What to tell our kids to call my step-mother?

[Anonymous]

Our kids call my DH's step parents Grandma and Grandpa. While he is not super close to his stepmom, she is a very lovely person, and loves our children. We decided not to have any differentiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you aren't even pregnant yet and you're worried about this? Issues.

When you're the kid of divorce - you think about these things to prepare for the eventuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you aren't even pregnant yet and you're worried about this? Issues.

When you're the kid of divorce - you think about these things to prepare for the eventuality.

Maybe you do. I'm the kid of divorce and so is my husband. We didn't discuss this like it was a real issue until shortly before DD was born. You don't actually need to prepare for every eventuality. Some things can actually be sorted out in the moment.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you want your father's wife to be like a grandparent to your kids? How does she treat your sister's kids?

[Anonymous]

DH's parents are divorced. His dad remarried before DH and I were married. We didn't really have a relationship with them until dd was on the way. We just asked what she wanted to be called. DH and I have always called her by her first name, and continue to do so, but the kids call her granny.

I think it pissed off DH's mom when she found out that the "new" woman (of many years) was elevated to grandparent status to the children.

[Anonymous]

Ours is called Nana. The other two biological grandmothers have different Grandma-y names. Just figure out what they want to be called and then come up with a different version for the step mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to encourage my dd to call my stepmom "Grandma ___________". I call her by her first name. She and my dad have been married since I was a young teen, and I have a good relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

All of our kids grandmas (and our grandmas too for that matter) are Grandma FirstName. So if I were you I'd just continue that with her (unless there are duplicate first names or you hate her that much.)

[Anonymous]

My dad's dad got remarried after his wife's death. I think my dad was 22 at the time? All ten grandkids called her Mama. We called my dad's dad Papa. She may not have raised my dad but she WAS our grandmother in action though not by blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sisters kids call her by her first name.

She was the reason their grandparents got a divorce.

None of the kids affected want their own children to give her the honor of being called grandma, because she is not.

I'm a kid of divorce and raging infidelity too and I think this is an interesting perspective because I had a very, very visceral reaction that went 180 degrees opposite. And so did my husband, also with divorced parents.

I didn't want my kid having anything to do with all of that, he doesn't need to carry any of the weight of someone else's crap relationship decisions. Thus we have no "step-uncles" or "step-grandpas" or anything like that, regardless of how close I feel with any of them or the remarried parents.. Even though our parents only remarried as we were adults so our step siblings never grew up with us or anything, they are still either "uncle", "aunt" etc.

As for grandparents, my rule was that you love my kid and treat them like a grandkid then you certainly are a grandparents and can be called whatever you and my son want together. I wanted the burden of fault, choosing language, ranking relationships, picking sides or any of that to never touch him. He has 6 grandparents (3 by blood, 3 remarried spouses) who adore him and he adores right back.

Also, IMO the reason the grandparents got divorced is squarely on the grandparents- the 3rd party was not doing anything noble in there of course but that person was invited in by grandma or grandpa making the mess in the 1st place, and they shoulder the responsibilities of their marriage and its endurance or disintegration, solely. No one can "break up" my marriage except my husband or myself. Even in a situation where 1 spouse completely ruins things and/or leaves, that would be "grandma" or "grandpa" and we don't seem to advocate taking away their title in this situation.

Maybe that is part of it.

I have met the woman once and there is not an endearing bone in her body. Perhaps that is part of the reason she is not considered by anything but her first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I didn't want my kid having anything to do with all of that, he doesn't need to carry any of the weight of someone else's crap relationship decisions. Thus we have no "step-uncles" or "step-grandpas" or anything like that, regardless of how close I feel with any of them or the remarried parents.. Even though our parents only remarried as we were adults so our step siblings never grew up with us or anything, they are still either "uncle", "aunt" etc.

Exactly. Let the animosity end with the generation that was there, not future generations.

I agree. I can understand when adult kids cannot forgive the stepparent homewrecker, but when you have children, you have to grow up and teach your children better. If you continue to hold this grudge to the point of not allowing your child to have an endearing name for the person, then you should be satisfied that you will help prevent this person from ever being able to have a caring relationship with your child and you will be the one who will deprive your children of an extra grandparental figure to love them. Alternatively, you can leave the rift between the adults and let the child have a caring relationship with an extended grandparent. Be aware that should you continue to let this fester to the point that you keep the grandfather's new wife at arm's length, you may also prevent your father from becoming a caring grandparent, too as you may make him feel distant and unwelcome as well. That's a harsh thing to do to your children who won't understand why they don't get to see grandpa and his wife more often. No one is asking you to forgive her and call her mother, but as the PP said so succinctly, let the animosity end with your generation and not continue into your children's generation.

[Anonymous]

We don't have step-grandparents, but we did let each grandparent pick what the grandkids called them. Children will learn names that you teach them, and it helps grandparents bond if the grandkids call them by a name that they prefer. Would you like someone else dictating if your children call you Mom, Mommy, Mama, etc? Of course not. You teach them what you want to be called. Give the grandparents the same courtesy. If both want the same name, then consider Grandma Betty and Grandma Sue or Nana Sally and Nana Jane. I've noticed that those who have an input in what they'll be called always feel close. The ones that get a name assigned may or may not feel as close as they might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking a lot about this because I need an answer before it's on us. My parents are divorced and my father remarried shortly there after. I've never called his wife by anything other than her first name, let's call her Sue. As we're preparing to start our family, we were talking about what we want our parents to be called. Grandma, grandpa, etc. I have no idea about my father's wife. Because no, she is not a grandmother to anybody. Despite them being married for almost as long as I've been alive, she was not a mother in any way of raising me. Do we call the real parents "grandma, grandpa" and then call her "Grandma Sue?" Am I just over thinking this?

We called my husband's parents "Grandpa Joe and "Grandma Jane," and called his step-mother "Grandma Nancy." Nancy was a sucky step-mother, but she is the mother of two of his siblings. We just explained that Jane is DH's mom and Nancy is Uncle Bob's and Aunt Reggie's mom.

[Anonymous]

I advise against calling her grandma. She's no one's grandmother as you said, OP. My step MIL refers to herself as Grandma Larla, but my mom had to come up with some other name, not Grandma. It doesn't seem fair the step grandparent gets dibs on Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I advise against calling her grandma. She's no one's grandmother as you said, OP. My step MIL refers to herself as Grandma Larla, but my mom had to come up with some other name, not Grandma. It doesn't seem fair the step grandparent gets dibs on Grandma.

If she thought of herself as OP's children's grandmother, I would agree. What else would you call a grandfather's wife? Would you refer to them as "Grandpa" and "that hussy who sunk her claws in him"?