Recess: son feels blackballed at recess - what can he do to to keep busy?

[Anonymous]

Also, the Counselor at our ES does a lunch bunch, where the kid can pick a few friends and have lunch together with the Counselor. This might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

Your girls have each other. Big difference

+1. Plus, it doesn't sound like the twins were actually being excluded by everyone - just by one kid who didn't have any friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

Your girls have each other. Big difference

+1. Plus, it doesn't sound like the twins were actually being excluded by everyone - just by one kid who didn't have any friends.

+1 I guess PP was trying to help but to me it just came off more that she saw the opportunity to relate a story where she and her girls basically "won" despite the mean girl antics. Congrats? I guess?

[Anonymous]

Mine found interest in plants and insects around the playground border.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he like to do? soccer/football/baseball/basketball

What are the other boys doing?

I find some kids are not being "blackballed" but are just not interested in doing the same thing other boys are doing.... and that is okay.

Did he come home and say... "nobody plays with me"?

This. and you need to teach your kid how to make an effort, and how to try to seek out kids who are nice

[Anonymous]

PP here - no, it was to demonstrate when you give your kids the tools to deal with their own issues, they are better for it.

My twins didn't win - but they did see the value in choosing to be friends with people who are kind to you. Larla was unkind, but the girls, initially, wanted to be friends with her so desperately regardless of how she treated them.

And, FWIW, they are in different classes and don't have each other all the time. Much like most kids with siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

NP - Just for the record, the moment you say "twins" you are in a whole different realm on this issue. Being excluded and left out is a whole different level of alienating when it's just you, vs. when there are 2 of you. I know it's still unpleasant and needs to be dealt with even when it's twins, but it's absolutely NOT the same. Twins can play a game with each other, can talk to each other. A solo child looks and feels that much more alone trying to play games alone, although I do think the ball against the wall is a good immediate idea.

OP I think you've already gotten other good strategies by now, just wanted to note that this situation is really different when 2 kids are excluded together. Still unpleasant, but also really different.

[Anonymous]

Ooops, didn't read all the way through, I see the difference with twins was already noted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine found interest in plants and insects around the playground border.

and digging in the dirt, or playing with sidewalk chalk. Other kids joined in.

[Anonymous]

When issues like this arise, our school counselor will host a targeted "lunch bunch" with (seemingly but not actually) random kids in the class. This has worked well for us in the past.

[Anonymous]

I have the same thing going on right now with my second grader, which is odd because this DS is usually very social and has a lot of friends. Apparently it's one other boy who is excluding him from a larger group of DS's friends that he regularly plays with at recess. I talked to him about it as many PPs have said, told him this was something some kids do to feel better about themselves or better than other people, that he should do something else during recess, etc. Finally I emailed the school counselor about it without mentioning it to my DS. We'll see what happens now.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

I find it interesting that you accuse others of "managing their kids social lives" and yet are able to recount this dull exchange between your own kids and "Larla" with excruciating detail and obvious emotional investment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

Your girls have each other. Big difference

+1. Plus, it doesn't sound like the twins were actually being excluded by everyone - just by one kid who didn't have any friends.

+1 I guess PP was trying to help but to me it just came off more that she saw the opportunity to relate a story where she and her girls basically "won" despite the mean girl antics. Congrats? I guess?

Yes, congrats, of course -- unless you are Larla's mom PP?

Unfortunately this kind of "winning" usually doesn't happen until adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

I find it interesting that you accuse others of "managing their kids social lives" and yet are able to recount this dull exchange between your own kids and "Larla" with excruciating detail and obvious emotional investment.

Some of us are better writers than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

Another concrete idea about what to do--create his own American Ninja warrior course on the playground and then attempt to complete it. Watch American Ninja Warrior for inspiration! My 3rd grader is totally into this and wants me to buy obstacle for the backyard. Something you can do by yourself or with friends.