other kids' cell phones at sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

This is why you talk to DD a lot about appropriate online behavior-- a lot. Why you educate and communicate (and monitor)-- a lot. If your DD has friends posting online inappropriately, this is an ongoing issue that you, as a parent, need to be on top of. You can't solve it by taking away cellphones at midnight at a party.

Guess what? I don't want to check an 11 yr old girls Instagram at midnight because first off, I think following an 11 yr old kid on social media is a bit creepy and second, I am sleeping.

If your 11 year old has a social media account, following her isn't "creepy," it's responsible parenting. She should be told you will follow her as a condition of having the account. And if your 11 year old is having a party, I hope you're not sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't send a phone with my tweenager in most cases. And my DC is not a text rather than talk, play Candy Crush at 2 am type of kid. But if for some reason I did send her with a cellphone, I would have a reason. In our case, it would probably be because my DC can get anxious and the cell phone helps her feel safe in a new situation. It would be huge red flag if another parent took it away from her. I would feel like I, as her parent, had made a call to send it. That in this situation, having access to a phone was the right call for my DC. If she isn't being disruptive or inappropriate with the cellphone, it isn't the place of another parent to take it away. If she is being disruptive or inappropriate, I would want to be told.

Well, then, I think you should tell the host in advance do everyone is on the same page. I would not assume that you want me to call you at 11 pm if your daughter is being disruptive. I would deal with it and let you know in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

Then why in the world are they allowed to have a smartphone and a social media account???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I actually don't send a phone with my tweenager in most cases. And my DC is not a text rather than talk, play Candy Crush at 2 am type of kid. But if for some reason I did send her with a cellphone, I would have a reason. In our case, it would probably be because my DC can get anxious and the cell phone helps her feel safe in a new situation. It would be huge red flag if another parent took it away from her. I would feel like I, as her parent, had made a call to send it. That in this situation, having access to a phone was the right call for my DC. If she isn't being disruptive or inappropriate with the cellphone, it isn't the place of another parent to take it away. If she is being disruptive or inappropriate, I would want to be told.

Well, then, I think you should tell the host in advance do everyone is on the same page. I would not assume that you want me to call you at 11 pm if your daughter is being disruptive. I would deal with it and let you know in the morning.

If DD was truly being disruptive at 11 pm, I would want to know about it. It would suck, and she would be in deep sh*t with me. But, you know, parenting...

[Anonymous]

I ask teens to let parents know they will be turning phones off at 10:00 (or whatever time seems reasonable for the event) and then give them our home number in case they need it. We explain the time is to enjoy the company of the kids who are here. If a parent or teen asked for permission to use it, sure, we'd let them... but most parents have thanked us and not had an issue at all.

It is more about the texting others and pictures that can be taken/shared than anything else. Just as your teen having a phone may make them more comfortable, sometimes someone having a phone makes others uncomfortable.

We have several landlines throughout our home and kids could easily pick one up to call their parents at anytime, without talking to us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask teens to let parents know they will be turning phones off at 10:00 (or whatever time seems reasonable for the event) and then give them our home number in case they need it. We explain the time is to enjoy the company of the kids who are here. If a parent or teen asked for permission to use it, sure, we'd let them... but most parents have thanked us and not had an issue at all.

It is more about the texting others and pictures that can be taken/shared than anything else. Just as your teen having a phone may make them more comfortable, sometimes someone having a phone makes others uncomfortable.

We have several landlines throughout our home and kids could easily pick one up to call their parents at anytime, without talking to us.

I think this is an excellent approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with a lot of what has been
posted here. If I send a child or teen to a sleepover with a phone it is for his/her use, and I want them to habe access to it without needing to ask or turn it on. I would be really put off if someone took something that belongs to my child.

This.
My 10 year old dd was at a sleepover at a good friends house for the first time, and texted me at 1am that she didn't feel comfortable there and wanted out of that house immediately. Luckily the issue wasn't as horrifying as it sounded, but when you get a text like that from your daughter, you're grateful that she has access to communicate with you without going through the parents.

I'm curious-- what was the issue?

[Anonymous]

I announce to parents in an invitation that our house rules are phones on the kitchen counter at x o'clock and that if any kid wants to call or text mom and dad, they are welcome to do so. I also make sure that parents have my number in case they need to get a hold of us. So far it has not been a problem and more than one parent has had a look of, "why didn't I think of that," when hearing our house rules.

[Anonymous]

Do any of you who insist on cellphones at sleepovers send your kids to sleep away camp?

[Anonymous]

We have a family rule of strictly limiting electronic devices after 9:30 pm. When we send invitations to have group sleepovers, we explain the rules. Phones and devices go into a big bowl in the living room where they charge overnight. We also have landlines throughout the house and show them to kids so if they need to call somebody, they can. I've never had a parent object to that rule and mostly, like PP, I get a "why didn't I think of that?" response. If a parent is uncomfortable, they are welcome not to send their kids, but that has never happened. Sleepovers at our house are quite popular so it doesn't seem to be an undue burden.

I think those of you who are insisting that your kids can responsibly handle social media at age 11 because you've talked to them endlessly are really, really naive.

[Anonymous]

Yes, after a sleepover at our house, my 10 yo DD told me that one of the girls showed pictures of naked penises on her phone, from the internet, to the other girls.

I tried to neutrally and calmly bring this up with the parents of the girl a few days later, sharing responsibility among all the girls in my language, and they literally did not respond at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

Then why in the world are they allowed to have a smartphone and a social media account???

My DD doesn't but she has 10 and 11 yr old friends who do, who take pics and then post them there. I don't want to monitor those girl's accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

Then why in the world are they allowed to have a smartphone and a social media account???

My DD doesn't but she has 10 and 11 yr old friends who do, who take pics and then post them there. I don't want to monitor those girl's accounts.

And to add - yes, I have asked the girls and their parents directly not to do this, I have seen their parents directly tell their DD's not to do this, I have heard teachers remind kids never to do this. Yet they still do it. Why? Because they are young, impulsive and don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with a lot of what has been
posted here. If I send a child or teen to a sleepover with a phone it is for his/her use, and I want them to habe access to it without needing to ask or turn it on. I would be really put off if someone took something that belongs to my child.

This.
My 10 year old dd was at a sleepover at a good friends house for the first time, and texted me at 1am that she didn't feel comfortable there and wanted out of that house immediately. Luckily the issue wasn't as horrifying as it sounded, but when you get a text like that from your daughter, you're grateful that she has access to communicate with you without going through the parents.

I'm curious-- what was the issue?

Pp here. Someone was telling slender man stories.
After texting back and forth a few times, I called her because I wanted to make sure she was ok, but she wasn't letting on what the issue was because all her friends were within inches of her. I feared something much worse, so I told her to have her friend who's house they were at tell her parents that she felt sick and wanted to go home and we would be there to pick her up in 10 minutes.
After it was all said and done, I felt like it may have been a good lesson to dd that she has the power to be proactive and get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

So fix that.
My ds is 11 and we have had plenty of conversations about what to post, what not to post, how to reply to others, how to ignore friend requests or messages from strangers. We have also had conversations about what is and is not appropriate for viewing and how you can't unsee something once you've seen it...and what to say to a friend if they're viewing or attempting to show something inappropriate. He knows that innocent searches can bring up unrelated images, and he will ask me to google something and find links for him if it's a topic that he's concerned about what may show up.

Instead of limiting access so much, teach your kid how to be responsible with technology. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye...definitely stay aware and involved, but limiting without teaching accomplishes nothing.

It doesn't matter that you have had tons of conversations. I have too with my DD. Kids that age just don't really get it. They just don't. And couple that with many of them having poor impulse control. Parents like you are a serious problem because you are so incredibly naive. I have found my DD with her friends doing incredibly stupid stuff and all involved had been told many times by parents, at school, etc.

Not the PP, but parents like you are the problem. A child who does "incredibly stupid stuff" with the technology, has poor impulse control, and keeps violating your technology use guidelines has no business having a smartphone until they can prove they are responsible enough to have one.

So true. So many parents assume that all kids are like theirs. They're not. Some kids are rule followers and would never dream of doing something they've been told not to, and others will do whatever they can get away with, and there is a whole spectrum in between. Know your kid, teach your kid, and make rules accordingly. And regardless of your kid and your rules, keep a watchful eye.