In laws want to live with us in an attached guest house.

[Anonymous]

We were looking to build a house but decided to wait a few years to build up more funds. Our in-laws, out of the blue, offered up a large sum of money so that we can build right now on the condition that we also build an attached guest house for them. Initially, we said that we have not seen the right piece of land yet and thus we can't proceed with their offer. However, a great one popped up unexpectedly. We were so enthralled by the land that we did not consider the full ramifications of this arrangement. Now we have a contract on the land, we don't know what to do because we can't stand my FIL. We considered backing out of the land deal, but my in-laws indicate that they would be greatly hurt by us backing out and threatened to move away across the country. The main reasons we don't want to live with my in-laws is because my FIL is emotionally abusive towards our family. He constantly criticizes my MIL and DH including trivial things such as their haircuts, the fact that my husband is left handed, the shoes my DH is wearing and how they make coffee. He has always disliked me until I had our first child and then I became the goose that laid the golden egg. DH and I always feel like we have to tip toe around him. He holds this deal over our heads as if he has gave us a tremendous gift (even though they are literally paying for construction of their portion of the house and the property taxes and utility costs upfront). My MIL wants us to proceed with the deal because she wants to live next to her grandchild and she is delusional that she can keep his negativity from us. She is hurt that we want to pull out of this deal but we don't know what to do. What should we do to keep our sanity but not hurt his parents?

[Anonymous]

Aren't there some zoning issues that you can discover that would prevent you from building a guest house on the same lot?

[Anonymous]

Terrible idea! Back out.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a no-brainer, back out and hope he follows through on his plan to move across the country.

[Anonymous]

Even if you got along well with your ILs, I would say no way. My cousin bought a house with her MIL. It has gone terribly horribly wrong. They got in a fight, MIL stopped paying the mortgage, there's nothing they can do and will lose the house and may have to file for bankruptcy. It sounds like your FIL will make your life a living hell, I cannot imagine why you would even concider living near him. Encourage them to move across the country, it sounds like he is a an awful influence on your family.

[Anonymous]

I think it would be such a gift for your kids to have grandparents close by. I grew up in a culture where families were dysfunctional and polarized. Sounds like FIL is a PIA...but he's your PIA. It would be such a gift to your children if you could figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be such a gift for your kids to have grandparents close by. I grew up in a culture where families were dysfunctional and polarized. Sounds like FIL is a PIA...but he's your PIA. It would be such a gift to your children if you could figure this out.

WTF are you smoking? OP said FIL is verbally abusive and demeans her DH (the children's father). How is that a great "gift" for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Wait, what? You and your husband hate your FIL. If you back out of the deal he is threatening to move across the country. WHATS THE PROBLEM? Wouldn't him moving across the country be great, what with you HATING HIM and all?

I don't understand why you are hesitating to back out of the deal.

[Anonymous]

Back out, OP. Just say you realize that it's not going to work out but you hope they might buy someplace nearby. That way you're not living together but can still be in the same town. Your MIL needs to hear this from your DH. If they move across the country in a huff, then so be it. It sounds like you and your husband think that would be the lesser of two evils.

Not sure how old your child is, but do you want your experience of raising him or her to be tainted by having to deal with your FIL's daily doses of emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

The reason your FIL gets away with his shit is that everyone tiptoes around him. He has a history of bullying his family and he's bullying you now. Children have to go along with a parent-bully in order to get by, but you guys are not children anymore. Time to stiffen your spine, OP. Just say no.

[Anonymous]

FIL can move across the country if he wants to. Don't let the door hit him on the way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be such a gift for your kids to have grandparents close by. I grew up in a culture where families were dysfunctional and polarized. Sounds like FIL is a PIA...but he's your PIA. It would be such a gift to your children if you could figure this out.

Insane!

[Anonymous]

As your FIL gets older, his behavior will possibly worsen. And he will know there is nothing you can do about it once they are entrenched. How do you and your DH will feel about your children witnessing FIL's treatment of family members? What if he starts being abusive and manipulative towards them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't there some zoning issues that you can discover that would prevent you from building a guest house on the same lot?

Yeah if in MoCo, there are very strict rules on accessory structures -- they basically can't be built like a guest house (no kitchen allowed, etc). However, teh bigger issue is you probably don't want FIL living anywher enear you.

[Anonymous]

Perfect solution, OP, is to look FIL calmly in the eye and say that the deal is off. And then just watch him go off. Takes care of an evening's entertainment.

Too bad for your MIL, but you know, I don't feel great sympathy for doormats. If you're feeling mischievous, you can pointedly invite MIL to your new house in front of FIL.