How to deal with cliquey "mean moms" who are nice but won't become "friends"??

[Anonymous]

So they are mean - only because they don't want to be your new BFFs? It sounds like they are being nice to you - and that they are busy - with plans with other people. If it's every parent in the school but you, that sounds mean. But if it is just a group of close knit friends, that's not being mean.

There are plenty of moms at my son's preschool that are nice to me one event, then the next event it seems like they barely know me again. I spent a few months feeling excluded and like something was wrong with me. But at some point, I just realized that people are tired and busy. And lots of the moms knew each other already, so its not like they are excluding me - more like I was never included. It does make me sad at times - not because of their behavior - but because suddenly I find myself at a point where I could use some more friends, but can't quite click with anyone - because everyone else has a lot of friends already.

Now there is a mom, that I am clearly on her "B" list. It's actually almost funny. My DH and I now laugh when she suddenly calls and their plans have freed up - the A list must be busy.

[Anonymous]

Do something together. Something you would be doing anyway. A volunteer activity or project, a regular workout, a book club. They won't take it to the next step until they know you better, and its hard to make the time to squeeze in something/someone new. But everyone has to workout.

[Anonymous]

Host a play date or mom's night out. I found I had to be fairly direct and approach other moms at my kid's daycare. We are not BFFs but we see each other occasionally. And, more importantly, we can talk during events, email questions, etc.

[Anonymous]

The only reason they're cliquey is b/c they're insecure.

Be a GDI - g-damn independent! And be proud!

[Anonymous]

1256--the Racist "conservative" comment--you are the really why this country is having a problem getting along. A racist is a racist but your obvious feeling that you have to equate racism with being conservative is a problem and something I see with a lot of dems sad to say. I am sure you will chime in about some dramatic situation that I won't buy it. You just hate Republicans..sad because we are good people.

Back to the original question. I felt that way about our preschool in McLean--very very cliquey--but then I decided I would forge my own friendships and I did. I was actually relieved not to hang with people living right in my neighborhodd. I think a little privacy is healthy. One thing I did was organize some "class" get togethers and got to know some parents I didn't think I would have in common. Slowly I got to know people and it's all good.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how you feel. The PPs who have responded with things like "get over it" or "just make your own friends" are being totally insensitive and unsympathetic to your very understandable frustration and anxiety.

I thankfully have a very close group of friends that I've had since my pre-mom days, but if it weren't for them I'd feel very lonely because I find the moms at my DD's preschool to be very cliquey and unwelcoming to newcomers.

At the end of the day, I try to focus on my daughter, my husband and the close friends that I do have. I try to focus on the genuine relationships that I have with them and I try to remind myself that the cliquey, mean moms are probably acting this way out of insecurity or because they don't have genuine love/intimacy/friendship in their lives.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. Know that there are others out there who are good people too, and you will find them eventually. In the mean time, give your kids and husband an extra hug.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much have you done to initiate/pursue friendships with these women? There are people that I am nice to but I don't reach out to because, frankly, my schedule is full. But if someone showed real interest in a friendship, I would try to reciprocate up to the point where we both knew whether the friendship would work or not.

The other thing is: if your child and my child were good friends, I would definitely want to know you better. But if they don't have much of a relationship, unless we really clicked, there would be less payoff (for both of us) in pursuing a deeper friendship. In an ideal world this wouldn't be the case, but in a world crowded with work, family, current friends, volunteering, etc., I'm afraid it is (at least my) reality.

I don't mean to be harsh. Perhaps you've already tried to reach out, in which case my feedback is moot. But if not, if you really think you would like these other moms, I would give them a chance.

I have tried, but thanks for the input. They always have a million excuses but then I find out they are all hanging out and having dinner parties with one another without us. We are "nice people" so not sure what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

This! I can't agree more!

Anonymous wrote:Life's too short. Find your own friends. I avoid these moms at all costs and refuse play dates, too. Call me selfish, but it saves my sanity.

[Anonymous]

I think this kind of thing is all over the place, and it does not even matter if you are a new neighbor on the street or an old one. We've lived on our street for over 10 years and for as long as I can remember we have always been friendly with our neighbors and occassionally more. My son is 11 and the dynamic changed last year when our next store neighbors moved out and a new family moved in. The new family, particularly the mom, immediatly wanted to chum up with everybody in the neighborhood. This made me a little uncomfortable because while I am always friendly with my neighbors, it has never been in a sticky tight kind of way - just a friendly casual way really. Well some f the other neighbors clicked with them and suddenly there is a clique where there was never one before. Even though we have already been friendly with the other neighbors for years, and have even gone out to eat with them or had one set over for New YEar's a coupel times, we are pretty much on the outside of the new click since we have never moved past the casual friendly part. So now we get excluded alot, and they do gatherings on the front lawns, too. It affects my son most because he is friends with all their kids and wonders why we don't get invited. I think its just that the dynamic changed. All it takes is one family. If you are not "in" with that family then you get left out. We're friendly with that family but we haven't become bosom buddies like some of the other neighbors have. So we are the outsiders now when before we never were, and neither was anybody else as far as I knew.

[Anonymous]

wow, that's horrible for your 11 year old son, PP. I hope you are openly talking to him about it, not to take it personally, not to internalize it, ect.. I think the healthiest way to deal with it is to laugh about it- like the earlier post where the mom laughs with her husband- oh, plan A must have cancelled. She's calling me since I'm plan B. At the same time, I hope your son is forging his own close friendships with 1-2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it was always like this but I feel women in general nowadays are more critical and out spoken. With all the talk about bullying and exclusion with kids you would think women would be more kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it was always like this but I feel women in general nowadays are more critical and out spoken. With all the talk about bullying and exclusion with kids you would think women would be more kind.

Nope, it's always been like this. Women are more honest now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this kind of thing is all over the place, and it does not even matter if you are a new neighbor on the street or an old one. We've lived on our street for over 10 years and for as long as I can remember we have always been friendly with our neighbors and occassionally more. My son is 11 and the dynamic changed last year when our next store neighbors moved out and a new family moved in. The new family, particularly the mom, immediatly wanted to chum up with everybody in the neighborhood. This made me a little uncomfortable because while I am always friendly with my neighbors, it has never been in a sticky tight kind of way - just a friendly casual way really. Well some f the other neighbors clicked with them and suddenly there is a clique where there was never one before. Even though we have already been friendly with the other neighbors for years, and have even gone out to eat with them or had one set over for New YEar's a coupel times, we are pretty much on the outside of the new click since we have never moved past the casual friendly part. So now we get excluded alot, and they do gatherings on the front lawns, too. It affects my son most because he is friends with all their kids and wonders why we don't get invited. I think its just that the dynamic changed. All it takes is one family. If you are not "in" with that family then you get left out. We're friendly with that family but we haven't become bosom buddies like some of the other neighbors have. So we are the outsiders now when before we never were, and neither was anybody else as far as I knew.

But you weren't excluded - you actually choose to exclude yourself in this case.

Going back to the OP's post (yes, I realize it is really old at this point) but you did exactly what her neighbors did. You didn't want to invite new family into your circle and wanted to hold them at arms length. But it seems like the rest of the neighbors didn't want that and were happy to suddenly have someone in the neighborhood who was all about being friendly and chummy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow, that's horrible for your 11 year old son, PP. I hope you are openly talking to him about it, not to take it personally, not to internalize it, ect.. I think the healthiest way to deal with it is to laugh about it- like the earlier post where the mom laughs with her husband- oh, plan A must have cancelled. She's calling me since I'm plan B. At the same time, I hope your son is forging his own close friendships with 1-2 kids.

Why did you pull up a post from 3 years ago and respond as if it it current?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

i have neighbors like this too. they're having events in their front yards (which I find kind of odd -- go to your backyard!), and i'm clearly excluded. it hurts a little, but it makes me laugh too b/c it's so juvenile. i roll my eyes when i get inside (after having to traipse through their party to get my mail!), call my best friend and bitch about how mean they are.
one thing i've learned over the years is not to push/force friendships b/c you might find out that you don't want to be their friends.

Wow! That is over the top rude! Be glad that you are not friends with "those" people.

I had such neighbors. After 1-2 such parties, I said in a loud and clear voice that if people don't get off my property, I will call the cops. The owners smirked. I wasn't kidding and called the cops because their guests were trespassing on my front lawn.

Well we all know why they don't want to be friends with you, then!