Small house dilemna

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - we live in Bethesda. I am pretty sure I am not the only one who has insecurities and I think part of parenting is recognizing my own insecurities versus what honestly would be better for the kids. More space when they are teenagers, so we have one of the houses all of the kids congregate in? Work more hours? Money set aside for traveling? More college savings? It sounds like some of the previous posters are 100 percent confident in their choices, but I find the trade-offs more complicated. I would think there are parents who have made difficult choices in order to purchase a larger house, and they are happy they did so.

I work with parents who have made the choice to move further out so they can have a larger home. They seem happy with their decision.
DH and I, on the other hand, are happy with our decision. It's very personal, not one size fits all.
The trade offs are definitely complicated, but only you and your DH can decide what's best for you.

Keep your expectations realistic though: just having a larger home doesn't necessarily mean your home will be the gathering spot for your kid's friends when they are teens.
It won't necessarily make your children happier either. Just make sure they aren't constantly needing everything their friends have to be happy. (a car, latest technology, cool vacations, etc.) Unless you are ok with that, in which case, never mind. I'm sure you realize this already!

I think this is key. This is one of the reasons we chose a more mixed SES school district. We are in the middle/upper, but there will always be someone with more, and someone with less. We stress that to the kids. They are *not* getting a brand new car, or even a used BMW when they are teens, if they even get a car. I'm sure some of their friends will have such cars. By then, hopefully, my kids will have gotten used to some having more and some having less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it's a pat answer, but when my kids first started complaining about the lack of space and how gigantic some friends homes were , I looked at them with horror and said "With a bigger house I would have to walk farther to hug you!" and ran to tackle/hug them (they're teenage boys, it's a violent hug as they squirm )
It never got mentioned again.

I don't think you should put down other people who have bigger nicer homes just the same with small ones.

Huh?

[Anonymous]

We are a family of 4 in a small townhouse (with room set aside for a dedicated office since DH works from home). I tell the kids it would be nice to have extra room for some of our wants but we have a nice home that meets our needs.

It would be tremendously nice to have a separate room for DH's office and a yard, but we already have so much more than many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They feel sort of bewildered and sad about why their home is so much smaller.

This is pathetic.

Yup. The solution is to teach gratitude and perspective.

Unless you want to raise entitled kids, in which case, by all means move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thank you for everyone's thoughtful responses! While I agree with everyone's posts (the grass is always greener, be grateful, our home is big relative to other homes around the world), I do think it can be a struggle, even for an adult, to maintain that positive attitude if most people we know or encounter have bigger homes. Our home is fine, but it would be nice to have more space to entertain or another full bath. Also, I wonder if it would be worth it to move to a more affordable area so that we can feel more or less average, as opposed to being on the lower end of the income spectrum in our neighborhood and school.

There are advantages to living amongst ones own. However, if you are of sufficient means that your kids get to participate in the activities in your area, who cares that the house is small? There are plenty of smaller homes in Potomac.

[Anonymous]

We talk about only having the space you need, how expensive it is to heat & a/c large houses when most if the rooms are empty. I joke about losing family members, or talk about that larger houses are for holding more things. Then go for a hike or something and look at all the space that is available to us. Look at the stars.

I occasionally look at small house pics online or one room/live in a shed lifestyles and discuss what it takes to live that way and that I admire those dwellings.

I think it's important to only live on the space you need. It's irresponsible to do otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's a pat answer, but when my kids first started complaining about the lack of space and how gigantic some friends homes were , I looked at them with horror and said "With a bigger house I would have to walk farther to hug you!" and ran to tackle/hug them (they're teenage boys, it's a violent hug as they squirm )
It never got mentioned again.

I love this! I'm doing this when my kids are older.

[Anonymous]

I tell my son we prioritized private school and travel (in laws live in a different country) over a big house. I also tell him I prefer smaller houses because they are more environmentally friendly, and he can make his own choices about housing and other priorities when he grows up.

But it's also an ongoing conversation that there will always be people who have more than us, and always people who have less. We have all our needs and many of our wants. We are very lucky.

[Anonymous]

I would start the "comparing yourself or your situation to others leads to a lifetime of misery" talk!! What happens if your kids start having friends with second and third homes? Where does it end!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my son we prioritized private school and travel (in laws live in a different country) over a big house. I also tell him I prefer smaller houses because they are more environmentally friendly, and he can make his own choices about housing and other priorities when he grows up.

But it's also an ongoing conversation that there will always be people who have more than us, and always people who have less. We have all our needs and many of our wants. We are very lucky.

Private? You need to get big house then do private.

[Anonymous]

They will always be comparing something - their house, their clothes, their vacations, their cars. . . Right into adulthood.

It's a good time to teach them about gratitude and living within your means. We also do a lot of community service which gives them a much bigger appreciation for what they have in the world around them. We also spend a lot of time in the very blue collar neighborhood where I grew up. Perspective. It's all about perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tell my son we prioritized private school and travel (in laws live in a different country) over a big house. I also tell him I prefer smaller houses because they are more environmentally friendly, and he can make his own choices about housing and other priorities when he grows up.

But it's also an ongoing conversation that there will always be people who have more than us, and always people who have less. We have all our needs and many of our wants. We are very lucky.

Private? You need to get big house then do private.

Um. No. See? This is the great thing about this country. You get to set your priorities and budget accordingly. And so do I. And so does this poster and-this is the tricky part for you, I think- those priorities might be different. And that's ok.

[Anonymous]

Let them know if they study and work hard they can afford a big house when they grow up.