How to deal with cliquey "mean moms" who are nice but won't become "friends"??

[Anonymous]

12:53 - why write a novel on a two year old thread? Good advice and all, but a little curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
OP - if you're having that much anxiety over women who you say are nice and polite with you, then I think this is your issue.

I can smell crazy and needy a mile away and, no offense, I don't have time for that. If you want to hang out with them, then ask them what they are doing.

Also - People are allowed to have groups of friends. This is how society works. By creating and nurturing networks. These networks can not include everybody on the planet or it just doesn't work. This isn't being "cliquey" or "mean mom" - it's simply being friends with people you've bonded.

If you're not happy with their group, then make your own group. This is advice I give to my daughters and advice I follow myself. My "group" didn't appear out of thin air. These are friendships that I've been building for years now. You can't expect to just walk in and take a place. Maybe you could look for another mom who seems nervous or is sitting alone and go introduce yourself. Instead of blaming others for your "isolation" maybe you should take responsibility for your own social life.


This is the best advice. You are probably so focused on these women that you are ignoring the other women sitting around by themselves, wishing someone would talk to them. Go introduce yourself to one of them and go get a coffee. My kid started school as a "new kid" in a later grade, and a lot of the moms already had established friendships. Rather than try to break into their groups, I just made my own. I didn't feel I was being excluded -- there are 80 kids in my son's grade alone, so obviously I can't expect to be invited to all of their dinner parties. Feels to me like you are still in junior high wishing you can be one of the "popular" kids.

The two ladies who responded in the post I copied above are exactly who the "mean" girls are. Their justifications of poor and unkind behavior are exactly why so many mean mom clicks exist. One smells "crazy and needy" a mile away...... I'm not sure why she thinks it's appropriate to use those words together when describing a mom in want of friendship. These women go to church, volunteer, and act out something they don't live. I know we are all busy, but can anyone, especially us stay at home mothers, really justify snubbing someone because we're fine and have "our" friends? Imagine moving to another state, there's a good chance the tables would be turned. I made most of my good friends when I quit work and started having children, and we've stayed close throughout the years. All of us have brought in new people, (friends) over the years, and while some of us are closer then others, no one is ever left out of book clubs, kids parties, adult parties and moms night outings. Why are there so many moms that pretend that their lives are "just too full" to extend a friendship to another mom? It truly is high school behavior, and I don't think that hoping to be included means that you only want to be friends with "the popular" kids. And franklly in response to the first paragraph, and the mom stating that you can't expect to "walk in and take a place" I whole heartedly DISAGREE! As someone new to an area, you SHOULd be welcomed! Maybe not become close friends overnight, that takes time, but you should be welcomed into clubs, parties, etc. Just my two cents, that I learned as a young child at church, and what I try to do on a daily basis, but for those moms doing this, don't try to justify your behavior, we can see through it, and it's my hope that you'll choose to behave differently.

Hush please. There are people who have waves of neediness rolling off them and it can be offputting to many people. I have an acquantaince like this who is always crying about not having more friends and no one liking her and why does no one ever like her but she is NEEDY. I can't engage her beyond the arm's length relationship we have because of it. I have gently suggested she seek counseling to help her become more comfortable with herself. Thisposter may be the same way especially given her reference to panic attacks. Finally, people don't have to make friends just because someone wants to be friends with them. If the only thing they have in common is their kids why should people force a relationship they dont want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood has many "cliquey" moms that will chat briefly and be nice but will not become "friends." It makes attending functions and child's school painful. I almost have an anxiety attack every time I have to go b/c the feeling of being left out is so painful. What shall I do?

OP, lots of close in neighborhoods are like this. You need to be choosy about your friends, and not care so much what the other moms think. They are low lives, according to your description of how they behave, anyway. Ignore them and move onward and upward. They will always be stuck with themselves.

[Anonymous]

LOLZ @ PP: "I can smell crazy and needy a mile away".

The irony that PP doesn't even know.

[Anonymous]

OP, in our neighborhood, the nice girls are the ones who were popular in high school; and the mean, unfriendly, gossipy girls are those who are still upset by how they were treated in high school. Believe me when I say you don't need the mean, unfriendly, gossipy girls in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blow them off. They sound juvenile and high schoolish. Create other social contact points and circles. Does your DC participate in extracurricular activities? Soccer, dance, swimming?

+10000

Who needs their drama, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One great friend is so much better than a handful of crappy "friends."

Yup, this. Times a million. I would bet they think nothing of stabbing each other in the back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How to deal with it? Stop caring. Right now. Really. I don't mean to be rude or brusque, but speaking as someone who got this treatment from former childhood friends all the way through middle and high school, the only way to handle this situation is to tell yourself you don't give a shit. Even if it's not true right away, fake it until you make it.

The best revenge is living well. Very, very well.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood has many "cliquey" moms that will chat briefly and be nice but will not become "friends." It makes attending functions and child's school painful. I almost have an anxiety attack every time I have to go b/c the feeling of being left out is so painful. What shall I do?

Welcome to the DC area. This is the norm. Get your revenge, if you need it, by befriending the men and let the fun begin

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:LOLZ @ PP: "I can smell crazy and needy a mile away".

The irony that PP doesn't even know.

Exactly ... you smell it because it's not a mile a way at all, it's actually right underneath your nose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood has many "cliquey" moms that will chat briefly and be nice but will not become "friends." It makes attending functions and child's school painful. I almost have an anxiety attack every time I have to go b/c the feeling of being left out is so painful. What shall I do?

Welcome to the DC area. This is the norm. Get your revenge, if you need it, by befriending the men and let the fun begin

OMG. The frumpy, harpy, neighbor moms worst nightmare! You don't even have to talk to the men, the frumps will lose it without provocation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
OP - if you're having that much anxiety over women who you say are nice and polite with you, then I think this is your issue.

I can smell crazy and needy a mile away and, no offense, I don't have time for that. If you want to hang out with them, then ask them what they are doing.

Also - People are allowed to have groups of friends. This is how society works. By creating and nurturing networks. These networks can not include everybody on the planet or it just doesn't work. This isn't being "cliquey" or "mean mom" - it's simply being friends with people you've bonded.

If you're not happy with their group, then make your own group. This is advice I give to my daughters and advice I follow myself. My "group" didn't appear out of thin air. These are friendships that I've been building for years now. You can't expect to just walk in and take a place. Maybe you could look for another mom who seems nervous or is sitting alone and go introduce yourself. Instead of blaming others for your "isolation" maybe you should take responsibility for your own social life.


This is the best advice. You are probably so focused on these women that you are ignoring the other women sitting around by themselves, wishing someone would talk to them. Go introduce yourself to one of them and go get a coffee. My kid started school as a "new kid" in a later grade, and a lot of the moms already had established friendships. Rather than try to break into their groups, I just made my own. I didn't feel I was being excluded -- there are 80 kids in my son's grade alone, so obviously I can't expect to be invited to all of their dinner parties. Feels to me like you are still in junior high wishing you can be one of the "popular" kids.

The two ladies who responded in the post I copied above are exactly who the "mean" girls are. Their justifications of poor and unkind behavior are exactly why so many mean mom clicks exist. One smells "crazy and needy" a mile away...... I'm not sure why she thinks it's appropriate to use those words together when describing a mom in want of friendship. These women go to church, volunteer, and act out something they don't live. I know we are all busy, but can anyone, especially us stay at home mothers, really justify snubbing someone because we're fine and have "our" friends? Imagine moving to another state, there's a good chance the tables would be turned. I made most of my good friends when I quit work and started having children, and we've stayed close throughout the years. All of us have brought in new people, (friends) over the years, and while some of us are closer then others, no one is ever left out of book clubs, kids parties, adult parties and moms night outings. Why are there so many moms that pretend that their lives are "just too full" to extend a friendship to another mom? It truly is high school behavior, and I don't think that hoping to be included means that you only want to be friends with "the popular" kids. And franklly in response to the first paragraph, and the mom stating that you can't expect to "walk in and take a place" I whole heartedly DISAGREE! As someone new to an area, you SHOULd be welcomed! Maybe not become close friends overnight, that takes time, but you should be welcomed into clubs, parties, etc. Just my two cents, that I learned as a young child at church, and what I try to do on a daily basis, but for those moms doing this, don't try to justify your behavior, we can see through it, and it's my hope that you'll choose to behave differently.

The original post was from 2009. Hopefully OP figured it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighborhood has many "cliquey" moms that will chat briefly and be nice but will not become "friends." It makes attending functions and child's school painful. I almost have an anxiety attack every time I have to go b/c the feeling of being left out is so painful. What shall I do?

Welcome to the DC area. This is the norm. Get your revenge, if you need it, by befriending the men and let the fun begin

OMG. The frumpy, harpy, neighbor moms worst nightmare! You don't even have to talk to the men, the frumps will lose it without provocation.

LOL, so true!

[Anonymous]

OP, who needs a friend that is snobbish and unkind?

I don't want friends like that. That's what I remind myself when they act like that. Thank God they are showing their true colors.

At the end I'm surrounded by good people who care for me. It takes time to build good friendships though.

[Anonymous]

I know this thread is old but with back to school it's very timely. If you find yourself in this situation don't sweat it. Bitterness ages you big time. I just discovered that I'm older than the Queen Bee in my neighborhood by a few years. I could've sworn she had at least 5 years on me. Being prudish, judgmental and mean has really taken its toll. I'm ok with being snubbed by that group any day.