Recess: son feels blackballed at recess - what can he do to to keep busy?

[Anonymous]

Exclusive "clubs" formed - he really has no one.

I realize this is a short term solution but kids problems are huge to them day by day.

[Anonymous]

How old is he? We need some more information.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Some kids are such jerks.

How old? I suspect it will pass pretty quickly, as that kind of exclusion thing targeting one kid usually does.

Does your son like reading? Bringing a book he's really into for a few days could help him feel occupied and independent.

Or if he likes baseball, he could bring a tennis ball and throw off the wall himself.

My approach would be to help him find a way to be OK being on his own until this phase passes, which it will. Exclusion seems less fun when the kid being excluded doesn't offer the excluders the pleasure of seeming powerful.

I'd talk with him about this--that some kids can only feel good about themselves by being mean to other kids. That it will pass. That learning to be comfortable on his own is not a bad thing. That having this sort of experience will make him a more empathetic person. My parents gave me a similar talk when a bunch of girls excluded me in 5th grade, and I still look back on it as a touchstone--a moment when I started to understand how temporary this crap is.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'd go in immediately and talk to his teachers, the principal, and the school counselor. This type of exclusionary behavior is considered bullying. That, or I would question whether I want my child to a school where this sort of behavior is acceptable. You might consider sending your child to a school where the kids have proper home training in inclusion, kindness and mindfulness.

[Anonymous]

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

[Anonymous]

I'd talk with the teacher to ask about who in his class might be a good potential friend. Then encourage the friendship--host a playdate.

[Anonymous]

I think it is definitely worth mentioning to the teacher. At the same time, maybe encourage your child to take a book to school if he likes to read? My son often reads at recess. Sometimes he plays with others, sometimes he needs his own quiet time.

[Anonymous]

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

[Anonymous]

My son is having the EXACT same problem in 5th. Really, it is an issue for him every year unless he happens to have one of his two friends in his class (has only happened once). It is early in the year so it seems like now is the time to get on a good path. I have emailed my son's teacher to ask her to help facilitate friendships with boys who have similar interests. I like the book idea, but it can be hard to sit alone reading when everyone else is running around having fun. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

I agree I don't think he should have to change but faking it until he is confident seems like a short term idea. Just trying to muddle through the day.
You know?


Is being exclusive (not letting my kid take the test so he can be in the club) something a school could really control? Seems like elementary school through the ages. 'Cept for private schools that foster friendship & community.

I learned it has been going on for just 2 days but he already dreads school.

Just a bummer the school is so small. 40 kids per grade. Figure half boys. They've known each other for ages and probably are sadly pigeon held for the remainder of 3 years before middle school. Now even the "nice, quiet, shy kids" have shut him out. He did what I said and jumped in their game of tag and they told him "what are you doing???" Kids can be A-holes.

I will talk to guidance counselor about the situation. I should take him to a therapist. Long over due.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry. Some kids are such jerks.

How old? I suspect it will pass pretty quickly, as that kind of exclusion thing targeting one kid usually does.

Does your son like reading? Bringing a book he's really into for a few days could help him feel occupied and independent.

Or if he likes baseball, he could bring a tennis ball and throw off the wall himself.

My approach would be to help him find a way to be OK being on his own until this phase passes, which it will. Exclusion seems less fun when the kid being excluded doesn't offer the excluders the pleasure of seeming powerful.

I'd talk with him about this--that some kids can only feel good about themselves by being mean to other kids. That it will pass. That learning to be comfortable on his own is not a bad thing. That having this sort of experience will make him a more empathetic person. My [code]parents gave me a similar talk when a bunch of girls excluded me in 5th grade, and I still look back on it as a touchstone--a moment when I started to understand how temporary this crap is.

Very

Good luck, OP.

thanks - this what I needed this morning. A "band-aid" and ideas!

[Anonymous]

Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

[Anonymous]

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.


Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

I'm sure that was intended to be witty, but it failed.

[Anonymous]

What does he like to do? soccer/football/baseball/basketball

What are the other boys doing?

I find some kids are not being "blackballed" but are just not interested in doing the same thing other boys are doing.... and that is okay.

Did he come home and say... "nobody plays with me"?