In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.

[Anonymous]

Count me as another one who cannot understand how you signed a contract obligating you to pay what I assume is hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash that you don't have without remembering that you "can't stand FIL." Honestly, I'm flabbergasted. If this is the way you run your life, you have bigger problems than a mean FIL.

However, what's done is done and now you need to play the hand you've dealt. I agree with everyone else that this sounds like a terrible idea that you, your husband, and kids will regret for years and years. The first thing you need to do is to read that contract that you signed. Honestly, it might not be easy to get out of it. Since its a land purchase I doubt there's an inspection clause or other easy out. Call a lawyer and see what your options are. But do it NOW.

If there's no contractual out, throw yourself on the mercy of the seller. Since its only been 24 hours, them may release you. You need to get a signed release!

If I were in your place, I would do whatever I had to to ensure I did not have to take money from in-laws. So, if you cant get out of the contract, I'd look into loan options and put your house on the market now.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

[Anonymous]

OP here...his parents have put on a face in front of me and DC since DC was born because they want to be involved in DC's life. As such, I thought maybe things changed and FIL has modified his behavior. However, after signing the contract, my FIL started doing the same things he did before we had DC (e.g. criticize DH). He usually never says anything directly to DH and almost never directly towards me (only passive aggressively) but he torments my MIL about it. In turn MIL turn to us for support and that is how we hear about it. We spoke to ILs this morning about our decision to back out of the contract even if we have to pay a penalty and now they are really upset (won't speak to us). DH is feeling really horrible right now. We both lost sleep over it.

[Anonymous]

Cancel the deal and walk away, or run away from FIL!!

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, OP. Stick to your guns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As your FIL gets older, his behavior will possibly worsen. And he will know there is nothing you can do about it once they are entrenched. How do you and your DH will feel about your children witnessing FIL's treatment of family members? What if he starts being abusive and manipulative towards them?

This is so true!! In my family, no one can control (I mean reason with) grandpa. My grandpa (so FIL to my mom) is not emotionally abusive or physically abusive, but has a mouth that wonders quite often crushing mom's heart. As he ages (he is 96 by the way), oh boy, he just does not listen to anyone but trying to make others to listen to him. And, this is from a loving grandpa to his grandchildren/children. Since your FIL from the start is the abusive one, I say back out with any excuses possible (like pp said, county code doesn't allow in-law suit, etc.)

[Anonymous]

oh, I did not read your recent post.

I firmly believe you made a right decision on backing out from the deal. Leave in-laws alone for now. There is nothing they can do about it anyway. So, you win!

[Anonymous]

They're upset. So what?

They're threatening to move cross-country. So what?

It's honestly not your job to protect your MIL from this monster. If she decides she wants to leave him, then yes, absolutely support her, and take her in if you want. But under no circumstances should you be losing sleep over the fact that your abusive FIL is not talking to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here...I have never been able to stand my FIL. He has never been nice to me before our DC was born. When DH and I were dating, I was not allowed at their house, not allowed to call their son when he was living with them, and he has criticized me for not doing things for them (e.g. clean their house). During my pregnancy, DH did not like the way he treated us and the potential for him to emotionally abuse our DC. As such, he forbade my FIL from coming over. FIL tormented MIL and DH felt terrible. I asked my husband to relent to make my MIL and DH feel better. FIL said he will be on his best behavior in front of DC. FIL's attitude improved after DC's birth but the real estate deal turned things back to how it was. He sees the money he is providing as a leverage over us. However, we never asked for the money or this arrangement. If we weren't so blindsighted by the land becoming available and the desire to make MIL happy, we would not have agreed in the beginning.

OP, see bold above. If he lives basically in your home (separate house? It's all one to him) you are very likely to start hearing how you should clean "their" house (or cough up money for someone else to do it).

There is so much wrong here and you know it already in your gut. Your husband is the key here, though. He has to realize that though he wants to make his mom happy, his father's personality -- and the horrid example is father is going to set for your children, who will have grandad right there, 24/7 -- sadly MUST trump the idea of doing all this to please MIL. I am so, so sorry for your MIL here, and for your husband too as he must feel so torn. But once you so much as lay one brick of "their" home you are yoked to them until they die or until FIL has a snit and moves out -- and that will leave MIL hurt anyway.

If they live in a house attached to yours, your husband will be right back to being their son as much as, or more than, he is your family's husband and father. Dad will bring out the worst in him, and he (husband) very possibly might feel he must be more involved with them to "protect" and/or please mom. There will be no escape for your DH and his own home will not be a place of respite from his father. If his father is using money as leverage now, imagine the manipulative way he might continue to do that with your kids. He'll possibly want to be more involved in how "his" money gets spent around the house on every repair or change, he'll criticize you for not doing his housekeeping, he'll be in your kids' lives EVERY day all day....Do you want that dynamic? Even in a family with a ton of love and good relationships, too much togetherness can be an issue at times. Imagine that level of togetherness with a relationship that is as rocky as the one you describe.

It is VERY telling that your FIL only acted human toward you once you produced an child. That is a red flag that he has no real interest in you as a person, only as a gatekeeper for HIS grandchild. Can you live with that under your roof, or rather, under the attached roof that he'll remind you HE paid for?....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Better to rip the bandaid off at once and deal with quick pain than leave it on and let it fester.

+1

[Anonymous]

Having ILs move in is a good way to destroy your marriage, even in the arrangement proposed.

Consider yourself warned.

[Anonymous]

As your FIL gets older, his behavior will possibly worsen. And he will know there is nothing you can do about it once they are entrenched. How do you and your DH will feel about your children witnessing FIL's treatment of family members? What if he starts being abusive and manipulative towards them?

It's not "if", it's 'when'. I grew up in an abusive household and I recognize all the signs. OP, you and your DH need to get to counseling to understand how to establish boundaries and to work through the emotions that setting boundaries will engender. Believe you me, your FIL isn't the only one manipulating you. Your MIL is as well. She enables your FIL's behavior and guilts your DH into it as well. YOU will have to be the one to break this cycle and you are ill equiped to do so. It's not fun but it's something that has to be done. The analogy the PP used about the bandaid is spot on. It's painful as hell in the short run but it's what must be done for the long run.

Oh, I also agree that the meanest people live the longest. Don't count on him dying soon or before your MIL. As cold as it sounds, she made her bed. She has to lie in it. You and your DH don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...his parents have put on a face in front of me and DC since DC was born because they want to be involved in DC's life. As such, I thought maybe things changed and FIL has modified his behavior. However, after signing the contract, my FIL started doing the same things he did before we had DC (e.g. criticize DH). He usually never says anything directly to DH and almost never directly towards me (only passive aggressively) but he torments my MIL about it. In turn MIL turn to us for support and that is how we hear about it. We spoke to ILs this morning about our decision to back out of the contract even if we have to pay a penalty and now they are really upset (won't speak to us). DH is feeling really horrible right now. We both lost sleep over it.

You did the right thing, OP! Good to see you and your DH take a united stand against this.

Yes, it is unpleasant but it can't be a surprise that your in laws are not speaking to you now. You do not want your FIL living in close quarters with you. You two dodged a big one.

[Anonymous]

Do you both work? As a working parent, I preferred having my often verbally abusive dad help out rather than having no one. He was never physically abusive, just always critical. Two children and a job is just very hard and it only gets harder as they grow older. I realize it's my dad and not a FIL, but I think my husband also enjoyed having him nearby. We lived about 15 minutes away, so we didn't see them more than once a week although they took the kids more. They traveled a lot too. But 10 years after he started getting more verbally abusive than previous years, he died, and now we all miss him. I'm so glad my children got to spend time with him. It is a lot harder now with him gone and I'm glad my mom is nearby to see her often and take care of her. She also takes care of us a lot. I think living together is too much, but I wouldn't cut these people out of your life, especially if you feel a tie to the mom.