I want to quit my job (or get transferred) and move my family to London/Paris

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too am highly educated (BA Harvard, PHD economics, top ten school). I wouldn't be that confident of my own ability to get a job in London/Paris. Specific experience will matter more than education. Companies usually send people abroad to manage/set up a project that they have already set up/managed in the US.

A couple of things to ask:

What will your wife do? Is her career portable? Will she be stuck at home with two small kids, with no social support network? It is difficult to make friends in Europe. people live within 100 miles of where they grew up and went to school, so their social networks are established.

London is expensive. A 2 BR apartment in a decent neighborhood with a reasonable commute is $2500-3000 per month. They have school choice there, and if you aren't resident to enter the lottery the March before school starts, your kid ends up in a school 10 miles from home. Your other option would be private schools, which are a bit less than school in the US, so figure 20K per year per kid.

Stop with your road blocks. OP present the idea to your wife and tell her it is something you'd like to experience at the stage in your career and you would like to do it as a family. I've done this several times with my DH. After about 15 years i've finally put a stop to all the international moving because it is the best choices for our teenagers. Your kids age makes it an ideal time to do this, the middle school years not so good. Yes, it is hard to make friends in Europe, but most expat make friends with other expats. If your wife won't take the challenge to grow as a person then you will indeed may end up resenting her. My DH can't hold that over my head because I've given every opportunity he needed to explore his career options.

You are within reason to ask your wife to do this if you're willing to absorb the financial consequences to her career, my DH is the main provide as a result of our choices and his okay with it.

Wrong, dear, as long as SHE is willing to accept the financial consequences to her career as well as the fact that she may lose a chance for re-entry. The move is the most hardship for the wife, not OP. You don't get to decide for someone how much shit they should take on.

[Anonymous]

If I were your wife, provided you definitely had a job offer abroad and weren't just wishfully dreaming, I'd be throwing a party in celebration - that sort of thing sounds awesome to me.

BUT. Your wife is a homebody. Either find out her concrete fears and dispel them or plan to never live abroad or divorce.

Has this never come up before? This is a fairly basic life choice that should be discussed before marriage as a compatibility issue (I always knew that there may be a chance DH would want to work overseas and was fine with it; hasn't happened so far).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish. If she doesn't want to, you need to just drop it. If you've "always" wanted to do this, then you should have remained a bachelor or found a woman who was on board with your plans.

Why is he the selfish one and she's not?? Seems to be like a good compromise is for both parties to agree to move for a few years and then come back.

Because he is the one asking her to uproot, change her entire life, and move to another country for something that only he is interested in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish. If she doesn't want to, you need to just drop it. If you've "always" wanted to do this, then you should have remained a bachelor or found a woman who was on board with your plans.

Why is he the selfish one and she's not?? Seems to be like a good compromise is for both parties to agree to move for a few years and then come back.

Because he is the one asking her to uproot, change her entire life, and move to another country for something that only he is interested in?

If he had a job offer for better pay, career advancement, etc that would be more than something that "only he is interested in".

Ask your wife after you have the offer in hand, OP. Maybe even she will think it is too good to pass up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I too am highly educated (BA Harvard, PHD economics, top ten school). I wouldn't be that confident of my own ability to get a job in London/Paris. Specific experience will matter more than education. Companies usually send people abroad to manage/set up a project that they have already set up/managed in the US.

A couple of things to ask:

What will your wife do? Is her career portable? Will she be stuck at home with two small kids, with no social support network? It is difficult to make friends in Europe. people live within 100 miles of where they grew up and went to school, so their social networks are established.

London is expensive. A 2 BR apartment in a decent neighborhood with a reasonable commute is $2500-3000 per month. They have school choice there, and if you aren't resident to enter the lottery the March before school starts, your kid ends up in a school 10 miles from home. Your other option would be private schools, which are a bit less than school in the US, so figure 20K per year per kid.

exact same as DC.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I currently work for a well regarded global PE firm in DC so finding a job in Europe isn't the issue. My wife currently stays at home and she would do that in Europe. I lived in London for 2 and a half years (forms 2 & 3) when my dad worked for a US bank there and I've been frequently so I'm pretty comfortable with the culture. While I've been to Paris before, it's been as a tourist so I acknowledge it would be a bit more of an adjustment. I just look at my life and living here and all I see is a rote existence and would love to expose our kids to something a bit different. The fact that she won't even engage in dialogue is the crux of my frustration.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'll also add that I am a bit burned out with my current position, and might feel a bit "lost at sea" if you will. So part of this is wanting a change of scenery.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the updates OP. I think I would say find a different job here, do that for a couple years and revisit all of this later. All of this isn't going to go away just by fleeing to London. Also, ditch the Paris idea, if you don't speak French, it's a really bad one (I'm one of the PPs who is from there, grew up partially in the U.S expat community and you don't want to be there with no French, trust me!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I currently work for a well regarded global PE firm in DC so finding a job in Europe isn't the issue. My wife currently stays at home and she would do that in Europe. I lived in London for 2 and a half years (forms 2 & 3) when my dad worked for a US bank there and I've been frequently so I'm pretty comfortable with the culture. While I've been to Paris before, it's been as a tourist so I acknowledge it would be a bit more of an adjustment. I just look at my life and living here and all I see is a rote existence and would love to expose our kids to something a bit different. The fact that she won't even engage in dialogue is the crux of my frustration.

If you move to London, you're still going to have to go to work everyday. How will this change your "rote existence," other than by changing the scenery? I'd start by looking for ways to make your life here more interesting and meaningful. Also, talk to your wife when you have a real offer or something very close to it, rather than just asking your wife to chuck her life here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I currently work for a well regarded global PE firm in DC so finding a job in Europe isn't the issue. My wife currently stays at home and she would do that in Europe. I lived in London for 2 and a half years (forms 2 & 3) when my dad worked for a US bank there and I've been frequently so I'm pretty comfortable with the culture. While I've been to Paris before, it's been as a tourist so I acknowledge it would be a bit more of an adjustment. I just look at my life and living here and all I see is a rote existence and would love to expose our kids to something a bit different. The fact that she won't even engage in dialogue is the crux of my frustration.

If you move to London, you're still going to have to go to work everyday. How will this change your "rote existence," other than by changing the scenery? I'd start by looking for ways to make your life here more interesting and meaningful. Also, talk to your wife when you have a real offer or something very close to it, rather than just asking your wife to chuck her life here.

Try getting rid of your cars and moving to an apt in San Francisco to start. Maybe it will feel chic and urban and easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish. If she doesn't want to, you need to just drop it. If you've "always" wanted to do this, then you should have remained a bachelor or found a woman who was on board with your plans.

Why is he the selfish one and she's not?? Seems to be like a good compromise is for both parties to agree to move for a few years and then come back.

Because he is the one asking her to uproot, change her entire life, and move to another country for something that only he is interested in?

And shes only interested in staying in the US. Marriage is about compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound selfish. If she doesn't want to, you need to just drop it. If you've "always" wanted to do this, then you should have remained a bachelor or found a woman who was on board with your plans.

Why is he the selfish one and she's not?? Seems to be like a good compromise is for both parties to agree to move for a few years and then come back.

Because he is the one asking her to uproot, change her entire life, and move to another country for something that only he is interested in?

And shes only interested in staying in the US. Marriage is about compromise.

She is a SAHM here and would be one in London or Paris. She can move for his job that is supporting the family. Meet the job first, OP.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Revolutionary Road

Bingo. OP is bad at marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife sounds selfish.

Dunno about that, she generously chose to marry a self-centered loser like OP.