Sibling expects me to pay for nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking care of someone with dementia is a hard, hard, task. Not everyone is capable of doing it. You are asking for her to care for him round the clock? I think you're wrong in saying he doesn't need a nurse.

OMG! Your sister needs help! Call one of the social services agencies in your area - Catholic Charities, Jewish, etc. and there will be someone who can help you figure out your options. Does your father have assets? How much can each of you reasonably contribute to his care? There is NO way that you can reasonably expect your sister to take care of him BY HERSELF 24/7. If $7,000/per month is too expensive, then you and she need to find alternatives and that can perhaps include a nurse's aide in the house (depending on what he level of care he needs).

[Anonymous]

And your sister might post: "sibling wants me to assume all care for our dad with dementia, who needs 24 hour assistance". You obviously have no idea what her day to day is with your dad, and no understanding of how hard it is to care for someone with dementia in your home (he doesn't need a nurse because "she's home all day anyway"?? WTF?)

[Anonymous]

OP, you are nuts. At the VERY LEAST you need to pay for full time in home nursing if you want him to live with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have money. He has dementia and is not of sound mind/body. I suggested that he could live with her (they are both in the same city and he lives with her now anyway) and I would pay her a stipend of sorts (2k/month) for her role in caring for him. He doesn't need a nurse to care for him because my sister is at home all day anyway.

Why don't you live with him for a month and take care of him 24-7 for 2k and see how you feel at the end of the month.

Obviously you have zero respect for your sister. Whether that's warranted or not, what you are asking her to do is not reasonable. Even if she is unemployed and does nothing all day, that doesn't mean she has to take less than $3/hr from you to take care of your dad with dementia. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By asking you to pay for a nursing home, she is telling you she needs help and cannot do this by herself.

+1

[Anonymous]

How about your demented father move in with you and you can care for him 24/7? Taking care of a demented family member is a pain in the butt.

Put him in a nursing home and when he runs out of assets, medicaid will pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have money. He has dementia and is not of sound mind/body. I suggested that he could live with her (they are both in the same city and he lives with her now anyway) and I would pay her a stipend of sorts (2k/month) for her role in caring for him. He doesn't need a nurse to care for him because my sister is at home all day anyway.

Either help pay for a nursing assistant or let him go to a nursing home. His assets or Medicaid will pay for the nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:jump on to this...my in laws are in PA. currently paying for their own nursing care. their assets will run out....as the sole provider in my household is there any way I could get stuck footing the bill for my MIL and FIL?!

Absolutely not, if they are in a nursing home, apply for the special nursing home medicaid. They will take their social security and leave them $75 a month each, so you just supplement their needs. We have been through this. No, you do not foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about your demented father move in with you and you can care for him 24/7? Taking care of a demented family member is a pain in the butt.

Put him in a nursing home and when he runs out of assets, medicaid will pay.

Being a SAHM, I took care of my MIL for about 9 months - it was a nightmare. I could not leave her alone in the house more than a few minutes and she would not remember to feed herself or do anything. Its not an easy job. I would not do it for a few thousand a month. If you think its easy, you do it. You cannot do it without help. Medicaid has a special long term care option (different than regular medicaid).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:jump on to this...my in laws are in PA. currently paying for their own nursing care. their assets will run out....as the sole provider in my household is there any way I could get stuck footing the bill for my MIL and FIL?!

Absolutely not, if they are in a nursing home, apply for the special nursing home medicaid. They will take their social security and leave them $75 a month each, so you just supplement their needs. We have been through this. No, you do not foot the bill.

You won't get stuck footing the bill for your MIL and FIL IF you ensure they apply for Medicaid. If they somehow mess up on the Medicaid process due to the strict parental fillial laws there is a possibility you will get stuck with the bill. The nursing home will go for whoever they think they can get the money from. It is your responsibility that they don't mess up the paperwork or the onus is on you.

[Anonymous]

Filial duty laws are sort of a new problem. Laws have always been on the books in some states but no one used to enforce them. There is a new trend to start trying so it should be on your radar. Not all states have them so its not an issue for everyone, but if you research the topic you will see some test cases that should give you some concern.

Generally, they are looking to make sure the parent did not dump their assets into a child's account to get out of paying the bill. If this is not the case, you would typically be ok. Other things they might look at would be whether you lived with them, received monthly stipends, etc.

We are concerned about this issue with my father-in-law. He is healthy now, but he is depleting his savings, raiding his 401ks, and has not worked a day in the last 10 years. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to stop him- we have tried. But we are starting to research what we should do to at least protect our own assets from any potential future liability. This isn't to say that we would not help him when the time comes, but if it happens tomorrow.. we certainly do not have enough liquid assets to provide full coverage.

[Anonymous]

But the sister is home anyway, as per OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Filial duty laws are sort of a new problem. Laws have always been on the books in some states but no one used to enforce them. There is a new trend to start trying so it should be on your radar. Not all states have them so its not an issue for everyone, but if you research the topic you will see some test cases that should give you some concern.

Generally, they are looking to make sure the parent did not dump their assets into a child's account to get out of paying the bill. If this is not the case, you would typically be ok. Other things they might look at would be whether you lived with them, received monthly stipends, etc.

We are concerned about this issue with my father-in-law. He is healthy now, but he is depleting his savings, raiding his 401ks, and has not worked a day in the last 10 years. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to stop him- we have tried. But we are starting to research what we should do to at least protect our own assets from any potential future liability. This isn't to say that we would not help him when the time comes, but if it happens tomorrow.. we certainly do not have enough liquid assets to provide full coverage.

You are being overly dramatic and inappropriate. For those who have been through this, that is the last thing I was worried about. At the nursing home, they asked us to sign a form saying we would be financially responsible. We said no. Problem solved. They send bills in both our names, we ignore them. Simple. We told them it was inappropriate and they don't care. You cannot be forced to be financially responsible for a parent. BTW, being retired means yo don't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But the sister is home anyway, as per OP.

That doesn't mean she's literally home every second of the day. Dementia patients need constant supervision. Who is going to watch him while she goes grocery shopping, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:jump on to this...my in laws are in PA. currently paying for their own nursing care. their assets will run out....as the sole provider in my household is there any way I could get stuck footing the bill for my MIL and FIL?!

Absolutely not, if they are in a nursing home, apply for the special nursing home medicaid. They will take their social security and leave them $75 a month each, so you just supplement their needs. We have been through this. No, you do not foot the bill.

You won't get stuck footing the bill for your MIL and FIL IF you ensure they apply for Medicaid. If they somehow mess up on the Medicaid process due to the strict parental fillial laws there is a possibility you will get stuck with the bill. The nursing home will go for whoever they think they can get the money from. It is your responsibility that they don't mess up the paperwork or the onus is on you.

When you sign in your parent, they ask you to sign lots of forms. One was financial. We told them my MIL was an adult and we were not financially responsible. They argued with us and I said I'd have my lawyer look it over to verify what they are saying. I never signed it. They send us bills in my name and my husband's. We do not pay them and told them to stop as we are not paying. They legally cannot bill us for services for someone else when we didn't sign a consent (nor is she my mother which makes it even more odd but I handle the daily care issues). Even if you don't apply for medicaid, then the hospital will have staff to do it or they need to make a plan for your parent before releasing them. If the other family members are gifted money, then they will be denied medicaid until that amount is repaid or made up I forget how. You will only be stuck with the bill if you consent. So, read paperwork carefully.