Anniversary Acknowledgement

[Anonymous]

DH here. Married over 20 years. The last five or so have been challenging to put it mildly. DW angry and resentful for a variety of reasons, most of them having to do with a struggling business that I started about ten years ago.

We are no longer intimate; haven't been for about five years. Goes back to the banking crisis of 2009 and a shit storm of stress that we were under. As part of her anger toward me she started to withhold sex. Never came back. To a certain extent it is not the lack of intercourse but the lack of emotional support and affection. In this life I have been wildly successful and wildly struggling. DW has deep seated anger toward me and feels that I ruined us because of financial setbacks. Business is starting to gain traction but its no walk in the park.

Today was our anniversary. This morning she wished me a Happy Anniversary first thing. I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress. That is her MO; we never discuss anything.

So, I am sitting in my home office and I am sad. I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. We both started with nothing. She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work.The expression that success knows many fathers but failure is an orphan is very true. I suspect we are both staying together out of the financial necessity and the kids.

I feel bad. I believe that you learn about folks when you are challenges, when life deals you a crappy hand - in short when you are down. When I was down, my wife clearly told me many times that she thought I was a fool and a failure. Very acerbic. In truth I was overly confident, illusioned if you by my early successes. She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't.

For those in challenging marriages how do you handle the anniversary ? Do you acknowledge it, gloss over it ? I didn't want to fight or cause an argument so I elected not to engage but I do feel bad that she had a sad anniversary. And I could tell she was hurt.

[Anonymous]

I was in your wife's situation and it is absolutely horrible. My DH also had a successful business then we almost ended up in bankruptcy because of some mistskes he made. There were also some trust issues in our case because my husband was not entirely forthright with me. I resented having to support our family financially and I became completely unattracted to him. He has turned his business around and we made it through but it was not easy and I had to pay all the bills for years. You need to acknowledge that you screwed up and put her in a horrible position that she does not deserve to be in. You need to tell her you will work to fix things and you need to do it. You need to stop focusing on the fact that she hasn't touched you and focus on making money again and treating your wife well. Being married to a business owner is very very hard.

[Anonymous]

Have you thanked her for keeping you afloat and allowing you to rebuild your business? Or is that just expected? Is she still expected to cook all of the food, clean the house, etc, etc while she pays all of the bills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in your wife's situation and it is absolutely horrible. My DH also had a successful business then we almost ended up in bankruptcy because of some mistskes he made. There were also some trust issues in our case because my husband was not entirely forthright with me. I resented having to support our family financially and I became completely unattracted to him. He has turned his business around and we made it through but it was not easy and I had to pay all the bills for years. You need to acknowledge that you screwed up and put her in a horrible position that she does not deserve to be in. You need to tell her you will work to fix things and you need to do it. You need to stop focusing on the fact that she hasn't touched you and focus on making money again and treating your wife well. Being married to a business owner is very very hard.

Thank you for sharing your perspective - it is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

You have a year to change the next anniversary. Tell her you want change, and you want to understand what she's been feeling, and you hope she'll go to counseling. If she won't, you can start individual counseling. And, you can be impeccable in changing your contribution to problems in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you thanked her for keeping you afloat and allowing you to rebuild your business? Or is that just expected? Is she still expected to cook all of the food, clean the house, etc, etc while she pays all of the bills?

+1, did you get her a card, flowers and or gift and acknowledge it? Did you make dinner reservations and child care, if you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone piling on the OP? Clearly he has made some mistakes but it doesn't sound like his DW has acted without reproach either and her expectations about not having to work sound really antiquated in this day and age.

OP, I've had times of estrangement from my DH although it never went on as long as your has. I understand the pain, sadness and loneliness. But, you have ONE life, that's it and it is over before you know it. It sounds like you have grown really passive with the state of your marriage. You are in a really complicated situation - there is no easy answer to improve your marriage and family life, but you do need to take charge and try SOMETHING. If your DW refuses to go to counseling, go on your own. Make a meaningful commitment to yourself and your family that by your next anniversary you will be in a better place. A good counselor will be able to help you find a way to break through to your wife and hopefully, eventually convince her to agree to marriage counseling too. If you try everything and it fails, at least you will gain the tools to meaningfully consider your options rather then just accept the lonely empty life you are living now. Good luck. Things can get better.

[Anonymous]

Wait a second. Hold the phone.
You've not had sex in FIVE years?!?

But you are worried that she had a "sad anniversary" because you were "a little cold"?

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm confused. Your post is titled "anniversary acknowledgment", but by your description she acknowdged it and you didn't (or were cold). Were you wanting her to reach out to you with more warmth? I hear you genuinely expressing sadness over the state of the relationship but simultaneously defending your position ("she doesn't believe in me").

It sucks to feel doubted by your partner. Agreed, people want to feel supported. Had you guys ever talked about where you saw yourselves financially at this point in marriage? She may have expected to downshift after 20 years; if she's still supporting the family that's a tough pill to swallow at this point.

Finally, I read a lot of speculations about women withholding sex as a commodity, but consider that for women, desire for sex often comes from a place of happiness and trust. It's hard to feel sexual for someone of those issues have taken a hit.

You sound invested; agree with PP re: value of indiv counseling for you. Lead by example; she may follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Married over 20 years. The last five or so have been challenging to put it mildly. DW angry and resentful for a variety of reasons, most of them having to do with a struggling business that I started about ten years ago.

We are no longer intimate; haven't been for about five years. Goes back to the banking crisis of 2009 and a shit storm of stress that we were under. As part of her anger toward me she started to withhold sex. Never came back. To a certain extent it is not the lack of intercourse but the lack of emotional support and affection. In this life I have been wildly successful and wildly struggling. DW has deep seated anger toward me and feels that I ruined us because of financial setbacks. Business is starting to gain traction but its no walk in the park.

Today was our anniversary. This morning she wished me a Happy Anniversary first thing. I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress. That is her MO; we never discuss anything.

So, I am sitting in my home office and I am sad. I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. We both started with nothing. She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work.The expression that success knows many fathers but failure is an orphan is very true. I suspect we are both staying together out of the financial necessity and the kids.

I feel bad. I believe that you learn about folks when you are challenges, when life deals you a crappy hand - in short when you are down. When I was down, my wife clearly told me many times that she thought I was a fool and a failure. Very acerbic. In truth I was overly confident, illusioned if you by my early successes. She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't.

For those in challenging marriages how do you handle the anniversary ? Do you acknowledge it, gloss over it ? I didn't want to fight or cause an argument so I elected not to engage but I do feel bad that she had a sad anniversary. And I could tell she was hurt.

I'll be honest, victimhood is never attractive or appealing. You kind of acknowledge your role in this, but every time you do, it's immediately followed with a "but" and some reason why she's worse:

"I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress."

"I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. "

"She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work."

"She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't."

You basically fucked up your family's financial life with your own mistakes but blame her for the state of things, despite the fact that it sounds like she came through for you in a huge way during this crisis. I suspect that if you started taking true ownership of your role in this and acknowledging the sacrifices she's made to carry you through it, you might get a different response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here. Married over 20 years. The last five or so have been challenging to put it mildly. DW angry and resentful for a variety of reasons, most of them having to do with a struggling business that I started about ten years ago.

We are no longer intimate; haven't been for about five years. Goes back to the banking crisis of 2009 and a shit storm of stress that we were under. As part of her anger toward me she started to withhold sex. Never came back. To a certain extent it is not the lack of intercourse but the lack of emotional support and affection. In this life I have been wildly successful and wildly struggling. DW has deep seated anger toward me and feels that I ruined us because of financial setbacks. Business is starting to gain traction but its no walk in the park.

Today was our anniversary. This morning she wished me a Happy Anniversary first thing. I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress. That is her MO; we never discuss anything.

So, I am sitting in my home office and I am sad. I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. We both started with nothing. She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work.The expression that success knows many fathers but failure is an orphan is very true. I suspect we are both staying together out of the financial necessity and the kids.

I feel bad. I believe that you learn about folks when you are challenges, when life deals you a crappy hand - in short when you are down. When I was down, my wife clearly told me many times that she thought I was a fool and a failure. Very acerbic. In truth I was overly confident, illusioned if you by my early successes. She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't.

For those in challenging marriages how do you handle the anniversary ? Do you acknowledge it, gloss over it ? I didn't want to fight or cause an argument so I elected not to engage but I do feel bad that she had a sad anniversary. And I could tell she was hurt.

I'll be honest, victimhood is never attractive or appealing. You kind of acknowledge your role in this, but every time you do, it's immediately followed with a "but" and some reason why she's worse:

"I acknowledged it but as to me it is disingenuous to "celebrate" I was somewhat cold. I would have liked to have used the opening to have a conversation about going for counseling but believed that would have been shut down as she wouldn't want to talk about it as it would cause her stress."

"I feel sorrowful that I wasn't nicer on our anniversary. But she hasn't' touched me in at least five years; does not believe in me. "

"She has been working to keep us afloat but is very angry that she has to work."

"She has a right to be pissed but either you believe in your partner or you don't."

You basically fucked up your family's financial life with your own mistakes but blame her for the state of things, despite the fact that it sounds like she came through for you in a huge way during this crisis. I suspect that if you started taking true ownership of your role in this and acknowledging the sacrifices she's made to carry you through it, you might get a different response.

+1. Listens to this poster. Particularly the whole "I would have liked to have had a conversation with her but I wasn't willing to experience any negative consequences, so I didn't. Her fault!"

I'm sympathetic to her because I've been there. I supported my husband through basically 15 years of schooling -- with two retail jobs when we were young, and a professional job as we got older. All along he'd talk about how someday it would pay off. Well, I've accepted that it's not going to , and my role will always be to be the responsible one who supports the family. I still love him very much, but there's resentment because my dreams have always been secondary to paying the rent etc while he pursues his.

If you took unnecessary risks with your family's security, I can understand resentment.

[Anonymous]

I've been in a similar situation except that I was the one that messed up financially. It is only now that I'm truly understanding how my spouse felt taken for granted and how much he's worried about our future and how much stress I caused and how much anger he has. He's trying to let go of it so we can move on but it's obviously critical that I truly convey to him how sorry I am about the damage I caused and that I will never ever do it again. He needs to feel heard and appreciated. It is a sucky process for me bc I just want to say, hey we are in better shape, let's move on. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

For you and your wife to not have been intimate for five yrs. is a HUGE sign that your marriage is waay underwater. That is a long time in anyone's book to not have any affection.

I do not know the logistics of your money and job issues so I wouldn't feel right commenting on whether or not she has a legitimate reason to feel angry and resentful.

What I do know for sure is that if you want to get out of this unhealthy rut of a "marriage," you both need to seek the services of a professional therapist.

Until you do, you will both be living in misery.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that if you started taking true ownership of your role in this and acknowledging the sacrifices she's made to carry you through it, you might get a different response.

This, in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in your wife's situation and it is absolutely horrible. My DH also had a successful business then we almost ended up in bankruptcy because of some mistskes he made. There were also some trust issues in our case because my husband was not entirely forthright with me. I resented having to support our family financially and I became completely unattracted to him. He has turned his business around and we made it through but it was not easy and I had to pay all the bills for years. You need to acknowledge that you screwed up and put her in a horrible position that she does not deserve to be in. You need to tell her you will work to fix things and you need to do it. You need to stop focusing on the fact that she hasn't touched you and focus on making money again and treating your wife well. Being married to a business owner is very very hard.

Thank you for sharing your perspective - it is very helpful.

OP, you couldn't figure this perspective out on your own? Really?