Sibling expects me to pay for nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I don't have an issue with my sister. This is the first main issue we have really had. She wants to put him in a crappy home because it's close to her. I feel that he could have better care here. She lives 40 mins away and doesn't want to have to drive far. I live 25 mins from the home here that has the capacity to care from him. The home she wants to put him in is only on her radar because it is in walking distance to her house.



This isn't a control issue. It also isn't a financial issue. She claims to have no money, but I am not swimming in it either. My hhi is 170k, hers is about the same but I didn't question her ability to pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I volunteered to take him into my home and pay a nurse to care for him. As per my sister, she is available to take care of him. She didn't want me to take him so she assumed responsibility. Maybe I'm as asshole got this but she wanted to keep him from my care, so she can have him and care for him. If she can't, she should revisit letting him live with me. I could pay a nurse 1500 per week but I will not pay 7k for him to be in a home at my sisters insistence. She only wants him to be in her city and not here.

So let's recap. You are willing to pay 6-7k if he is in your house, but you don't want to pay 7k to put him in a home. So it's not the money at all, it's a who's in charge issue. Because it's annoying that she perceives she's in charge and you have to foot the bill. (I get that.) Also, she is probably annoyed that you perceive you can dictate unilaterally what will happen because you have the money when she's been the one there with him. You clearly have issues with your sister that need to be sorted out.

What is best for your dad? Forget about you and your sister for a minute and whatever long-standing issues you have with each other.

I get why the sister is annoyed, but she needs to get over it. The person who is tasked with paying $84k per year for nursing home care DOES get to unilaterally dictate where that money is spent. It's just a fact of life.

[Anonymous]

Is your dad a veteran? The VA has several options, they have hospitals, they pay for in home care, and they pay for assisted living.

[Anonymous]

anyone know a good elder care attorney in Philly? I live in the DC area and these are my in laws that live in PA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your dad a veteran? The VA has several options, they have hospitals, they pay for in home care, and they pay for assisted living.

I forgot to add that the VA will also pay your sister to care for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have an issue with my sister. This is the first main issue we have really had. She wants to put him in a crappy home because it's close to her. I feel that he could have better care here. She lives 40 mins away and doesn't want to have to drive far. I live 25 mins from the home here that has the capacity to care from him. The home she wants to put him in is only on her radar because it is in walking distance to her house.



This isn't a control issue. It also isn't a financial issue. She claims to have no money, but I am not swimming in it either. My hhi is 170k, hers is about the same but I didn't question her ability to pay.

If she is the one taking primary responsibility, then yes, it is better to put him walking distance so she can visit often. My MIL is 25 minutes away and it sucks as we cannot visit easily more than 1-2 times a week. You do understand that most nursing homes are $10,000 a month - that would mean splitting it is $5000 a month which is not doable for either of you. Your option is to bring him in your home and provide care or agree to what she is doing. Also, if they will take medicaid pending that is a big deal. Very few nursing homes will take medicaid pending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I volunteered to take him into my home and pay a nurse to care for him. As per my sister, she is available to take care of him. She didn't want me to take him so she assumed responsibility. Maybe I'm as asshole got this but she wanted to keep him from my care, so she can have him and care for him. If she can't, she should revisit letting him live with me. I could pay a nurse 1500 per week but I will not pay 7k for him to be in a home at my sisters insistence. She only wants him to be in her city and not here.

So let's recap. You are willing to pay 6-7k if he is in your house, but you don't want to pay 7k to put him in a home. So it's not the money at all, it's a who's in charge issue. Because it's annoying that she perceives she's in charge and you have to foot the bill. (I get that.) Also, she is probably annoyed that you perceive you can dictate unilaterally what will happen because you have the money when she's been the one there with him. You clearly have issues with your sister that need to be sorted out.

What is best for your dad? Forget about you and your sister for a minute and whatever long-standing issues you have with each other.

I get why the sister is annoyed, but she needs to get over it. The person who is tasked with paying $84k per year for nursing home care DOES get to unilaterally dictate where that money is spent. It's just a fact of life.

On $170,000, you cannot afford $84K a year. Either step up and take over or butt out and let her deal with it. You are just complaining... not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would offer to pay for a lawyer to help your parent qualify for Medicaid.

Why would you pay a lawyer to get medicaid? You get the forms, fill them out, provide the documentation and then wait for approval. You have to find a bed as there is no pre approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I volunteered to take him into my home and pay a nurse to care for him. As per my sister, she is available to take care of him. She didn't want me to take him so she assumed responsibility. Maybe I'm as asshole got this but she wanted to keep him from my care, so she can have him and care for him. If she can't, she should revisit letting him live with me. I could pay a nurse 1500 per week but I will not pay 7k for him to be in a home at my sisters insistence. She only wants him to be in her city and not here.

So let's recap. You are willing to pay 6-7k if he is in your house, but you don't want to pay 7k to put him in a home. So it's not the money at all, it's a who's in charge issue. Because it's annoying that she perceives she's in charge and you have to foot the bill. (I get that.) Also, she is probably annoyed that you perceive you can dictate unilaterally what will happen because you have the money when she's been the one there with him. You clearly have issues with your sister that need to be sorted out.

What is best for your dad? Forget about you and your sister for a minute and whatever long-standing issues you have with each other.

I get why the sister is annoyed, but she needs to get over it. The person who is tasked with paying $84k per year for nursing home care DOES get to unilaterally dictate where that money is spent. It's just a fact of life.

On $170,000, you cannot afford $84K a year. Either step up and take over or butt out and let her deal with it. You are just complaining... not helping.

Can you not read? The sister is telling her to pay- all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I volunteered to take him into my home and pay a nurse to care for him. As per my sister, she is available to take care of him. She didn't want me to take him so she assumed responsibility. Maybe I'm as asshole got this but she wanted to keep him from my care, so she can have him and care for him. If she can't, she should revisit letting him live with me. I could pay a nurse 1500 per week but I will not pay 7k for him to be in a home at my sisters insistence. She only wants him to be in her city and not here.

So let's recap. You are willing to pay 6-7k if he is in your house, but you don't want to pay 7k to put him in a home. So it's not the money at all, it's a who's in charge issue. Because it's annoying that she perceives she's in charge and you have to foot the bill. (I get that.) Also, she is probably annoyed that you perceive you can dictate unilaterally what will happen because you have the money when she's been the one there with him. You clearly have issues with your sister that need to be sorted out.

What is best for your dad? Forget about you and your sister for a minute and whatever long-standing issues you have with each other.

I get why the sister is annoyed, but she needs to get over it. The person who is tasked with paying $84k per year for nursing home care DOES get to unilaterally dictate where that money is spent. It's just a fact of life.

On $170,000, you cannot afford $84K a year. Either step up and take over or butt out and let her deal with it. You are just complaining... not helping.

We could afford it. House and cars are paid for. We could do it, but I just want my sister to be more appreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

I volunteered to take him into my home and pay a nurse to care for him. As per my sister, she is available to take care of him. She didn't want me to take him so she assumed responsibility. Maybe I'm as asshole got this but she wanted to keep him from my care, so she can have him and care for him. If she can't, she should revisit letting him live with me. I could pay a nurse 1500 per week but I will not pay 7k for him to be in a home at my sisters insistence. She only wants him to be in her city and not here.

So let's recap. You are willing to pay 6-7k if he is in your house, but you don't want to pay 7k to put him in a home. So it's not the money at all, it's a who's in charge issue. Because it's annoying that she perceives she's in charge and you have to foot the bill. (I get that.) Also, she is probably annoyed that you perceive you can dictate unilaterally what will happen because you have the money when she's been the one there with him. You clearly have issues with your sister that need to be sorted out.

What is best for your dad? Forget about you and your sister for a minute and whatever long-standing issues you have with each other.

I get why the sister is annoyed, but she needs to get over it. The person who is tasked with paying $84k per year for nursing home care DOES get to unilaterally dictate where that money is spent. It's just a fact of life.

On $170,000, you cannot afford $84K a year. Either step up and take over or butt out and let her deal with it. You are just complaining... not helping.

We could afford it. House and cars are paid for. We could do it, but I just want my sister to be more appreciative.

OMG. This is the other nursing home poster. In our case, it is NOT "whether or not we could do it", but Jesus - WHO has that kind of money lying around????? We live in a nice situation, but no way in hell is DH going to shell out all that cash, when we pay boku bucks into the system, and the parent more than qualifies. As far as we are concerned, if the parent needs 24/7 care, and the parent qualifies, no one is paying a thing, but what we have already paid. It's no gift to anyone else but ourselves, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dad should pay for it with his assets.

this. what about the long term care policy? he should have already set that up or all three of you need to right now.
don't bankrupt yourself, your retirement, your kids in order to do this. you have a lot to think about before you get massively sandwiched here.

[Anonymous]

you gross $170k a year with your spouse? and you want to pay $84k/year for a nursing home from your after-tax income and your sibling will contribute no money?

Good luck.

I would go back to the drawing board here and try to find an affordable option - church, temple, etc. affiliated that takes over the payments once Gpa is bankrupt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your dad should pay for it with his assets.

this. what about the long term care policy? he should have already set that up or all three of you need to right now.
don't bankrupt yourself, your retirement, your kids in order to do this. you have a lot to think about before you get massively sandwiched here.

This is what my sibling is trying to do to us. As long as singling tries to "ruin" us, sibling will consider (sibling's) life complete. Viola! Other NH poster here.

[Anonymous]

sinling=sibling