Recess: son feels blackballed at recess - what can he do to to keep busy?

[Anonymous]

op here:
Thank you dcum!! (Again)

It is really consuming seeing (our) kids struggle.

[Anonymous]

This is heartbreaking, but also one of those moments that can help your child build resiliency - a skill that will benefit him for life.

Since it doesn't sound like there is bullying going on, I'd do as others suggested and focus on helping him identify something to do to occupy his time pleasantly and possibly draw others in. Some ideas include:

A book

Origami (this is ALL THE RAGE with my son and his 3rd grade friends)

hackey-sack (solo play but also likely to draw others in)

Yo-Yo (teach him some cool tricks)

Paper airplanes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

Says the parent of twins who have each other to keep them company.

[Anonymous]

I've been there with one of my kids and I've been the teacher in this situation helping to get the child connected. Here are things that have helped my own child or my old students:

1.) Find out how your child is trying to connect-barging, asking to play at beginning or middle when it hard to join in. Will he follow the rules of a game already decided upon?

2.) What does your child like to play? Does he like to do things the other kids do? My son is quirky and has these elaborate and endearing play scenarios that interest NOBODY so they rejected him when he asked them to join. One boy invited him to play his game and DS refused so we had to work on flexibility.

3.) Does your son like playing sports? Mine does, but he is highly uncoordinated. We worked on balls skills on weekends and now he sometimes plays with a group of boys at recess.

4.) Does your son enjoy alone time? Ours does, but we had to give him a limit at school because recess is such a good time to learn social skills.

5.) Ask the teacher for input. Maybe your son is playing with others. Maybe she/he knows other kids who he might connect with or maybe she can ask the counselor to help out with a group.

6.) When you hear your child is connecting, have a playdate and keep is short, sweet and fun so the kids don't get sick of eachother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been there with one of my kids and I've been the teacher in this situation helping to get the child connected. Here are things that have helped my own child or my old students:

1.) Find out how your child is trying to connect-barging, asking to play at beginning or middle when it hard to join in. Will he follow the rules of a game already decided upon?

2.) What does your child like to play? Does he like to do things the other kids do? My son is quirky and has these elaborate and endearing play scenarios that interest NOBODY so they rejected him when he asked them to join. One boy invited him to play his game and DS refused so we had to work on flexibility.

3.) Does your son like playing sports? Mine does, but he is highly uncoordinated. We worked on balls skills on weekends and now he sometimes plays with a group of boys at recess.

4.) Does your son enjoy alone time? Ours does, but we had to give him a limit at school because recess is such a good time to learn social skills.

5.) Ask the teacher for input. Maybe your son is playing with others. Maybe she/he knows other kids who he might connect with or maybe she can ask the counselor to help out with a group.

6.) When you hear your child is connecting, have a playdate and keep is short, sweet and fun so the kids don't get sick of eachother.

Posting again because I left out a suggestion that worked well with my son and students. See if a teacher or instructional assistant the other boys think is cool is ever at recess. A 20 something IA who all the kids like would help our son get a ball game going now and then and this guy was a magnet for the other boys. If he saw anyone being rude he addressed it and it stopped and if our son did something that alienated the other kids he would correct and coach. He just did this a few times because he can't just devote all his time to my kid, but those few times helped our son build confidence.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, are you sure this is really happening? My son gave me this same story last year. I was heart broken. And then when talking to a few other moms, they said their kids said the same thing. So either they are exaggerating or the playground is full of kids just wandering around not playing with each other.

After digging a little deeper, my son finally admitted that he just doesn't understand their games or doesn't like their games. We had a talk about how sometimes you have to play games you don't like, its not all about you. A year later, he doesn't talk like he is king of the social circle, but he seems to be able to hold his own at recess.

And, at some point he asked for a fit bit, so if nothing else, he can walk around and try to get his steps up : )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, are you sure this is really happening? My son gave me this same story last year. I was heart broken. And then when talking to a few other moms, they said their kids said the same thing. So either they are exaggerating or the playground is full of kids just wandering around not playing with each other.

After digging a little deeper, my son finally admitted that he just doesn't understand their games or doesn't like their games. We had a talk about how sometimes you have to play games you don't like, its not all about you. A year later, he doesn't talk like he is king of the social circle, but he seems to be able to hold his own at recess.

And, at some point he asked for a fit bit, so if nothing else, he can walk around and try to get his steps up : )

It really might be happening to OP's kid, but I agree to get the whole story. I used to teach elementary school and a parent came to complain her child was not being included at recess. I was a young teacher who loved to go out to recess with my class and play kickball or handball. I would make sure everyone was included in my class but this boy didn't want to play kickball with the established rules. He wanted to be able to run around the bases the other way when it wasn't his turn to kick, or wanted to pick up the ball and throw it at a kid instead of tagging the runner out. He didn't want to play by the rules so in his mind no one wanted to play with him. Or he wanted to play one game that no one else wanted to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, are you sure this is really happening? My son gave me this same story last year. I was heart broken. And then when talking to a few other moms, they said their kids said the same thing. So either they are exaggerating or the playground is full of kids just wandering around not playing with each other.

After digging a little deeper, my son finally admitted that he just doesn't understand their games or doesn't like their games. We had a talk about how sometimes you have to play games you don't like, its not all about you. A year later, he doesn't talk like he is king of the social circle, but he seems to be able to hold his own at recess.

And, at some point he asked for a fit bit, so if nothing else, he can walk around and try to get his steps up : )

It really might be happening to OP's kid, but I agree to get the whole story. I used to teach elementary school and a parent came to complain her child was not being included at recess. I was a young teacher who loved to go out to recess with my class and play kickball or handball. I would make sure everyone was included in my class but this boy didn't want to play kickball with the established rules. He wanted to be able to run around the bases the other way when it wasn't his turn to kick, or wanted to pick up the ball and throw it at a kid instead of tagging the runner out. He didn't want to play by the rules so in his mind no one wanted to play with him. Or he wanted to play one game that no one else wanted to play.

Interesting.

[Anonymous]

I don't have great advice but understand what you are going through. I have a 2nd grader and hear all about these clubs and teams than form at recess. There is so much boy drama. It's very real to them. Rocks and crystals are interesting to a bunch of them now. They find them in their yards and compare. Another idea if he's not into sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

Pokémon is banned at most schools.

According to whom? How do you know this? They are not banned at our school.

Not the PP, but we're at a MCPS ES and kids are not allowed to bring Pokemon cards to school.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me in elementary school (being excluded from groups of kids playing together) and affected my self-confidence for many years - maybe even into adulthood. I never got any support from my parents or a school counselor, though I was embarrassed to ask for help. If a child is asking for help, I think some kind of support like a "lunch bunch" is well worth pursuing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

Pokémon is banned at most schools.

According to whom? How do you know this? They are not banned at our school.

Not the PP, but we're at a MCPS ES and kids are not allowed to bring Pokemon cards to school.

+1 I posted the same thing.

[Anonymous]

This is why parents pay thousands for after school sports clubs and activities