In laws lifestyle 'hobby' vis a vis our children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't need to know the name of the sport but it's hard to tell what the real issue is because you haven't adequately identified what the issues are. If your ILs have otherwise been including you and your DH in activities and are a welcomed member of the family, I have no problem with them wanting to do something 'special' with the grandkids - and just them. However, if your ILs have a practice of excluding you or condescending, you have an IL problem and I would never encourage a relationship with someone who is disrespectful to me. And, in the case of the latter, you just don't have an IL problem, you have a DH problem.

I would also do as a PP suggested and ask:

"I'm curious, Bert/Bertha, why you never invited me all this years, yet now you want to invite the children? You know I grew up around polo, don't you?".

OP here, this is really it for me. It has nothing to do with the sport, although for whatever reasons they mind their manners in most scenarios, with this particular activity they are strangled with conceit. It does not have to do with class differences, many members of their extended family struggle financially and are quite coarse.

For the record, I have asked that question. They have never been able to respond. It's just weird.

I'm the PP you're quoting. This latest post by you is as unclear as the others. You bolded my statement on them being disrespectful but offer no examples. It appears you have conflated what you perceive is their conceit with this sport and with their desire to do this sport with your kids. I still have no idea what the foundational issue is - or where your DH is in this. Or, are you a DH and this is your DW's parents?

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could remind us what the question was. You are getting defensive about what basically seems to be an issue that your in-laws don't like you very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A whole lotta something about a whole lotta nothing.

Sometimes the women here like to pretend they married royalty. So full of s ....

And we have a winner!!! Calling it a night. Thanks folks.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, OP, you are being oddly cloak and daggers with this, and in any event--if it's been going on for more than a decade, your time to bitch about it is over. You seem really down on your inlaws for being conceited, but I do have to wonder if you've spurned your working class roots by accepting handouts from them. My guess is yes.

[Anonymous]

It must be cricket.

[Anonymous]

I would assume that it's just an activity the grandparents really want to share with their grandchildren out of tradition or to bond, and that they Sally wouldn't think to include other family members. I don't really get the problem. Maybe they just want time with the grandchildren and a special connection. Maybe they don't like you. Maybe they assume that children (not adults) are properly hosted for these types of activities. Any way you slice it, doesn't seem like a big deal to me.

[Anonymous]

1. Do NOT write a letter.
2. You have not answered where your husband is in all this.
3. They are not being bullies. Let's not be silly here.
4. You are lame to not name the sport.
5. Just tell them "No, Larla and Larlo can't go. I'm uncomfortable letting them go with you somewhere you don't welcome me. It'd be one thing if I were welcome but chose not to go, but that's not the case here. If you were in my position, you would feel the same way."
6. Then let this go.

[Anonymous]

Op, a few general guidelines: Do not write a letter - ever. no no no. Nothing should be written. Just as a standard say, "the children are busy". If they want more of a conversation/explanation, that is your DH's job. They are his parents. But he has to support you on your decision and not be afraid of making mommy & daddy mad (often a problem if dependence on money is an issue or inheritance). If you want to do the sport with your kids, fine. Don't overthink this. exposure to -whatever it is- will not make or break your future. No one gets to raise you children without your permission. No one gets that power no matter what the activity is or how much money they have.

[Anonymous]

I would be more worried that you are teaching your kids to be passive-aggressive and insecure by your inability to just let them enjoy an activity with their grandparents. I suspect you feel negatively about it because your husband hates it. Don't let him make you the scapegoat anymore so he doesn't have to be upfront with his own feelings toward his parents. If he can't tell them no and set boundaries, don't get involved. You will always lose that battle and be even more alienated from the extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, OP, you are being oddly cloak and daggers with this, and in any event--if it's been going on for more than a decade, your time to bitch about it is over. You seem really down on your inlaws for being conceited, but I do have to wonder if you've spurned your working class roots by accepting handouts from them. My guess is yes.

The writing style of many of the responses suggests a sock puppet.

What does your insane sentence even mean, "spurn relatives by accepting handouts" ? How does that work?

If I had working class relatives, I am sure they would be glad for me to get handouts. Can you tell me why I would need handouts, in the first place?

What other absurd advice do you have??!!

I feel like you are grasping at straws because this somehow hits home for you. It is a ridiculous topic, but isnt that great for an anonymous forum? i was expecting silly reponses, but not some idiot trying to argue over and over the particulars using particular language. Whoever you are, I feel sorry for you.

Fwiw, the one or two sensible responses have been helpful. Sorry for Beijing out a troll with a dumb topic.

Pp, I hope you can get therapy. Soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Do NOT write a letter.
2. You have not answered where your husband is in all this.
3. They are not being bullies. Let's not be silly here.
4. You are lame to not name the sport.
5. Just tell them "No, Larla and Larlo can't go. I'm uncomfortable letting them go with you somewhere you don't welcome me. It'd be one thing if I were welcome but chose not to go, but that's not the case here. If you were in my position, you would feel the same way."
6. Then let this go.

Yes, she did, 17:48

[Anonymous]

Well OP it's been fun trying to guess which sport. I'm going to go with horseback riding sailing or bicycling because there's some bicycles snobs out there. It would be a heck to the no for me. Not taking my kids to do something dangerous without including me and being disrespectful at the same time. No just no

[Anonymous]

This is a complicated situation that I think just requires you to be the bigger person. You don't want to cut your kids off from an enriching activity with their grandparents, so you are going to have to swallow some pride and be a bit of a buttinsky and stand up for yourself a bit more than you might like.

First of all, I would NOT write a letter or accuse them. They will just deny it and you will end up looking like the crazy one.

So I suggest just pretending like things are normal and TELL them that you will be coming along riding or sailing. And then just wait it out while you prove that you are as good as they are. Then take your kids for whatever rustic version that you grew up with.

As far as understanding why they act this way - it sounds like for whatever reason they REALLY identify with their rich East Coast version of this thing. So try to see it less as snobbery and more of an identity thing. Totally obnoxious but maybe that will make it easier to take - this is about them finding a sense of belonging more than the sport.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Well OP it's been fun trying to guess which sport. I'm going to go with horseback riding sailing or bicycling because there's some bicycles snobs out there. It would be a heck to the no for me. Not taking my kids to do something dangerous without including me and being disrespectful at the same time. No just no

But she's been letting this go on for 14 years! To object now is insane. Her in-laws AND her kids will hate her for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Well OP it's been fun trying to guess which sport. I'm going to go with horseback riding sailing or bicycling because there's some bicycles snobs out there. It would be a heck to the no for me. Not taking my kids to do something dangerous without including me and being disrespectful at the same time. No just no

But she's been letting this go on for 14 years! To object now is insane. Her in-laws AND her kids will hate her for it.

This isn't how it works. You are clearly not a parent. Screw the in laws, who cares about them. This is about a toxic pattern being carried on, and the identtiy thing pp.mentioned, they want to imprint the children.

Op mentioned they don't have much money anymore, so it sounds like they are clinging g to a framer glory via this sport and it's small group of people.