Small house dilemna

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had the "Johnny has a bigger house" problem, but we have had Johnny make rude comments when he is a guest in our home about how much bigger his bedroom is than our son's. Johnny did not get invited back.

Be matter-of-fact about it, OP. If you show that YOU feel your house is inadequate, the kids will pick up on that. If you speak with your spouse about how much you lack compared to your neighbors, the kids will overhear and internalize. Convince yourself, first and foremost, that you are doing the right thing living within your means.

And I agree with many PPs that experiences are more valuable than things, but for a lot of us it's not, "big house vs. fancy vacation." It's "big house vs. ability to put food on the table." I know when you're inside the bubble it can feel like everyone has so much money they are just choosing between various non-essential luxuries, but that's not always the case.

Yes. What PP said. You don't have a small house problem. You have a envying your neighbor problem, and it is bleeding over into the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're two adults and two teens in two bedrooms with 1 1/4 baths. We're fine.

What is a 1/4 bath?

1/2 of 1/2 bath.

In other words, a 1/2 bath for pygmies.

I was thinking it was just a toilet? But then you would have to dash out to find a sink to wash your hands, so I hope I'm wrong

[Anonymous]

I know it's a pat answer, but when my kids first started complaining about the lack of space and how gigantic some friends homes were , I looked at them with horror and said "With a bigger house I would have to walk farther to hug you!" and ran to tackle/hug them (they're teenage boys, it's a violent hug as they squirm )
It never got mentioned again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had the "Johnny has a bigger house" problem, but we have had Johnny make rude comments when he is a guest in our home about how much bigger his bedroom is than our son's. Johnny did not get invited back.

Be matter-of-fact about it, OP. If you show that YOU feel your house is inadequate, the kids will pick up on that. If you speak with your spouse about how much you lack compared to your neighbors, the kids will overhear and internalize. Convince yourself, first and foremost, that you are doing the right thing living within your means.

And I agree with many PPs that experiences are more valuable than things, but for a lot of us it's not, "big house vs. fancy vacation." It's "big house vs. ability to put food on the table." I know when you're inside the bubble it can feel like everyone has so much money they are just choosing between various non-essential luxuries, but that's not always the case.

Yes. What PP said. You don't have a small house problem. You have a envying your neighbor problem, and it is bleeding over into the kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for everyone's thoughtful responses! While I agree with everyone's posts (the grass is always greener, be grateful, our home is big relative to other homes around the world), I do think it can be a struggle, even for an adult, to maintain that positive attitude if most people we know or encounter have bigger homes. Our home is fine, but it would be nice to have more space to entertain or another full bath. Also, I wonder if it would be worth it to move to a more affordable area so that we can feel more or less average, as opposed to being on the lower end of the income spectrum in our neighborhood and school.

OP, I think this may be your small-house dilemma (and feelings of inadequacy), not your children's.

OP, it's really important to project self confidence in these matters. Kids pick up on our insecurities and we don't want our insecurities to become theirs.

[Anonymous]

1) You need to take pride in your home, and your kids will absorb that.

2) Your kids need to know how lucky they have it compared to 99% of the rest of the world. They need to feel grateful for what they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for everyone's thoughtful responses! While I agree with everyone's posts (the grass is always greener, be grateful, our home is big relative to other homes around the world), I do think it can be a struggle, even for an adult, to maintain that positive attitude if most people we know or encounter have bigger homes. Our home is fine, but it would be nice to have more space to entertain or another full bath. Also, I wonder if it would be worth it to move to a more affordable area so that we can feel more or less average, as opposed to being on the lower end of the income spectrum in our neighborhood and school.

OP, I think this may be your small-house dilemma (and feelings of inadequacy), not your children's.

OP, it's really important to project self confidence in these matters. Kids pick up on our insecurities and we don't want our insecurities to become theirs.

When I was in middle (junior high) school, I wanted to live in a beautiful neighborhood across town. We even toured one of the homes at the time, which was new and had a swimming pool inside. I remember it was $100,000, which was more like $850,000 today. We lived in a small duplex in a working class (now middle class) neighborhood. I begged my parents to move and could not understand why we couldn't move to a nicer neighborhood. My parents didn't really respond or mostly ignored me. Years later when I was an adult and my parents were long ago divorced, my mother told me she was in an unhappy marriage and didn't want her money tied up in an expensive house with my father, who didn't make as much money as her. After they divorced my mother bought a nice house in a really nice neighborhood that she could afford on her own. I had renewed respect for her and was glad she did not bow to pressure from me or anyone else. She was able to put me through college and not be stressed with a big house note. OP, you should stay and raise your kids in a house you can afford. My DH and I live in a nice house in an affluent area that we bought at a good price before the prices skyrocketed. I see folks buying home in the neighborhood for 2 and 3 million and am so relieved we bought when we did because we couldn't afford to now and I like to sleep at night.

[Anonymous]

OP here - we live in Bethesda. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has insecurities and I think part of parenting is recognizing my own insecurities versus what honestly would be better for the kids. More space when they are teenagers, so we have one of the houses all of the kids congregate in? Work more hours? Money set aside for traveling? More college savings? It sounds like some of the previous posters are 100 percent confident in their choices, but I find the trade-offs more complicated. I would think there are parents who have made difficult choices in order to purchase a larger house, and they are happy they did so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we live in Bethesda. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has insecurities and I think part of parenting is recognizing my own insecurities versus what honestly would be better for the kids. More space when they are teenagers, so we have one of the houses all of the kids congregate in? Work more hours? Money set aside for traveling? More college savings? It sounds like some of the previous posters are 100 percent confident in their choices, but I find the trade-offs more complicated. I would think there are parents who have made difficult choices in order to purchase a larger house, and they are happy they did so.

We're in the process now of purchasing a much nicer house than the one we just sold. There are trade offs-- we may send our DS to public school (great neighborhood school) to ease with the finances. We need to change some things about our lifestyle, including traveling less and more frugally. We're doing it because we are in our forties and wanted to buy the house we will retire in- if we don't do it now, it won't happen. I know people make differ et choices, but feeling kinship with my living space is important to me. I want to create a home that we love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we live in Bethesda. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has insecurities and I think part of parenting is recognizing my own insecurities versus what honestly would be better for the kids. More space when they are teenagers, so we have one of the houses all of the kids congregate in? Work more hours? Money set aside for traveling? More college savings? It sounds like some of the previous posters are 100 percent confident in their choices, but I find the trade-offs more complicated. I would think there are parents who have made difficult choices in order to purchase a larger house, and they are happy they did so.

We're in Chevy Chase and also have a small house (1900 sqft, no basement.) My kids occasionally comment on this; I particularly recall my oldest, on one of his first playdates in K, commenting with sheer wonder when I went to pick him up, mom, they even have a downstairs! But that kid is now in middle school, and as far as I can tell he genuinely doesn't care that our entire home would fit in the (beautifully finished) basement of his best friend. His brother's favorite house to visit is the tiny, Spartan apartment of a family friend whose parents were living paycheck-to-paycheck for a while. Maybe it's a boy thing; as long as there is a nerf gun, some legos, or a video game and some chocolate chip cookies, they're pretty content.

Still, I think it's perfectly human to feel envy or insecurity. And it's not like we can sit back and say, oh yes, we have more/better experiences - kids who live in $2m+ homes in CC or Bethesda have some pretty enviable travel schedules! I feel it much more than my kids do, and when I do find myself thinking like that, I just try to remember - and remind them - that we are among the infinitely small percentage of humankind who has everything we need and a whole lot more, even if it might pale in comparison to the McMansion next door. I also tell them that our highest priority is schools and opportunities for them - our mortgage is way lower than we could technically afford on our salaries, but college funds and retirement savings are much more important to us than a fancier kitchen. Everyone is different, but for us moving further out would make our crazy juggle of 2 FT jobs and 2 kids harder than it needs to be - it's not worth it for a rec room!

Finally, just remember that there are a lot of wildly expensive houses in this area that aren't much bigger than yours or mine. I channel my own house envy into trying to make mine as nice as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're two adults and two teens in two bedrooms with 1 1/4 baths. We're fine.

What is a 1/4 bath?

1/2 of 1/2 bath.

In other words, a 1/2 bath for pygmies.

I was thinking it was just a toilet? But then you would have to dash out to find a sink to wash your hands, so I hope I'm wrong

Maybe (hopefully) just a sink

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're two adults and two teens in two bedrooms with 1 1/4 baths. We're fine.

What is a 1/4 bath?

1/2 of 1/2 bath.

In other words, a 1/2 bath for pygmies.

I was thinking it was just a toilet? But then you would have to dash out to find a sink to wash your hands, so I hope I'm wrong

Maybe (hopefully) just a sink

Or perhaps just a shower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You need to take pride in your home, and your kids will absorb that.

2) Your kids need to know how lucky they have it compared to 99% of the rest of the world. They need to feel grateful for what they have.

This. My kids have commented on the big houses their friends have, but they were quick to understand when I explained to them that they are growing up with a skewed perception of the world because of where we live. I explained about the rest of the country, and the rest of the world, and also about responsible use of resources and how it's not realistic for every person to have so much space.

I think a busy and happy life can happen in a small house, and we see it every day. If they're content the house isn't an issue, but as an observation now and then. Just like they might sometimes comment how nice it would be to have a horse. Or a dog for that matter (we're allergic). Not everyone can have everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's a pat answer, but when my kids first started complaining about the lack of space and how gigantic some friends homes were , I looked at them with horror and said "With a bigger house I would have to walk farther to hug you!" and ran to tackle/hug them (they're teenage boys, it's a violent hug as they squirm )
It never got mentioned again.

I don't think you should put down other people who have bigger nicer homes just the same with small ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we live in Bethesda. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has insecurities and I think part of parenting is recognizing my own insecurities versus what honestly would be better for the kids. More space when they are teenagers, so we have one of the houses all of the kids congregate in? Work more hours? Money set aside for traveling? More college savings? It sounds like some of the previous posters are 100 percent confident in their choices, but I find the trade-offs more complicated. I would think there are parents who have made difficult choices in order to purchase a larger house, and they are happy they did so.

I work with parents who have made the choice to move further out so they can have a larger home. They seem happy with their decision.
DH and I, on the other hand, are happy with our decision. It's very personal, not one size fits all.
The trade offs are definitely complicated, but only you and your DH can decide what's best for you.

Keep your expectations realistic though: just having a larger home doesn't necessarily mean your home will be the gathering spot for your kid's friends when they are teens.
It won't necessarily make your children happier either. Just make sure they aren't constantly needing everything their friends have to be happy. (a car, latest technology, cool vacations, etc.) Unless you are ok with that, in which case, never mind. I'm sure you realize this already!