.5 hour carride with little kids and a 7.5 month pregnant wife is just silly.

[Anonymous]

DH and I decided we would always be in our home for Christmas. DHs parents and two siblings are all local, as is my mom. My brother is across the country, so really it is just his family I won't see. We also decided we are not running around on Christmas day to see all sides of the family. Someone will have to wait.