Recess: son feels blackballed at recess - what can he do to to keep busy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

My DC's school banned pokemon cards at recess.

OP - does your DS like to play on the play structures? I remember playing by myself sometimes at recess. The play structures are great for solo playing.

This type of exclusion also happened in my DC's 2nd grade class. Teacher had a talk with all the kids about excluding kids from playing with them. You could try that.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. This is happening to my DD. I don't have any great solutions (she's still pretty miserable) but it has helped her get through recess to find something to focus on doing. Whether it's climbing on the monkey bars, bouncing a ball, playing soccer, or whatever is available at recess, he might feel better if he has one thing he knows he can do every day to make the time pass. As a side consequence, there may be other kids doing the same thing every day too, and he may slowly fall into interacting with them.

If there's truly nothing like that for him to do, I agree with the idea of bringing something small, like a ball or dice or a game or a set of cards or coloring pages or something able to be shared that will be of interest to other kids. (I'd hold off on the book for as long as possible, because that's just going to make the problem of him being all alone worse.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

Pokémon is banned at most schools.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually gone to look at him at recess? My son (2nd grade) claimed he had no one to play with, but when I went to peek at him, he was playing on and off with other boys. He just didn't have one group that he was with for the entire recess period, as many of the other kids seemed to.

[Anonymous]

Small school? For this reason, I have never considered small schools.

There needs to be a critical mass for them to find their people

[Anonymous]

Now even the "nice, quiet, shy kids" have shut him out. He did what I said and jumped in their game of tag and they told him "what are you doing???" Kids can be A-holes.

Did he ask them to play, or just jump in? Because maybe that was the aspect that seemed awkward to the "nice, quiet, shy kids." Maybe try those kids again, asking first. Is he in boy scouts or any activities where he can get to know kids from his class outside of school?

[Anonymous]

I work in an elementary school, and find that some boys have a difficult time at recess not because they are being excluded deliberately, but because they don't want to do the same things that the majority of the other boys are doing. Usually, there is a giant game of soccer, or football going on. My own son had this problem in the 3rd grade, until he found a few boys and girls that preferred imaginative play.

[Anonymous]

This is a real issue. When my DS was in 3rd the director had to speak openly to the entire school about the problems with kids forming "clubs" that excluded other kids. Apparently it's a stage...

The school took action: 1) it recognized the problem, 2) discussed it openly at weekly assembly and sent home memos to help families discuss, and 3) sent people out at recess to organize games/activities in which all kids are involved - sort of disrupt the balance of power, perhaps introduce some team-building activities, and move on from there.

Interns/student teachers are great for providing extra bodies at recess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work in an elementary school, and find that some boys have a difficult time at recess not because they are being excluded deliberately, but because they don't want to do the same things that the majority of the other boys are doing. Usually, there is a giant game of soccer, or football going on. My own son had this problem in the 3rd grade, until he found a few boys and girls that preferred imaginative play.

My DD had the same issue in 1st grade -- she didn't want to play beauty shop or fashion show or whatever it was the other girls wanted to do. The other girls didn't want to look for bugs under the bushes with her. So to her it was "nobody wants to play with me." We talked to her teacher and he moved her to sit with a girl he thought she'd connect with and they did end up being recess playmates that year. In 2nd grade she found two BFFs who are completely on her wavelength and they are still BFFs now in 5th grade.

As a kid who was often solo at recess (due to my shyness) I tended to, as PPs mention, climb alone on the equipment or play handball.

I'd definitely discuss it with his teacher and if that doesn't help, raise it to the school counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

Pokémon is banned at most schools.

According to whom? How do you know this? They are not banned at our school.

[Anonymous]

We had this problem in 4th but ours was coupled with bullying. We ended up switching schools which was drastic but necessary and turned out to be the best thing for my DS. He's now in 8th grade, back with the kids from the original school, and is doing fine socially. Our issue was how the school was run- it was rampant with exclusion and cliques. The school we ended up in was inclusive and caring and didn't tolerate exclusion.

[Anonymous]

I work in an elementary school, and find that some boys have a difficult time at recess not because they are being excluded deliberately, but because they don't want to do the same things that the majority of the other boys are doing. Usually, there is a giant game of soccer, or football going on. My own son had this problem in the 3rd grade, until he found a few boys and girls that preferred imaginative play.

I'd second this. My son claimed that no one in his class liked him or would play with him at recess. Upon visiting the school, and observing recess, the reality was that most of the boys liked DS fine (sat together at lunch, etc.), but they all wanted to play soccer at recess, and DS didn't like to play. Eventually he found one or two other less-athletic boys to play on the climbing equipment with and things worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Third grade?

Send him in to school with either a tennis ball like the other mom suggested or a bunch of Pokemon cards to flip through during recess.

The tennis ball will attract a few boys.

The pokemon cards will attract a gaggle of boys. If he is not familiar with the game or characters get him one of the handbooks so he can talk the lingo.

Pokémon is banned at most schools.

According to whom? How do you know this? They are not banned at our school.

According to The Los Angeles Times. https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=2199&dat=19991017&id=6nMyAAAAIBAJ&sjid=ZucFAAAAIBAJ&pg=6628,2681149&hl=en

According to CNN. http://www.cnn.com/SHOWBIZ/TV/9910/05/pokemon/

According to the BBC: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/713270.stm

Granted, most of those stories are 15 years old, but the policies hold true today.

Schools ban them because they are essentially a form of gambling, albeit with tokens kids value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks.

Op kid: 3rd grade, small public school, nice kid - (mostly) good to others at school. He does not have any of typical things that mean kids use for targets. Maybe because he is quiet and passive?

Tried to sooth with discussing. Does not want to go to school.

How do I teach him to fake confidence like so many others? I feel like kids/people drawn to confidence (not cocky)

Rather than telling him he needs to change, I would work with the school on trying to get him hooked up with other boys who are also quieter or less confident so that they can hang out at recess.

Do you all try to manage your kids social lives this way? You all sound like producers of your own little Truman Show.

OP: I would just give my kid strategies to deal with the situation he's in. The fact of life is that people don't have to like you. They don't have to play with you or include you. Your child will be so much better served understanding that and learning strategies to deal with. So, he should find something fun to do. Entertain himself. Maybe come up with a new game that the other kids can't resist.

My twins ran into a similar situation. We moved into a new neighborhood for this school year. 2nd week at the bus stop, another first grader - Larla - mentioned having a playdate. My girls assumed they were invited. Larla later made it know that they weren't. Later in the week, she also ran around asking all the other little girls (except mine) to come to her playdate because she needed more people. My girls were understandably hurt. I walked them through all the different strategies to deal with Larla (who was basically dangling the fact that they weren't invited in their faces every day) and the situation. We talked about what to do when she mentioned it (we have other fun plans!). We talked about how you should want to have playdates with people who are kind to you. Larla had her playdate with one other girl in the neighborhood. Monday at the bus stop, Larla tattled to the father of the girl who came to her playdate because she didn't want to play with her at the bus stop. And the little girl basically said she had a miserable time and didn't want to be friends. My girls were glad they weren't invited.

Your girls have each other. Big difference

[Anonymous]

I second the PP's suggestion of trying to observe for yourself. I would speak with his teacher to make her/him aware of your concern and say that anything he/she is able to do to help would be greatly appreciated. You're open to ideas and suggestions. Also, try to identify one other boy who you think your son might gel with and plan a weekend get-together (hopefully on a Sunday) so hopefully on Monday they can have something to talk about and a shared experience to relate with. Go to the movies, followed by pizza?

Talk to the principal and school psychologist too to find out what, if anything, they do to help some of the kids on the fringe.