How to deal with cliquey "mean moms" who are nice but won't become "friends"??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in the burbs and there are a group of people who live on the cul de sac who actually believe they are cooler than those of us who don't. For a minute I found myself feeling left out and then thought a bit more about it. Really, the cul de sac in some random part of Montgomery County? Cool?Come On- if you want to snub me, at least be urban, cultured and edgy...

Ouch! Why would you accept being snubbed just because someone is urban, cultured and edgy?

Not the person who posted this, but I think she was probably just kidding, and making a point that these women REALLY don't have a reason to feel "cooler" than her.

[Anonymous]

To OP, you answered your own question! I know what you mean, I see it all the time. But I would rather hang out with a few choice friends than people who more often than not, I may second guess. You'll be happier around people with whom you have more in common.

[Anonymous]

I am in exactly the same boat. Did it get better for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people's lives are "full" already, if you know what I mean. They have dinner with one another because they are already friends but maybe they don't have time for more people in their lives. I meet nice people with whom I might enjoy a friendship on occasion but I just don't have time to add more people to my day. It's not a rejection. Try to think of it this way.

I don't get this. Are the houses in the neighborhood so tiny that one additional person can't be included at a dinner or event? This is just social meanness. If you're already socializing, how are you "adding more people to your day" to include one more couple or one more person in the mix?

[Anonymous]

How to deal with it? Stop caring. Right now. Really. I don't mean to be rude or brusque, but speaking as someone who got this treatment from former childhood friends all the way through middle and high school, the only way to handle this situation is to tell yourself you don't give a shit. Even if it's not true right away, fake it until you make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How to deal with it? Stop caring. Right now. Really. I don't mean to be rude or brusque, but speaking as someone who got this treatment from former childhood friends all the way through middle and high school, the only way to handle this situation is to tell yourself you don't give a shit. Even if it's not true right away, fake it until you make it.

The best revenge is living well. Very, very well.

[Anonymous]

I prefer to be left out of the clique.

[Anonymous]

7:38 here again. You're right that the best revenge is living well. I am an attorney living in a beautiful city with an awesome husband and beautiful children. They are stuck in our piece of shit hometown and jockeying for who is going to be Queen Shit of Turd Mountain. makes me laugh every day.

[Anonymous]

i have neighbors like this too. they're having events in their front yards (which I find kind of odd -- go to your backyard!), and i'm clearly excluded. it hurts a little, but it makes me laugh too b/c it's so juvenile. i roll my eyes when i get inside (after having to traipse through their party to get my mail!), call my best friend and bitch about how mean they are.
one thing i've learned over the years is not to push/force friendships b/c you might find out that you don't want to be their friends.

[Anonymous]

I can relate to how OP feels - I have always found it difficult to make it past the small talk and pleasentries stage with the parents of my son's friends and form more meaningful friendships. I wish I was one of those people who was good at stuff like that, but I am just not.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you're having that much anxiety over women who you say are nice and polite with you, then I think this is your issue.

I can smell crazy and needy a mile away and, no offense, I don't have time for that. If you want to hang out with them, then ask them what they are doing.

Also - People are allowed to have groups of friends. This is how society works. By creating and nurturing networks. These networks can not include everybody on the planet or it just doesn't work. This isn't being "cliquey" or "mean mom" - it's simply being friends with people you've bonded.

If you're not happy with their group, then make your own group. This is advice I give to my daughters and advice I follow myself. My "group" didn't appear out of thin air. These are friendships that I've been building for years now. You can't expect to just walk in and take a place. Maybe you could look for another mom who seems nervous or is sitting alone and go introduce yourself. Instead of blaming others for your "isolation" maybe you should take responsibility for your own social life.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread. This doesn't just happen in a neighborhood, this happened to me at work years ago. I agree with the other PPs to not try to force a friendship, and try to be friendly with those that seem to be receptive back. And try not to take it personally. Some people just hang out with people they already know (unfortunately). Try to cultivate other friendships -- friends from when you were a kid, or join a mom's group, or if you work, try to get to know people there. I'm more of a one-on-one friendship type, not a group friend type, so I find myself feeling left out as well. But I realize part of it is my personality,and part of it is that people already have their friends.

What bothers me is when my socializing (or lack of actually) affects my kids. I find it's best to keep your friends separate from your kid's friends' moms so that if something goes wrong it doesn't affect your kids' friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - if you're having that much anxiety over women who you say are nice and polite with you, then I think this is your issue.

I can smell crazy and needy a mile away and, no offense, I don't have time for that. If you want to hang out with them, then ask them what they are doing.

Also - People are allowed to have groups of friends. This is how society works. By creating and nurturing networks. These networks can not include everybody on the planet or it just doesn't work. This isn't being "cliquey" or "mean mom" - it's simply being friends with people you've bonded.

If you're not happy with their group, then make your own group. This is advice I give to my daughters and advice I follow myself. My "group" didn't appear out of thin air. These are friendships that I've been building for years now. You can't expect to just walk in and take a place. Maybe you could look for another mom who seems nervous or is sitting alone and go introduce yourself. Instead of blaming others for your "isolation" maybe you should take responsibility for your own social life.

This is the best advice. You are probably so focused on these women that you are ignoring the other women sitting around by themselves, wishing someone would talk to them. Go introduce yourself to one of them and go get a coffee. My kid started school as a "new kid" in a later grade, and a lot of the moms already had established friendships. Rather than try to break into their groups, I just made my own. I didn't feel I was being excluded -- there are 80 kids in my son's grade alone, so obviously I can't expect to be invited to all of their dinner parties. Feels to me like you are still in junior high wishing you can be one of the "popular" kids.

[Anonymous]

i have neighbors like this too. they're having events in their front yards (which I find kind of odd -- go to your backyard!), and i'm clearly excluded. it hurts a little, but it makes me laugh too b/c it's so juvenile. i roll my eyes when i get inside (after having to traipse through their party to get my mail!), call my best friend and bitch about how mean they are.
one thing i've learned over the years is not to push/force friendships b/c you might find out that you don't want to be their friends.

Wow! That is over the top rude! Be glad that you are not friends with "those" people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

i have neighbors like this too. they're having events in their front yards (which I find kind of odd -- go to your backyard!), and i'm clearly excluded. it hurts a little, but it makes me laugh too b/c it's so juvenile. i roll my eyes when i get inside (after having to traipse through their party to get my mail!), call my best friend and bitch about how mean they are.
one thing i've learned over the years is not to push/force friendships b/c you might find out that you don't want to be their friends.

Wow! That is over the top rude! Be glad that you are not friends with "those" people.

I had such neighbors. After 1-2 such parties, I said in a loud and clear voice that if people don't get off my property, I will call the cops. The owners smirked. I wasn't kidding and called the cops because their guests were trespassing on my front lawn.