What to tell our kids to call my step-mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sisters kids call her by her first name.

She was the reason their grandparents got a divorce.

None of the kids affected want their own children to give her the honor of being called grandma, because she is not.

Was this OP again?

If this is the case, then why don't you follow your sister's lead and call her Sue? As long as you all want to prolong the animosity and all.

[Anonymous]

Mimi?

[Anonymous]

OP, ask her what she wants to be called. But if you ask her, and she says that she wants to be called [whatever], then you have to actually use [whatever]. Don't ask her what she wants to be called and then don't use it.

[Anonymous]

Why poison your future child's relationship with his/her grandparent by creating this problem? This will be your kid's grandparent. No, kid will not care how/when that happened because it will feel like ancient history to them. Allow her the choice of what to be called, like any other grandparent, and hope that this person is a better grandparent than step-parent (many people are). Geesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sisters kids call her by her first name.

She was the reason their grandparents got a divorce.

None of the kids affected want their own children to give her the honor of being called grandma, because she is not.

Was this OP again?

If this is the case, then why don't you follow your sister's lead and call her Sue? As long as you all want to prolong the animosity and all.

Not OP.

Just giving an example of how some people deal with this.

Her husband and siblings view her as a homewrecker among other things. After a couple of decades they are still team mom with regards to their dad's wife and none of the grandkids refer to her by anything endearing. It is first name only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking a lot about this because I need an answer before it's on us. My parents are divorced and my father remarried shortly there after. I've never called his wife by anything other than her first name, let's call her Sue. As we're preparing to start our family, we were talking about what we want our parents to be called. Grandma, grandpa, etc. I have no idea about my father's wife. Because no, she is not a grandmother to anybody. Despite them being married for almost as long as I've been alive, she was not a mother in any way of raising me. Do we call the real parents "grandma, grandpa" and then call her "Grandma Sue?" Am I just over thinking this?

You might be overthinking this. I had a Grandma Hannah and a Grandma Betty. My kid has a Grandma and Grandpa and a Nanna and Poppa. If this woman is their grandfather's wife, she should be called some analog to whatever he is called. Kids don't care who is related to who how; they care about who is their family and who loves them. She may not be a mother to you, but she might end up being a grandmother to your future kids. Also, don't give titles like this too much power. Calling her Grandma Sue doesn't have to be a big statement about your relationship with her or what she "deserves" or how you feel about her. It's just a way for your kids to refer to her. And they might very well come up with something original on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sisters kids call her by her first name.

She was the reason their grandparents got a divorce.

None of the kids affected want their own children to give her the honor of being called grandma, because she is not.

I'm a kid of divorce and raging infidelity too and I think this is an interesting perspective because I had a very, very visceral reaction that went 180 degrees opposite. And so did my husband, also with divorced parents.

I didn't want my kid having anything to do with all of that, he doesn't need to carry any of the weight of someone else's crap relationship decisions. Thus we have no "step-uncles" or "step-grandpas" or anything like that, regardless of how close I feel with any of them or the remarried parents.. Even though our parents only remarried as we were adults so our step siblings never grew up with us or anything, they are still either "uncle", "aunt" etc.

As for grandparents, my rule was that you love my kid and treat them like a grandkid then you certainly are a grandparents and can be called whatever you and my son want together. I wanted the burden of fault, choosing language, ranking relationships, picking sides or any of that to never touch him. He has 6 grandparents (3 by blood, 3 remarried spouses) who adore him and he adores right back.

Also, IMO the reason the grandparents got divorced is squarely on the grandparents- the 3rd party was not doing anything noble in there of course but that person was invited in by grandma or grandpa making the mess in the 1st place, and they shoulder the responsibilities of their marriage and its endurance or disintegration, solely. No one can "break up" my marriage except my husband or myself. Even in a situation where 1 spouse completely ruins things and/or leaves, that would be "grandma" or "grandpa" and we don't seem to advocate taking away their title in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sisters kids call her by her first name.

She was the reason their grandparents got a divorce.

None of the kids affected want their own children to give her the honor of being called grandma, because she is not.

I'm a kid of divorce and raging infidelity too and I think this is an interesting perspective because I had a very, very visceral reaction that went 180 degrees opposite. And so did my husband, also with divorced parents.

I didn't want my kid having anything to do with all of that, he doesn't need to carry any of the weight of someone else's crap relationship decisions. Thus we have no "step-uncles" or "step-grandpas" or anything like that, regardless of how close I feel with any of them or the remarried parents.. Even though our parents only remarried as we were adults so our step siblings never grew up with us or anything, they are still either "uncle", "aunt" etc.

As for grandparents, my rule was that you love my kid and treat them like a grandkid then you certainly are a grandparents and can be called whatever you and my son want together. I wanted the burden of fault, choosing language, ranking relationships, picking sides or any of that to never touch him. He has 6 grandparents (3 by blood, 3 remarried spouses) who adore him and he adores right back.

Also, IMO the reason the grandparents got divorced is squarely on the grandparents- the 3rd party was not doing anything noble in there of course but that person was invited in by grandma or grandpa making the mess in the 1st place, and they shoulder the responsibilities of their marriage and its endurance or disintegration, solely. No one can "break up" my marriage except my husband or myself. Even in a situation where 1 spouse completely ruins things and/or leaves, that would be "grandma" or "grandpa" and we don't seem to advocate taking away their title in this situation.

Exactly. Let the animosity end with the generation that was there, not future generations.

[Anonymous]

I had Grammy Davis and a Grammy Jock. One by her last name and one by her nickname. Gram parents can be called whatever.

I will just say that I had a horrific relationship with my dad. He was a horrible dad. But he was an amazing grandfather. The shock of my life honestly. Let your kids develop their own relationships with grandparents, step or otherwise. They could become some of the most enriching relationships they ever have.

[Anonymous]

My kids have six grandparents. My parents divorced when I was five and are both in long term relationships with others, though not remarried. My father's sig other has been in my life since I was in high school and I love her like family. My mom's sig other has been around at least 10 years or so. We refer to both of them as Grandma First Name and Grandpa First Name just like the biological grandparents. Only my dad has ever mentioned it being weird (and he's kind of an ass). I don't think my mom is hurt by it. She, and I, know that the more people who love a kid, the better!

In terms of waiting for the kids to develop a name for the grandparents, I get the advice but is surprised it works in practice. I couldn't go 2 years before my oldest could talk before deciding how to refer to grandparents, and she didn't make up names that differed from what I called them, she just went with it. Maybe the baby will turn out more creative...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids have six grandparents. My parents divorced when I was five and are both in long term relationships with others, though not remarried. My father's sig other has been in my life since I was in high school and I love her like family. My mom's sig other has been around at least 10 years or so. We refer to both of them as Grandma First Name and Grandpa First Name just like the biological grandparents. Only my dad has ever mentioned it being weird (and he's kind of an ass). I don't think my mom is hurt by it. She, and I, know that the more people who love a kid, the better!

In terms of waiting for the kids to develop a name for the grandparents, I get the advice but is surprised it works in practice. I couldn't go 2 years before my oldest could talk before deciding how to refer to grandparents, and she didn't make up names that differed from what I called them, she just went with it. Maybe the baby will turn out more creative...

Oh and also, just to address specific things OP mentioned that I missed - I call my dad's sig other by her first name too. I don't think I need to call her "mom" in order for my kids to call her "grandma." And she has no kids of her own, so she will only be grandma to mine.

[Anonymous]

Mine call my dad's wife "Sue" because they have to call her something on the few occasions she doesn't run away when we are around. But, I hate my step mother and she hates me/my kids, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

My son calls DH's stepfather the same thing DH's biological grandkids call him. The "step" factor doesn't make a difference to DS.

[Anonymous]

Let the animosity end with the generation that was there, not future generations.

+1

Also, +1 for asking the grandparent what they would like to be called. You can even direct your step mother away from your mother's term. "Sue, what would you like Johnny to call you? My Mom will be Grandma, is there a different name that you would prefer?"

Don't make her wear the scarlet letter forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son calls DH's stepfather the same thing DH's biological grandkids call him. The "step" factor doesn't make a difference to DS.

Whoops - should say "My son calls DH's stepfather the same thing DH's stepfather's biological grandkids call him."