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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here...I have never been able to stand my FIL.  He has never been nice to me before our DC was born.  When DH and I were dating, I was not allowed at their house, not allowed to call their son when he was living with them, and [b]he has criticized me for not doing things for them (e.g. clean their house).[/b]  During my pregnancy, DH did not like the way he treated us and the potential for him to emotionally abuse our DC.  As such, he forbade my FIL from coming over. FIL tormented MIL and DH felt terrible. I asked my husband to relent to make my MIL and DH feel better.  FIL said he will be on his best behavior in front of DC.  FIL's attitude improved after DC's birth but the real estate deal turned things back to how it was.  He sees the money he is providing as a leverage over us.  However, we never asked for the money or this arrangement. If we weren't so blindsighted by the land becoming available and the desire to make MIL happy, we would not have agreed in the beginning.[/quote]

OP, see bold above. If he lives basically in your home (separate house? It's all one to him) you are very likely to start hearing how you should clean "their" house (or cough up money for someone else to do it).

There is so much wrong here and you know it already in your gut. Your husband is the key here, though. He has to realize that though he wants to make his mom happy, his father's personality -- and the horrid example is father is going to set for your children, who will have grandad right there, 24/7 -- sadly MUST trump the idea of doing all this to please MIL. I am so, so sorry for your MIL here, and for your husband too as he must feel so torn. But once you so much as lay one brick of "their" home you are yoked to them until they die or until FIL has a snit and moves out -- and that will leave MIL hurt anyway.

If they live in a house attached to yours, your husband will be right back to being their son as much as, or more than, he is your family's husband and father. Dad will bring out the worst in him, and he (husband) very possibly might feel he must be more involved with them to "protect" and/or please mom. There will be no escape for your DH and his own home will not be a place of respite from his father. If his father is using money as leverage now, imagine the manipulative way he might continue to do that with your kids. He'll possibly want to be more involved in how "his" money gets spent around the house on every repair or change, he'll criticize you for not doing his housekeeping, he'll be in your kids' lives EVERY day all day....Do you want that dynamic? Even in a family with a ton of love and good relationships, too much togetherness can be an issue at times. Imagine that level of togetherness with a relationship that is as rocky as the one you describe.

It is VERY telling that your FIL only acted human toward you once you produced an child. That is a red flag that he has no real interest in you as a person, only as a gatekeeper for HIS grandchild. Can you live with that under your roof, or rather, under the attached roof that he'll remind you HE paid for?....[/quote]

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