other kids' cell phones at sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with a lot of what has been
posted here. If I send a child or teen to a sleepover with a phone it is for his/her use, and I want them to habe access to it without needing to ask or turn it on. I would be really put off if someone took something that belongs to my child.

You must be the one whose kid showed porn to my kid.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

So fix that.
My ds is 11 and we have had plenty of conversations about what to post, what not to post, how to reply to others, how to ignore friend requests or messages from strangers. We have also had conversations about what is and is not appropriate for viewing and how you can't unsee something once you've seen it...and what to say to a friend if they're viewing or attempting to show something inappropriate. He knows that innocent searches can bring up unrelated images, and he will ask me to google something and find links for him if it's a topic that he's concerned about what may show up.

Instead of limiting access so much, teach your kid how to be responsible with technology. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye...definitely stay aware and involved, but limiting without teaching accomplishes nothing.

It doesn't matter that you have had tons of conversations. I have too with my DD. Kids that age just don't really get it. They just don't. And couple that with many of them having poor impulse control. Parents like you are a serious problem because you are so incredibly naive. I have found my DD with her friends doing incredibly stupid stuff and all involved had been told many times by parents, at school, etc.

Not the PP, but parents like you are the problem. A child who does "incredibly stupid stuff" with the technology, has poor impulse control, and keeps violating your technology use guidelines has no business having a smartphone until they can prove they are responsible enough to have one.

Again naive parent of a toddler, most parents as evidenced by this thread, believe that talking to their 10 and 11 yr old is enough and that they told them a couple times so they must get it and then do little else so they never realize what exactly their kid is doing online until another parent or kid points it out to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Someone was telling slender man stories.
After texting back and forth a few times, I called her because I wanted to make sure she was ok, but she wasn't letting on what the issue was because all her friends were within inches of her. I feared something much worse, so I told her to have her friend who's house they were at tell her parents that she felt sick and wanted to go home and we would be there to pick her up in 10 minutes.
After it was all said and done, I felt like it may have been a good lesson to dd that she has the power to be proactive and get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in.

What about learning to speak up for herself and deal with a situation on her own?

If a child is not ready to navigate the ordinary challenges that may arise with a sleepover--she doesn't like the food, the other kids want to watch a scary movie, they want to stay up late and she doesn't--without a cellphone, then maybe she's not ready for a sleepover. And there's nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ask teens to let parents know they will be turning phones off at 10:00 (or whatever time seems reasonable for the event) and then give them our home number in case they need it. We explain the time is to enjoy the company of the kids who are here. If a parent or teen asked for permission to use it, sure, we'd let them... but most parents have thanked us and not had an issue at all.

It is more about the texting others and pictures that can be taken/shared than anything else. Just as your teen having a phone may make them more comfortable, sometimes someone having a phone makes others uncomfortable.

We have several landlines throughout our home and kids could easily pick one up to call their parents at anytime, without talking to us.

+1000 Kids taking pictures and sharing them without the other child's/parent's approval is a slippery slope. It puts the kid taking the pics in a dominant role (without parental supervision) and leaves some kids feeling helpless.

Naive parents fail to realize that sometimes kids don't want their pics taken or shared without their consent. It is a shame that some kids are being forced by peer pressure to constantly pose for the camera especially when they don't feel like it or are not expecting to be photographed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DS went to a sleepover and one kid (who is a jackass and needs more supervision) showed them "two girls, one cup" one his phone. So, yeah. DS was pretty traumatized by the whole situation.

We've taken phones away at sleepovers, but have then had parents tell us they want their child to keep their phone on them. Can't win.

Dare I ask wth is that?

You can google it but I don't recommend it. It's a gross video, not fun for adults either.

Yeah, really! I was traumatized as an adult! OK, not really, but its just totally foul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Someone was telling slender man stories.
After texting back and forth a few times, I called her because I wanted to make sure she was ok, but she wasn't letting on what the issue was because all her friends were within inches of her. I feared something much worse, so I told her to have her friend who's house they were at tell her parents that she felt sick and wanted to go home and we would be there to pick her up in 10 minutes.
After it was all said and done, I felt like it may have been a good lesson to dd that she has the power to be proactive and get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in.

What about learning to speak up for herself and deal with a situation on her own?

If a child is not ready to navigate the ordinary challenges that may arise with a sleepover--she doesn't like the food, the other kids want to watch a scary movie, they want to stay up late and she doesn't--without a cellphone, then maybe she's not ready for a sleepover. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Very well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Someone was telling slender man stories.
After texting back and forth a few times, I called her because I wanted to make sure she was ok, but she wasn't letting on what the issue was because all her friends were within inches of her. I feared something much worse, so I told her to have her friend who's house they were at tell her parents that she felt sick and wanted to go home and we would be there to pick her up in 10 minutes.
After it was all said and done, I felt like it may have been a good lesson to dd that she has the power to be proactive and get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in.

What about learning to speak up for herself and deal with a situation on her own?

If a child is not ready to navigate the ordinary challenges that may arise with a sleepover--she doesn't like the food, the other kids want to watch a scary movie, they want to stay up late and she doesn't--without a cellphone, then maybe she's not ready for a sleepover. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Or it could be that even at 10 some kids find that they just don't want to sleep away from home and want to go home. So I think this child did speak up, she told her parent hey I don't want to be here anymore instead of trying to tough it out. She trusted her own instincts and it seems to have worked out well. I think that is pretty empowering to know you are capable of reaching out for help in an uncomfortable situation and getting out instead of just sitting there feeling stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

So fix that.
My ds is 11 and we have had plenty of conversations about what to post, what not to post, how to reply to others, how to ignore friend requests or messages from strangers. We have also had conversations about what is and is not appropriate for viewing and how you can't unsee something once you've seen it...and what to say to a friend if they're viewing or attempting to show something inappropriate. He knows that innocent searches can bring up unrelated images, and he will ask me to google something and find links for him if it's a topic that he's concerned about what may show up.

Instead of limiting access so much, teach your kid how to be responsible with technology. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye...definitely stay aware and involved, but limiting without teaching accomplishes nothing.

It doesn't matter that you have had tons of conversations. I have too with my DD. Kids that age just don't really get it. They just don't. And couple that with many of them having poor impulse control. Parents like you are a serious problem because you are so incredibly naive. I have found my DD with her friends doing incredibly stupid stuff and all involved had been told many times by parents, at school, etc.

Not the PP, but parents like you are the problem. A child who does "incredibly stupid stuff" with the technology, has poor impulse control, and keeps violating your technology use guidelines has no business having a smartphone until they can prove they are responsible enough to have one.

So true. So many parents assume that all kids are like theirs. They're not. Some kids are rule followers and would never dream of doing something they've been told not to, and others will do whatever they can get away with, and there is a whole spectrum in between. Know your kid, teach your kid, and make rules accordingly. And regardless of your kid and your rules, keep a watchful eye.

Even if you assume that your 11-year-old will use social media with as much sophistication as an experienced professional PR person at all times because you've spoken many times about the risks of social media, the issue is that it's not just your kid. You have to assume that all kids at a sleepover will act with that level of sophistication if you're going to give them unfettered access to smartphones and devices at a sleepover.

Honestly, though, I think some of you on here must just be parents of toddlers, because no actually checked-in parent of an 11-year-old would be so naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry more about what the kids are posting online at parties. I have found that DD's friends (age 11) just have really poor judgement and very little understanding of online safety.

So fix that.
My ds is 11 and we have had plenty of conversations about what to post, what not to post, how to reply to others, how to ignore friend requests or messages from strangers. We have also had conversations about what is and is not appropriate for viewing and how you can't unsee something once you've seen it...and what to say to a friend if they're viewing or attempting to show something inappropriate. He knows that innocent searches can bring up unrelated images, and he will ask me to google something and find links for him if it's a topic that he's concerned about what may show up.

Instead of limiting access so much, teach your kid how to be responsible with technology. I'm not saying to turn a blind eye...definitely stay aware and involved, but limiting without teaching accomplishes nothing.

It doesn't matter that you have had tons of conversations. I have too with my DD. Kids that age just don't really get it. They just don't. And couple that with many of them having poor impulse control. Parents like you are a serious problem because you are so incredibly naive. I have found my DD with her friends doing incredibly stupid stuff and all involved had been told many times by parents, at school, etc.

Not the PP, but parents like you are the problem. A child who does "incredibly stupid stuff" with the technology, has poor impulse control, and keeps violating your technology use guidelines has no business having a smartphone until they can prove they are responsible enough to have one.

So true. So many parents assume that all kids are like theirs. They're not. Some kids are rule followers and would never dream of doing something they've been told not to, and others will do whatever they can get away with, and there is a whole spectrum in between. Know your kid, teach your kid, and make rules accordingly. And regardless of your kid and your rules, keep a watchful eye.

Even if you assume that your 11-year-old will use social media with as much sophistication as an experienced professional PR person at all times because you've spoken many times about the risks of social media, the issue is that it's not just your kid. You have to assume that all kids at a sleepover will act with that level of sophistication if you're going to give them unfettered access to smartphones and devices at a sleepover.

Honestly, though, I think some of you on here must just be parents of toddlers, because no actually checked-in parent of an 11-year-old would be so naive.

How old are your kids, pp?
I have one out of college and married, two in college, one in high school, and an 11 year old. Every single one of them is different and required different balances between trust and hovering. Some kids keep themselves on the straight and narrow, others jump at any opportunity, others are sneaky about it, some will speak up, some won't, some will confess, some won't. I have raised them all.

Why are you so quick to assume that all preteens are up to no good?
I was a good kid, without hovering parents. They trusted me and I honestly never betrayed their trust. I know all of my kids, and one is like I was, the rest aren't, but it is not fair for you to assume that anyone who has a kid who follows the rules and will speak up when others aren't is just naive.

This is why I hated being a teenager. Adults always assume teenagers are irresponsible and up to no good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with a lot of what has been
posted here. If I send a child or teen to a sleepover with a phone it is for his/her use, and I want them to habe access to it without needing to ask or turn it on. I would be really put off if someone took something that belongs to my child.

If the host's house had a land line that your child could use to call you any time they needed to, would that change your comfort level?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Someone was telling slender man stories.
After texting back and forth a few times, I called her because I wanted to make sure she was ok, but she wasn't letting on what the issue was because all her friends were within inches of her. I feared something much worse, so I told her to have her friend who's house they were at tell her parents that she felt sick and wanted to go home and we would be there to pick her up in 10 minutes.
After it was all said and done, I felt like it may have been a good lesson to dd that she has the power to be proactive and get out of a situation she doesn't want to be in.

What about learning to speak up for herself and deal with a situation on her own?

If a child is not ready to navigate the ordinary challenges that may arise with a sleepover--she doesn't like the food, the other kids want to watch a scary movie, they want to stay up late and she doesn't--without a cellphone, then maybe she's not ready for a sleepover. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Very well said.

Agree! Common sense wins another battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or it could be that even at 10 some kids find that they just don't want to sleep away from home and want to go home. So I think this child did speak up, she told her parent hey I don't want to be here anymore instead of trying to tough it out. She trusted her own instincts and it seems to have worked out well. I think that is pretty empowering to know you are capable of reaching out for help in an uncomfortable situation and getting out instead of just sitting there feeling stuck.

1. Getting a parent to rescue you is empowering?
2. Why couldn't the child call home on a landline?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with a lot of what has been
posted here. If I send a child or teen to a sleepover with a phone it is for his/her use, and I want them to habe access to it without needing to ask or turn it on. I would be really put off if someone took something that belongs to my child.

This.
My 10 year old dd was at a sleepover at a good friends house for the first time, and texted me at 1am that she didn't feel comfortable there and wanted out of that house immediately. Luckily the issue wasn't as horrifying as it sounded, but when you get a text like that from your daughter, you're grateful that she has access to communicate with you without going through the parents.

I'm curious-- what was the issue?

A very high-maintenance, dramatic child ruined a birthday party my daughter was attending by getting up several times in the night to text, then call her parents and loudly complain about things that were total, unmitigated, bullshit plays for attention. The birthday girl was bummed, the hosts were annoyed, and the kids were exhausted. Before you say "don't invite a kid like that to your party," she was a friend of the birthday girl and although we all know she is quite high-drama, no one anticipated this.

If you really want your child to be able to reach you in an emergency, then leave your child with parents whom you trust to handle an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really disagree with a lot of what has been
posted here. If I send a child or teen to a sleepover with a phone it is for his/her use, and I want them to habe access to it without needing to ask or turn it on. I would be really put off if someone took something that belongs to my child.

This.
My 10 year old dd was at a sleepover at a good friends house for the first time, and texted me at 1am that she didn't feel comfortable there and wanted out of that house immediately. Luckily the issue wasn't as horrifying as it sounded, but when you get a text like that from your daughter, you're grateful that she has access to communicate with you without going through the parents.

I'm curious-- what was the issue?

A very high-maintenance, dramatic child ruined a birthday party my daughter was attending by getting up several times in the night to text, then call her parents and loudly complain about things that were total, unmitigated, bullshit plays for attention. The birthday girl was bummed, the hosts were annoyed, and the kids were exhausted. Before you say "don't invite a kid like that to your party," she was a friend of the birthday girl and although we all know she is quite high-drama, no one anticipated this.

If you really want your child to be able to reach you in an emergency, then leave your child with parents whom you trust to handle an emergency.

So let's say a parent/brother/uncle/etc did something inappropriate. You really think the kid is going to feel comfortable enough to ask to use the landline to call home...likely while a parent stands by and listens to the conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or it could be that even at 10 some kids find that they just don't want to sleep away from home and want to go home. So I think this child did speak up, she told her parent hey I don't want to be here anymore instead of trying to tough it out. She trusted her own instincts and it seems to have worked out well. I think that is pretty empowering to know you are capable of reaching out for help in an uncomfortable situation and getting out instead of just sitting there feeling stuck.

1. Getting a parent to rescue you is empowering?
2. Why couldn't the child call home on a landline?

Not that poster but,

1. Having the choice in your hands of exactly how you wish to react to a situation, and being able to make that choice on your own without needing to rely on the host parents is what I consider empowering. Some kids want a bit of reassurance from a parent and then would choose to stay, some would want to go home, some just like the idea that the ability to contact a support network is there if they happen to need it but they never actually use it. My kid with anxiety usually fell into the last category. It's about options and making sure my child never feels (accurately or not) trapped without options in a situation. I always ensure I have exit options, and I'll grant my kid the same measure of reassurance.

2. See above... with a landline it's the host parent's property and good etiquette IMO is to ask permission of either the parent or the host child in order to use it. I can definitely think of situations where that would be less than ideal. Also, not every family has a landline anymore. Most of our friends do not.