Anniversary Acknowledgement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at this point, you guys are in an untenable situation. It sounds like she is trying on some levels - working super hard while you're trying to rebuild, even though she doesn't want to, wishing you a happy anniversary even though it doesn't sound like you are happily married. It also seems like those are maybe not the ways you'd like her to try.

Your hurt feelings and resentments are completely legit. So are hers. The reality is that you will both have to face hard truths about your contributions to the current state of affairs. You will both have to decide if you are invested in repairing your marriage. That's not something that you can do on your own.

Thank you for taking the time to author a thoughtful response. I have suggested counseling therapy but she is very stoic. I think we will need that type of forum where we can have hard, yet constructive, and frank conversations. It is not in her ways to be communicative. And this is not about putting it on her. We have good times and now we have had bad. While not making light of it, I try to explain that perhaps the hard times will give us gratitude. DW was SAHM and living very well. And frankly I benefited from her SAHM because it allowed me to focus my efforts elsewhere. But, SAHM evolved into a mindset that she would never work again which did not sit well with me. Part of her resentment is that she lost a very nice lifestyle. Who wouldn't want to stay home with the kids in school all day and go shopping with their mother. Part of my resentment is that she began to have unrealistic expectations regarding how folks live; I worked hard to secure us a lifestyle. So, I should have more empathy but why is it ok for me to shoulder the full burden, and you stay home and its a problem when I need you step up and help us out. And if I am successful she will be the first one with her hand out.

Counseling, stat. Not couples counseling. Start with you. Because you have some really fucked up thought processes going on, and until you untangle them I don't think you have much of a hope of working it out with your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at this point, you guys are in an untenable situation. It sounds like she is trying on some levels - working super hard while you're trying to rebuild, even though she doesn't want to, wishing you a happy anniversary even though it doesn't sound like you are happily married. It also seems like those are maybe not the ways you'd like her to try.

Your hurt feelings and resentments are completely legit. So are hers. The reality is that you will both have to face hard truths about your contributions to the current state of affairs. You will both have to decide if you are invested in repairing your marriage. That's not something that you can do on your own.

Thank you for taking the time to author a thoughtful response. I have suggested counseling therapy but she is very stoic. I think we will need that type of forum where we can have hard, yet constructive, and frank conversations. It is not in her ways to be communicative. And this is not about putting it on her. We have good times and now we have had bad. While not making light of it, I try to explain that perhaps the hard times will give us gratitude. DW was SAHM and living very well. And frankly I benefited from her SAHM because it allowed me to focus my efforts elsewhere. But, SAHM evolved into a mindset that she would never work again which did not sit well with me. Part of her resentment is that she lost a very nice lifestyle. Who wouldn't want to stay home with the kids in school all day and go shopping with their mother. Part of my resentment is that she began to have unrealistic expectations regarding how folks live; I worked hard to secure us a lifestyle. So, I should have more empathy but why is it ok for me to shoulder the full burden, and you stay home and its a problem when I need you step up and help us out. And if I am successful she will be the first one with her hand out.

Counseling, stat. Not couples counseling. Start with you. Because you have some really fucked up thought processes going on, and until you untangle them I don't think you have much of a hope of working it out with your wife.

I don't know. I think he makes a good point.

Basically, she was a bit of a kept woman who unexpectedly had to step up and shoulder the burden of supporting the family. That's tough. Or, is it? It seems like most women work. I don't quite understand what she expected out of life. Are there really still women out there who think that they should never be expected to get a job once they have a child? And if his business ended being a success, I'll bet she would have been fine with that.

Maybe I'm nuts, but I have a hard time respecting her "anger" over having to be a breadwinner for a few years when they fell on hard times. How would she handle it if he became ill? It sounds like she saw the relationship as one where he supports her financially, period.

Honestly, this thread (like many others here) is a good warning to anyone to be leery of SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at this point, you guys are in an untenable situation. It sounds like she is trying on some levels - working super hard while you're trying to rebuild, even though she doesn't want to, wishing you a happy anniversary even though it doesn't sound like you are happily married. It also seems like those are maybe not the ways you'd like her to try.

Your hurt feelings and resentments are completely legit. So are hers. The reality is that you will both have to face hard truths about your contributions to the current state of affairs. You will both have to decide if you are invested in repairing your marriage. That's not something that you can do on your own.

Thank you for taking the time to author a thoughtful response. I have suggested counseling therapy but she is very stoic. I think we will need that type of forum where we can have hard, yet constructive, and frank conversations. It is not in her ways to be communicative. And this is not about putting it on her. We have good times and now we have had bad. While not making light of it, I try to explain that perhaps the hard times will give us gratitude. DW was SAHM and living very well. And frankly I benefited from her SAHM because it allowed me to focus my efforts elsewhere. But, SAHM evolved into a mindset that she would never work again which did not sit well with me. Part of her resentment is that she lost a very nice lifestyle. Who wouldn't want to stay home with the kids in school all day and go shopping with their mother. Part of my resentment is that she began to have unrealistic expectations regarding how folks live; I worked hard to secure us a lifestyle. So, I should have more empathy but why is it ok for me to shoulder the full burden, and you stay home and its a problem when I need you step up and help us out. And if I am successful she will be the first one with her hand out.

Counseling, stat. Not couples counseling. Start with you. Because you have some really fucked up thought processes going on, and until you untangle them I don't think you have much of a hope of working it out with your wife.

I don't know. I think he makes a good point.

Basically, she was a bit of a kept woman who unexpectedly had to step up and shoulder the burden of supporting the family. That's tough. Or, is it? It seems like most women work. I don't quite understand what she expected out of life. Are there really still women out there who think that they should never be expected to get a job once they have a child? And if his business ended being a success, I'll bet she would have been fine with that.

Maybe I'm nuts, but I have a hard time respecting her "anger" over having to be a breadwinner for a few years when they fell on hard times. How would she handle it if he became ill? It sounds like she saw the relationship as one where he supports her financially, period.

Honestly, this thread (like many others here) is a good warning to anyone to be leery of SAHMs.

Of course she seems that way. That's how OP wants us to see her because it reinforces his victim mentality and encourages him to keep indulging this nonsense with his failed business. Leaving aside the SAHM portion for a bit, what if your spouse told you that you needed to make a career sacrifice such as giving up a job you loved in favor of one you disliked and made you work longer hours but that made more money, not because of an ill or other unavoidable event, because he wanted to explore an interest that probably wasn't going to make any money ever? And that he was going to keep pursuing that interest and refuse to get a real job regardless of how you felt about it? You'd be super cool with that and giving him blow jobs every night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at this point, you guys are in an untenable situation. It sounds like she is trying on some levels - working super hard while you're trying to rebuild, even though she doesn't want to, wishing you a happy anniversary even though it doesn't sound like you are happily married. It also seems like those are maybe not the ways you'd like her to try.

Your hurt feelings and resentments are completely legit. So are hers. The reality is that you will both have to face hard truths about your contributions to the current state of affairs. You will both have to decide if you are invested in repairing your marriage. That's not something that you can do on your own.

Thank you for taking the time to author a thoughtful response. I have suggested counseling therapy but she is very stoic. I think we will need that type of forum where we can have hard, yet constructive, and frank conversations. It is not in her ways to be communicative. And this is not about putting it on her. We have good times and now we have had bad. While not making light of it, I try to explain that perhaps the hard times will give us gratitude. DW was SAHM and living very well. And frankly I benefited from her SAHM because it allowed me to focus my efforts elsewhere. But, SAHM evolved into a mindset that she would never work again which did not sit well with me. Part of her resentment is that she lost a very nice lifestyle. Who wouldn't want to stay home with the kids in school all day and go shopping with their mother. Part of my resentment is that she began to have unrealistic expectations regarding how folks live; I worked hard to secure us a lifestyle. So, I should have more empathy but why is it ok for me to shoulder the full burden, and you stay home and its a problem when I need you step up and help us out. And if I am successful she will be the first one with her hand out.

Counseling, stat. Not couples counseling. Start with you. Because you have some really fucked up thought processes going on, and until you untangle them I don't think you have much of a hope of working it out with your wife.

I don't know. I think he makes a good point.

Basically, she was a bit of a kept woman who unexpectedly had to step up and shoulder the burden of supporting the family. That's tough. Or, is it? It seems like most women work. I don't quite understand what she expected out of life. Are there really still women out there who think that they should never be expected to get a job once they have a child? And if his business ended being a success, I'll bet she would have been fine with that.

Maybe I'm nuts, but I have a hard time respecting her "anger" over having to be a breadwinner for a few years when they fell on hard times. How would she handle it if he became ill? It sounds like she saw the relationship as one where he supports her financially, period.

Honestly, this thread (like many others here) is a good warning to anyone to be leery of SAHMs.

Of course she seems that way. That's how OP wants us to see her because it reinforces his victim mentality and encourages him to keep indulging this nonsense with his failed business. Leaving aside the SAHM portion for a bit, what if your spouse told you that you needed to make a career sacrifice such as giving up a job you loved in favor of one you disliked and made you work longer hours but that made more money, not because of an ill or other unavoidable event, because he wanted to explore an interest that probably wasn't going to make any money ever? And that he was going to keep pursuing that interest and refuse to get a real job regardless of how you felt about it? You'd be super cool with that and giving him blow jobs every night?

Well, that's not the full situation. OP isn't expecting BJ's every night...he hasn't had sec in five years!

I agree there may be more to the story than OP is telling, but you're intepretation is equally as flawed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at this point, you guys are in an untenable situation. It sounds like she is trying on some levels - working super hard while you're trying to rebuild, even though she doesn't want to, wishing you a happy anniversary even though it doesn't sound like you are happily married. It also seems like those are maybe not the ways you'd like her to try.

Your hurt feelings and resentments are completely legit. So are hers. The reality is that you will both have to face hard truths about your contributions to the current state of affairs. You will both have to decide if you are invested in repairing your marriage. That's not something that you can do on your own.

Thank you for taking the time to author a thoughtful response. I have suggested counseling therapy but she is very stoic. I think we will need that type of forum where we can have hard, yet constructive, and frank conversations. It is not in her ways to be communicative. And this is not about putting it on her. We have good times and now we have had bad. While not making light of it, I try to explain that perhaps the hard times will give us gratitude. DW was SAHM and living very well. And frankly I benefited from her SAHM because it allowed me to focus my efforts elsewhere. But, SAHM evolved into a mindset that she would never work again which did not sit well with me. Part of her resentment is that she lost a very nice lifestyle. Who wouldn't want to stay home with the kids in school all day and go shopping with their mother. Part of my resentment is that she began to have unrealistic expectations regarding how folks live; I worked hard to secure us a lifestyle. So, I should have more empathy but why is it ok for me to shoulder the full burden, and you stay home and its a problem when I need you step up and help us out. And if I am successful she will be the first one with her hand out.

Counseling, stat. Not couples counseling. Start with you. Because you have some really fucked up thought processes going on, and until you untangle them I don't think you have much of a hope of working it out with your wife.

I don't know. I think he makes a good point.

Basically, she was a bit of a kept woman who unexpectedly had to step up and shoulder the burden of supporting the family. That's tough. Or, is it? It seems like most women work. I don't quite understand what she expected out of life. Are there really still women out there who think that they should never be expected to get a job once they have a child? And if his business ended being a success, I'll bet she would have been fine with that.

Maybe I'm nuts, but I have a hard time respecting her "anger" over having to be a breadwinner for a few years when they fell on hard times. How would she handle it if he became ill? It sounds like she saw the relationship as one where he supports her financially, period.

Honestly, this thread (like many others here) is a good warning to anyone to be leery of SAHMs.

Of course she seems that way. That's how OP wants us to see her because it reinforces his victim mentality and encourages him to keep indulging this nonsense with his failed business. Leaving aside the SAHM portion for a bit, what if your spouse told you that you needed to make a career sacrifice such as giving up a job you loved in favor of one you disliked and made you work longer hours but that made more money, not because of an ill or other unavoidable event, because he wanted to explore an interest that probably wasn't going to make any money ever? And that he was going to keep pursuing that interest and refuse to get a real job regardless of how you felt about it? You'd be super cool with that and giving him blow jobs every night?

Well, that's not the full situation. OP isn't expecting BJ's every night...he hasn't had sec in five years!

I agree there may be more to the story than OP is telling, but you're intepretation is equally as flawed.

I don't pretend to know my interpretation is correct, I'm the one who said before that we really don't know what the situation is, only that this is OP's most sympathetic version. With an OP who refuses to accept any responsibility for the current situation and prefers to place all the blame on the other person (and answers questions only very selectively, ignoring anything that might point at his own failings here), I'm pretty comfortable giving his wife the benefit of the doubt. She's certainly not worse than he's portrayed.

[Anonymous]

OP, was starting the business (with its attendant risks) a decision you made together, as a couple? Or is it something you told you wife you were going to do, and then complained that she didn't "believe in you" if she wasn't 100% on board with your gambling with your family's financial security?

Hmmmm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, was starting the business (with its attendant risks) a decision you made together, as a couple? Or is it something you told you wife you were going to do, and then complained that she didn't "believe in you" if she wasn't 100% on board with your gambling with your family's financial security?

Hmmmm.

It was definitely more of my idea - no doubt about it. And in truth having now gone through this I realize that we do have very different levels of risk tolerance. It also comes down to the level of sacrifice you are willing to accept. So, yes, I was probably more interested in growing a business than maintaining our lifestyle - because without an ability to control your income you cannot control your lifestyle. Definitely fundamental differences in perception and tolerance of risk.There are other issues at play as well. I believe that you need to be adaptable in life as life doesn't always afford you the luxury of living on your own terms. As in all decisions, compromises need to be made. You want to stay home, private school, the whole shooting match - frankly in my position that meant either moving to a lower COL locale or going out on my own. I would have dialed it back and move to the Carolina's or at least a state with no income tax. That wasn't on the table. If you are married long enough it has to be about compromise for the overall good. When you a set of requirements and are intransigent, it doesn't always make life easy. That all said, as anyone in a long term marriage will attest to, it takes two and there are always shortcomings on both sides.

[Anonymous]

OP- it's hard to turn around what you tell is a culture of negativity in your marriage.

I appreciated how honest your were about your part in this spiral.

However, I believe that to turn this around to a culture of partnership and support that you should take steps like honoring your anniversary.

It's a long road to re-establish that you appreciate one another. If you want to get there model it without expecting a lot in return for a log while.

I think it's worth it. You will never have the sense of family with anyone else and it does get better.

Hang in there and good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- it's hard to turn around what you tell is a culture of negativity in your marriage.

I appreciated how honest your were about your part in this spiral.

However, I believe that to turn this around to a culture of partnership and support that you should take steps like honoring your anniversary.

It's a long road to re-establish that you appreciate one another. If you want to get there model it without expecting a lot in return for a log while.

I think it's worth it. You will never have the sense of family with anyone else and it does get better.

Hang in there and good luck.

OP here. Thank you. Good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, was starting the business (with its attendant risks) a decision you made together, as a couple? Or is it something you told you wife you were going to do, and then complained that she didn't "believe in you" if she wasn't 100% on board with your gambling with your family's financial security?

Hmmmm.

It was definitely more of my idea - no doubt about it. And in truth having now gone through this I realize that we do have very different levels of risk tolerance. It also comes down to the level of sacrifice you are willing to accept. So, yes, I was probably more interested in growing a business than maintaining our lifestyle - because without an ability to control your income you cannot control your lifestyle. Definitely fundamental differences in perception and tolerance of risk.There are other issues at play as well. I believe that you need to be adaptable in life as life doesn't always afford you the luxury of living on your own terms. As in all decisions, compromises need to be made. You want to stay home, private school, the whole shooting match - frankly in my position that meant either moving to a lower COL locale or going out on my own. I would have dialed it back and move to the Carolina's or at least a state with no income tax. That wasn't on the table. If you are married long enough it has to be about compromise for the overall good. When you a set of requirements and are intransigent, it doesn't always make life easy. That all said, as anyone in a long term marriage will attest to, it takes two and there are always shortcomings on both sides.

OP, I am sympathetic to your feelings right now, but think about this:

Sure, she did not want to compromise the lifestyle she had come to expect, and probably people should not assume that their cushy lifestyle can be maintained indefinitely. However, if you took risks that compromised that lifestyle, without it being a joint decision, she is not out of line for being disappointed. She could convey her disappointment better, and the indefinite SAHM thing only works if both people are on board. But it's likely that she viewed her time at home not just as HER cushy lifestyle, but her being able to provide you and your kids with a comfortable home life as well. Clearly, that also got compromised.

In any case, it sounds like you guys need to learn to like, trust and respect each other more. Counseling doesn't have to be all touchy-feely hippie garbage. If you feel like you need to be harsh and frank in counseling, or that she will be, then establish that in the ground rules of your therapy sessions.