What to tell our kids to call my step-mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sisters kids call her by her first name.

She was the reason their grandparents got a divorce.

None of the kids affected want their own children to give her the honor of being called grandma, because she is not.

I'm a kid of divorce and raging infidelity too and I think this is an interesting perspective because I had a very, very visceral reaction that went 180 degrees opposite. And so did my husband, also with divorced parents.

I didn't want my kid having anything to do with all of that, he doesn't need to carry any of the weight of someone else's crap relationship decisions. Thus we have no "step-uncles" or "step-grandpas" or anything like that, regardless of how close I feel with any of them or the remarried parents.. Even though our parents only remarried as we were adults so our step siblings never grew up with us or anything, they are still either "uncle", "aunt" etc.

As for grandparents, my rule was that you love my kid and treat them like a grandkid then you certainly are a grandparents and can be called whatever you and my son want together. I wanted the burden of fault, choosing language, ranking relationships, picking sides or any of that to never touch him. He has 6 grandparents (3 by blood, 3 remarried spouses) who adore him and he adores right back.

Also, IMO the reason the grandparents got divorced is squarely on the grandparents- the 3rd party was not doing anything noble in there of course but that person was invited in by grandma or grandpa making the mess in the 1st place, and they shoulder the responsibilities of their marriage and its endurance or disintegration, solely. No one can "break up" my marriage except my husband or myself. Even in a situation where 1 spouse completely ruins things and/or leaves, that would be "grandma" or "grandpa" and we don't seem to advocate taking away their title in this situation.

Maybe that is part of it.

I have met the woman once and there is not an endearing bone in her body. Perhaps that is part of the reason she is not considered by anything but her first name.

Was this OP responding? Because if so, I'm really confused as to why this is an issue, when she's married to your father for most of your life, but you've only met her once? What involvement is she likely to actually have with your kids that you even need to worry about the naming issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking a lot about this because I need an answer before it's on us. My parents are divorced and my father remarried shortly there after. I've never called his wife by anything other than her first name, let's call her Sue. As we're preparing to start our family, we were talking about what we want our parents to be called. Grandma, grandpa, etc. I have no idea about my father's wife. Because no, she is not a grandmother to anybody. Despite them being married for almost as long as I've been alive, she was not a mother in any way of raising me. Do we call the real parents "grandma, grandpa" and then call her "Grandma Sue?" Am I just over thinking this?

My sister is a step-grandmother and the kids call her "Mimi" - not even close to her actual name.

[Anonymous]

Just pick a name like "nana" or "tutu" or something like that. If you're comfortable with "grandma," I'd personally not shy away from using that just because of a technicality, but if not, use some other silly name or something like "auntie."

[Anonymous]

My step grandkids have a nickname for me, short for my first name which they could never pronounce. Kali short for Kalini.
My DS calls his step-grandpa Papa K.

[Anonymous]

All of my DH's siblings and cousins called their paternal (and incidentally, biological) grandmother by their first name. It was a kind of unique and unusual first name -- let's say it was something like Roz (real name Rosalind). When she died everyone had loving remarks to say about Roz. So my vote is just Sue.

[Anonymous]

I would never advocate for a child to call an adult by their first name without a title or honorific. When nannying, I was Miss X, my grandparents, greats and great-great were all Grandma or Grandpa while talking to them, or Grandma/Grandpa Last name if not. My father is remarried, and my step-mother is Masi (mah see), short for mom-nickname, because even though I was an adult when they married, it's not respectful to call her by name, nor was I comfortable calling her mom or mother. I know I'm more formal with language than most people, my parents were Mommy and Daddy until I went to preschool, then they became Mother and Father because I thought it sounded better. But even so, there's no way that I would tell my child to call a grandparent Grandma First name or leave off Grandma altogether, even if he/she was a step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine call my dad's wife "Sue" because they have to call her something on the few occasions she doesn't run away when we are around. But, I hate my step mother and she hates me/my kids, so there's that.

Pretty much this for me, too. Except my "Sue" just looooves my kids when they are being perfect little angels.

[Anonymous]

First name.

[Anonymous]

Why not Grand-Sue? She's not your ma, but she's still grand.

[Anonymous]

I'm remarried so my kids have DH's parents as "grandparents" as well as their regular grandparent. Everyone chose a name such as Grandpa firstname, or Nana firstname, or just Grandma or PopPop. It really doesn't matter because they are rarely all in the same place at once and if they are the child will know who they are speaking to. There can easily be 2 Grandma's or Grandpa's.

[Anonymous]

Nana Harlot of course

[Anonymous]

OP,

I think all the advice to "let it go" and "forgive" are misguided. Forgiveness needs to happen when you are ready. Genuine forgiveness can't be forced. I'm not Jewish, but like the Jewish approach to forgiveness, which is that amends must first be made before forgiveness must be granted.

I also disagree that this woman is a "grand" in any way, and I totally understand you and your siblings not wanting to give her the honorific. I would just have your kids call her by the first name.